Temper and confidence

Having a bit of a frustrating night/time..

I seem to be fairly often returning to this 'idea' that's hard to shake, that I seem to be 'attracting' people (or at least getting stuck around them at work...) who are in 'higher up' positions who are short on temper and patience (temperance and patience very similar?) and can make me feel like I'm not okay. And I enjoy work less and I'm 'timid' around them because I don't want to give them one more reason to discredit me in their own minds, but then that timidity shows through as incompetence...causes me to 'make mistakes', not think clearly to do my job well so more time looking like I don't know what I'm doing. And I feel like every good thing I do is treated like the exception, not the rule.

I feel like that's been creeping in to my social life. Finding myself awkwardly trying to please friends or 'do well' in that area. I came away from Rosie's tonight feeling empty. We got along well and we joked and things. There were a few of us there. But I wasn't very relaxed...how long has it been since I really was? At the end of the night I felt like.. they let me out and I was saying goodnight and 'trying' (and probably seeming fake in that way) to say things 'right' and end the night with them thinking I was wonderful *rolling eyes* and that I'd had a good time and then it felt like 'suddenly', they were back inside. And it was like, "oh, okay". And I interpreted it like I was just one to be 'pitied' and put up with (not how I think they are but how I feel with work), but not one they would invite and really mean to spend time with. I'm sure that's not totally the case...hopefully not at all the case. That's just how I felt. Feel awkward around Rosie a fair bit.

Noooo! My heater..

I need to pay rent and my internet won't load.
I think I might give my internet away.

I'd like to be able to keep using blogger.

Just a bit of a discouraging night. And I'm wanting to think positively, but that feels a little bit fake at the moment. I'm probably within my right to have a certain attitude (like 'it's not me! Just get out of this and don't worry about it') but it doesn't feel right, right now/or easy or possible :P. I want consistently positive work colleagues and friends but I think that's expecting a bit much. Gonna have to manage and get through this or get 'tougher' or something and just deal with stuff. But I'm feeling 'drawn away' to 'good, Christian' books. Something that'll distract me but also remind me who I am and connect me to God.

It's getting a bit late..