Stuff I gotta SAY!

It seems like, minus the few experiences I know of that were trying when I was younger, before the spiritual aspect in my life was taken care of, I watched and learnt things from others and didn't have to go through things myself to learn.
Now 'waaaah', I am facing times, it seems, where I am going through things and kind of having to 'make my way'. It is very uncomfortable.

At my last place of employment, I met with 'bitchiness' from staff members towards other staff. Not a lot of stuff was directed at me to my face - a lot was behind peoples' backs. 'Wolves in sheeps clothing' stuff. A lady from church prayed with me against that and put it in those words. I think I've mentioned this before in my blog. I came to feeling like I was walking on eggshells around people, and I didn't open up much in that job for fear of 'casting pearls before swine'. It was a discouraging work environment for me.

I've been employed in my next job under the 'pretenses' that it is a business that values Respect, etc... I see respect there for customers. And I see that the managers are seeking to be respected by employees. But I feel a bit like respect from managers, for staff, is lagging. My agreement entitles me to a 30 minute break, plus a 10 minute break if I work 7.5/8 hours. Yet I've been told on the job that there might be times I won't get my 10 minute break. That if it gets too busy you don't get it. But although the agreement mentions break times being negotiable (based on how busy the place is, ie. you obviously might find it difficult to get your break at 12:30 when it's the lunch rush) it does not mention that the breaks themselves are negotiable.

Another issue I'm facing now potentially is that of a paid 30 minute lunch break. If I work more than 5 hours, according to my understanding of the agreement, I get a paid break, but at work so far I have always been told to clock out. So what's going on there?

I'm not afraid of managers anymore, exactly. Not afraid to approach and communicate with them...or at least I have the courage to! Thanks Lord..? :)) After my last job, and being given 4 weeks notice when the idea was supposed to be mutual (I thought...we would work together around when us staff were leaving - an aim was that 5 people per year would find other employment and leave, or that was my understanding - I thought it would be something that would be planned out with staff ahead of it happening). I'm not bothered if I lose this job, so I'm comfortable to be assertive, but it's still 'painful'/stressful to be feeling that I have to challenge things. It makes me feel like I might possibly leave ahead of my 3 months' probationary time being over. I know I said I would be a loyal employee and could stay on for maybe 5 years at least, but that is conditional on my experience of being treated well, too. If I feel like I'm considered a challenging person, or difficult person, and if I know there's a bit of negative feeling about that, I'm going to find it difficult to want to come to work. I have to be treated with respect as well.

I don't know how to approach it, and probably won't, with my manager, but when I have a meeting with her, she sometimes walks off..! It's the end of the meeting and she doesn't 'walk back' with you. She seems to put on this air that 'I'm superior and important' and she's like, "Alright." and off she goes back wherever she was before. It makes me feel a bit unacknowledged or maybe under-valued.
..I'm seeing how I don't want to be, and I'm learning in that way, but I'm learning in close proximity. I'm not watching her or these other supervisors with other staff members (well that too); I'm watching her with me. I'm comfortable to be assertive but I feel like it's treated like, 'oh, she thinks I'm a poor or mean or unfair supervisor' (one lady..), or, '..she doesn't care about the job, she only wants her breaks' (no! but they're both important. I've got to be looked after), or 'she's always going on about something that 'should' be being done. It's so grating'. I don't want to 'peeve' people. Am I too early in to be raising things of concern? But from my past experience I don't want to leave it sit either, and the second of the values of the business is to be Direct, Honest and Open. So take me or leave me is kind of my feeling. I'll be nice. I'll be myself. :). ..:) and I'll communicate my acceptance of the 'one lady' supervisor who seems to be concerned I'm being critical, and I'll communicate the positives and the strengths with Your help. And 'do with it what you will'? and that'll be that. I'm committed to being a good supervisor and part of that is in being respected and valued myself. I'm sure that they do respect and value me in their own different ways, but it needs to abide by the conditions of my employment too.

Oh, I miss the social work kind of sphere! I long for a Christian, mature, supportive manager over me. I hope I can be that for people, but I would like it for me too if I can have that.. I want to always feel good about coming to work. I am committed to seeking for things to go well here, and boy am I assertive! Woohoo I am not scared of you! If I lose it I can find something else. But ..*sigh*..would that it wouldn't be just an uphill struggle. Let me not be looked down on just because I'm young, or because *gasp* I am 'opinionated' (I'm not..not in a bad way. Bold? :)). Strong and very courageous, and doing everything with love, is how I want to always be. I'm glad for the freedom I feel to communicate at work. I'm glad that I feel confident to do that, and that it feels like a supportive enough environment. But don't let me be mistreated by key people and find it difficult.

Problems recently have been with limited stock. Not enough spinach leaves! ;) Sounds funny, but I needed those for a bunch of wraps and for some focaccias I had to make. Couldn't make them. One thing I need to do better is to make sure I label 'unfinished' stuff that I put into the fridge. I put 3 focaccias in the fridge but didn't label them, "these need spinach" - later a customer came over and said she had gotten the wrong focaccia and I saw that these unfinished ones I'd put in the fridge (in case spinach arrived on the day) had been circulated as a different type of focaccia. No! ;) Yikes.

