Ask..

Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. ~ John 16:24

..

Church..friendships.. God. Me. I'm not God..I'm just putting me on there too so that I give myself some attending. Yeah. :)

Heeelp

Feeling alright about the friendships..but work is still bugging me. It's great that the boss is going away for a couple of months, soon. But dealing with things before then... :s I suppose it's an alright job. I just don't like the idea it could be chipping away at me in any way. I want to be somewhere I feel more respected and valuable.
I've had one pretty good manager, and that was good. And shows it's possible. Where are the others? How can I just not let it all phase me while I've got the managers and work situations and other relationships that I have? I'm feeling a little avoidant of friends. And like I would just LOVE a holiday that did not end in me going back to regular paid employment.

"Shut up, it's possible."

Maybe I should write this book. Get rich ;)

Temper and confidence

Having a bit of a frustrating night/time..

I seem to be fairly often returning to this 'idea' that's hard to shake, that I seem to be 'attracting' people (or at least getting stuck around them at work...) who are in 'higher up' positions who are short on temper and patience (temperance and patience very similar?) and can make me feel like I'm not okay. And I enjoy work less and I'm 'timid' around them because I don't want to give them one more reason to discredit me in their own minds, but then that timidity shows through as incompetence...causes me to 'make mistakes', not think clearly to do my job well so more time looking like I don't know what I'm doing. And I feel like every good thing I do is treated like the exception, not the rule.

I feel like that's been creeping in to my social life. Finding myself awkwardly trying to please friends or 'do well' in that area. I came away from Rosie's tonight feeling empty. We got along well and we joked and things. There were a few of us there. But I wasn't very relaxed...how long has it been since I really was? At the end of the night I felt like.. they let me out and I was saying goodnight and 'trying' (and probably seeming fake in that way) to say things 'right' and end the night with them thinking I was wonderful *rolling eyes* and that I'd had a good time and then it felt like 'suddenly', they were back inside. And it was like, "oh, okay". And I interpreted it like I was just one to be 'pitied' and put up with (not how I think they are but how I feel with work), but not one they would invite and really mean to spend time with. I'm sure that's not totally the case...hopefully not at all the case. That's just how I felt. Feel awkward around Rosie a fair bit.

Noooo! My heater..

I need to pay rent and my internet won't load.
I think I might give my internet away.

I'd like to be able to keep using blogger.

Just a bit of a discouraging night. And I'm wanting to think positively, but that feels a little bit fake at the moment. I'm probably within my right to have a certain attitude (like 'it's not me! Just get out of this and don't worry about it') but it doesn't feel right, right now/or easy or possible :P. I want consistently positive work colleagues and friends but I think that's expecting a bit much. Gonna have to manage and get through this or get 'tougher' or something and just deal with stuff. But I'm feeling 'drawn away' to 'good, Christian' books. Something that'll distract me but also remind me who I am and connect me to God.

It's getting a bit late..

There it is..

..I don't want to leave you alone. To be out of contact is not what I want. But it's not easy for me to 'carry' us both. I believe you want a relationship with God, but I'm not sure I should be trying to facilitate that. It needs to be something you really want, and I can support you in it. ..with a relationship I'm choosing for myself, I find it difficult because it's a bit like my relationship with my family. I can't be totally free to be me and it's hard. The 'now' part of things is frightening me. I don't think it works without God. I'm caught between staying, waiting and hoping and wanting to surround you with God, or praying and waiting and not moving any further in a relationship until I see that we are fitting together in that. If you don't want God..(I don't think you don't but how do I help you in that?)..then you can't really be on page with me.. A relationship with me is essentially a relationship between 3 parties. So you can't just take me. You've got to work out this stuff with God. And so I am friend. Not sure if, when, or how that will or can change. I know I really care for you, but I want God close..

I'm 'saving' this here because it clarifies things for me and I need to read it. 'Feel like it better explains me..vs the shorter message I sent at the time. Hope it's ok'.

I googled for an 'open hands' picture, but couldn't find any that maybe didn't breach a copyright. So rather than 'steal' I've just left it pictureless for now.

This is for me. But I wanted to put it here and not on paper..? Maybe somewhere I can see it easily and often. Maybe I will still write it into my paper journal. Maybe


Approached God tonight and felt like He was saying about this and other things, 'Don't worry'. But it felt difficult not to. I was like, 'How? You will need to help me..
Time for bed, and I'm motivated to read a little of this book.