I got overwhelmed on coffees in the morning. Expected relief would come at 8am - I had been told by manager it would - and it didn't, and it was somehow put back on me, and I couldn't respond very well at the time. I forgot while talking to manager that another staff member - who she said I could have approached - I had actually spoken to at the time, asking her if she was on coffees (because I was expecting relief). Gotta communicate more clearly next time, "can you please help me, this has all come in at once". Staff member seemed kind of in a daze and wasn't quite acknowledging some things. I did the freeze thing that the same girl had told me happened to her when she started coffees. I had stuff buzzing behind me - food that was ready to go with some drink orders. Then I had salad bar staff coming over with food and getting my attention to tell me that 'this order for [28] is up. Jess. Jess?' Oh and when one girl came over in time to do that again...she was like, "Jess?", I looked over and I hope that look wasn't like, "WHAT". ;) I think it probably was how I'd felt though, like, "yes, you have my attention, tell me and be quick". ;). *embarrassed* I don't want to be 'short' with people. Ever.

The maintenance/cleaner man is very chatty, and chatted to me as I was preparing wraps and stuff where I had to look at lists and work out what went in what, to meet the orders. Thankfully, after a while of this, God (I think, I hope, I believe..) busted in with a way to not hurt his feelings while making sure I could focus more on my work. It didn't entirely work but it did help. I said casually, not just after he said something but leaving a pause and working, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to talk heaps this morning...I have to work out these orders.." Something like that. And he was like, "yeah, that's alright". *Phew!*

I got really angry (and I don't normally get that way!) with the 8am staff member, because she was there at the time, even told me I'd have to use powder vs hot chocolate sauce that I'd just run out of, while the rush was there, but then she didn't do anything to help, she just went out into the office. She was 'dazed'...sleepy..? And slow in responding later as well when I asked help getting into the till, because one lady had waited 'too long' for a latte and was angry and wanted her money back. I felt angry that I'd been left on my own and that later when the manager had come in she looked to me for why there'd been so many refunds at the time. The 8am-er maybe said to the manager that she 'hadn't known' it was so busy. I hadn't asked for help. But then she 'had the nerve' to approach me, even after I'd been out there with her and at one point felt that she was feeling a little bit 'small' that she hadn't helped and had left me and that I was being 'quiet' and a bit huffy at not having had an 8am person, to say, 'I didn't know'. I'd waited until I'd calmed down before I went out there. It was nearly a tearful kind of moment because the manager had earlier put it on me to have asked for the help. I approached 8am-er and said, "I needed help this morning. Next time, if it gets like that do you mind coming and helping me. (I said something too that I didn't need to, that was putting me down..said 'I'm not always good at asking for help'. No, don't say something negative about yourself like that!!)". Her response was something like, "sure but just tell me. ..I had no idea." And the way she said it I really felt like she'd known and was now putting it on me.
I went back into the back area to finish some work, and then '8am-er' came through to me there to 'reassure' me she would be more than happy to help me if she'd known. And by then I'd REMEMBERED that, 'hang on, you did know', and I was able to then say, "But..you were out there at 8am. And I asked you if you were on coffees. That was my way of asking for help".

..I guess it's good I didn't remember that when the manager was talking with me, because then it might have fallen back more on the newly supervising 8am person. But I wasn't pleased (I'm over it now :)) that it was landed on me. Was/is the '8am-er' scared of the manager? It's bothersome if she's scared to face up to responsibility, if she is 'much loved' over me and if she is going to maybe do this again. And if I am going to forget some things under pressure that I have done well. I suppose if she does do it again I will talk to her about it. And if it continues after that I will chat to Annie. Oooh, wouldn't be looking forward to that.

I need someone to show me how to use the food processor before I take on this work experience person on the 4th of November. That's going to be something for tomorrow. And I'll have to be again assertive today and just double-check with Annie what my hours are for tomorrow and what my tasks will be. Or I will call the bakery and find out. But NOT now during lunch time.

..Alright..

I hope this hasn't sounded all judgmental and horrible. I'm just trying to process things. And I'm a little pleased I was able to just spill it all here. No names, of course, but *bler* just let me get it out ;)
I want to work somewhere positive. I want to be such a good communicator that work DOES go smoothly. I do want to be respected too. And not for being a 'bitch'. And I'm glad..I don't think I have been. I did get very angry and emotional about things that morning and I have wondered how this could impact on my 'chances' at being a supervisor (still think I've got what it takes or is too much going wrong? It was my first day solo out the back there, and overwhelmed at the front to boot, with staff 'behind' me who were untrained in coffees or customer service who could have helped me more. Anne was great - she wanted to help but she backed away a couple of times - later said she didn't know how to do it and would have to learn..) but I can only hope the manager is not too short and too quick to focus on apparent negatives, and that she'll come to see how good I will be at this. I believe I've got the position because You know I am able to do it. And I am SO CONFIDENT NOW, more than I was before, because I have NICE staff. They actually seem to like me, even (and sometimes 'especially' or at least) the ones I've felt unsure of. I don't want to be 'brazen' in fear of being walked over. I don't have to point the finger at others. I can simply commit to focussing on what I can do to improve without dragging anyone else into things. I'm not angry with anyone anymore about that morning. They're all forgiven and I am too! in my eyes. But I know I want to be 'on the ball' to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Wooooow...lots..

'Actually it might not be that bad' (song on radio...'hey Jealousy'..?)