His baby

Ask..

2011-02-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. ~ John 16:24

..

2010-06-24T06:03:00.003-07:00

Church..friendships.. God. Me. I'm not God..I'm just putting me on there too so that I give myself some attending. Yeah. :)

Heeelp

2010-06-24T05:57:00.002-07:00

Feeling alright about the friendships..but work is still bugging me. It's great that the boss is going away for a couple of months, soon. But dealing with things before then... :s I suppose it's an alright job. I just don't like the idea it could be chipping away at me in any way. I want to be somewhere I feel more respected and valuable.
I've had one pretty good manager, and that was good. And shows it's possible. Where are the others? How can I just not let it all phase me while I've got the managers and work situations and other relationships that I have? I'm feeling a little avoidant of friends. And like I would just LOVE a holiday that did not end in me going back to regular paid employment.

"Shut up, it's possible."

Maybe I should write this book. Get rich ;)

Temper and confidence

2010-06-24T05:24:00.001-07:00

Having a bit of a frustrating night/time..

I seem to be fairly often returning to this 'idea' that's hard to shake, that I seem to be 'attracting' people (or at least getting stuck around them at work...) who are in 'higher up' positions who are short on temper and patience (temperance and patience very similar?) and can make me feel like I'm not okay. And I enjoy work less and I'm 'timid' around them because I don't want to give them one more reason to discredit me in their own minds, but then that timidity shows through as incompetence...causes me to 'make mistakes', not think clearly to do my job well so more time looking like I don't know what I'm doing. And I feel like every good thing I do is treated like the exception, not the rule.

I feel like that's been creeping in to my social life. Finding myself awkwardly trying to please friends or 'do well' in that area. I came away from Rosie's tonight feeling empty. We got along well and we joked and things. There were a few of us there. But I wasn't very relaxed...how long has it been since I really was? At the end of the night I felt like.. they let me out and I was saying goodnight and 'trying' (and probably seeming fake in that way) to say things 'right' and end the night with them thinking I was wonderful *rolling eyes* and that I'd had a good time and then it felt like 'suddenly', they were back inside. And it was like, "oh, okay". And I interpreted it like I was just one to be 'pitied' and put up with (not how I think they are but how I feel with work), but not one they would invite and really mean to spend time with. I'm sure that's not totally the case...hopefully not at all the case. That's just how I felt. Feel awkward around Rosie a fair bit.

Noooo! My heater..

I need to pay rent and my internet won't load.
I think I might give my internet away.

I'd like to be able to keep using blogger.

Just a bit of a discouraging night. And I'm wanting to think positively, but that feels a little bit fake at the moment. I'm probably within my right to have a certain attitude (like 'it's not me! Just get out of this and don't worry about it') but it doesn't feel right, right now/or easy or possible :P. I want consistently positive work colleagues and friends but I think that's expecting a bit much. Gonna have to manage and get through this or get 'tougher' or something and just deal with stuff. But I'm feeling 'drawn away' to 'good, Christian' books. Something that'll distract me but also remind me who I am and connect me to God.

It's getting a bit late..

There it is..

2010-02-21T03:33:00.000-08:00

..I don't want to leave you alone. To be out of contact is not what I want. But it's not easy for me to 'carry' us both. I believe you want a relationship with God, but I'm not sure I should be trying to facilitate that. It needs to be something you really want, and I can support you in it. ..with a relationship I'm choosing for myself, I find it difficult because it's a bit like my relationship with my family. I can't be totally free to be me and it's hard. The 'now' part of things is frightening me. I don't think it works without God. I'm caught between staying, waiting and hoping and wanting to surround you with God, or praying and waiting and not moving any further in a relationship until I see that we are fitting together in that. If you don't want God..(I don't think you don't but how do I help you in that?)..then you can't really be on page with me.. A relationship with me is essentially a relationship between 3 parties. So you can't just take me. You've got to work out this stuff with God. And so I am friend. Not sure if, when, or how that will or can change. I know I really care for you, but I want God close..

I'm 'saving' this here because it clarifies things for me and I need to read it. 'Feel like it better explains me..vs the shorter message I sent at the time. Hope it's ok'.

I googled for an 'open hands' picture, but couldn't find any that maybe didn't breach a copyright. So rather than 'steal' I've just left it pictureless for now.

This is for me. But I wanted to put it here and not on paper..? Maybe somewhere I can see it easily and often. Maybe I will still write it into my paper journal. Maybe

Approached God tonight and felt like He was saying about this and other things, 'Don't worry'. But it felt difficult not to. I was like, 'How? You will need to help me..
Time for bed, and I'm motivated to read a little of this book.

Two more sleeps! One more til presents and family time ;) Merry Christmas

2009-12-22T13:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have a doctor appointment at 10:40 this morning and after that I think will do a little bit of Christmas shopping, and then am free to do just about whatever I would like, before dinner at 7pm with J, G and G.

I keep thinking to look at renting and then I keep delaying.

There's other stuff happening but I won't put it here just now.

Not pleased with my doctor for how my last appointment went. I am thinking of bringing the typed referral back, explaining my position and asking him to change some of the wording on the referral. If I can deal with the stress of that. If I can be at peace that it is not rude and that I am just being assertive. And if it avoids further confusion, bias and hurt towards me at the venue of the referral, it will be beneficial. I just want to be careful about the attitude I hold about the doctor. He's just going with what he 'knows', and he doesn't realise how the skepticism he showed to my account of things could hurt me. I want to be able to have a level conversation with him.

So..time to get ready.

I am loved

'Simply love'

2009-11-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

Heard this on the radio and really liked it. Came out more positively on the radio but the lyrics are still pretty good..a prayer God can answer.

Higher Love Lyrics Artist(Band):Steve Winwood :

Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine

Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind, we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me

Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind, we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring be a higher love
I could rise above on a higher love I will wait for it I'm more

Bit of a thought

2009-11-09T01:19:00.000-08:00

This is a brief one, maybe due for expansion later. I'd like to journal more often. I'd love if it was a little more like my old 'diary-x' account, where the journal entries were nicely archived. It wasn't all on the same page. Is it still possible to organise it this way? Might have to play around with it.

A few scriptures I'm sort of pondering. How do they link and DO they link. Here they are..

Judgement (a good broad title/theme?)

Stuff I gotta SAY!

2009-10-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

It seems like, minus the few experiences I know of that were trying when I was younger, before the spiritual aspect in my life was taken care of, I watched and learnt things from others and didn't have to go through things myself to learn.
Now 'waaaah', I am facing times, it seems, where I am going through things and kind of having to 'make my way'. It is very uncomfortable.

At my last place of employment, I met with 'bitchiness' from staff members towards other staff. Not a lot of stuff was directed at me to my face - a lot was behind peoples' backs. 'Wolves in sheeps clothing' stuff. A lady from church prayed with me against that and put it in those words. I think I've mentioned this before in my blog. I came to feeling like I was walking on eggshells around people, and I didn't open up much in that job for fear of 'casting pearls before swine'. It was a discouraging work environment for me.

I've been employed in my next job under the 'pretenses' that it is a business that values Respect, etc... I see respect there for customers. And I see that the managers are seeking to be respected by employees. But I feel a bit like respect from managers, for staff, is lagging. My agreement entitles me to a 30 minute break, plus a 10 minute break if I work 7.5/8 hours. Yet I've been told on the job that there might be times I won't get my 10 minute break. That if it gets too busy you don't get it. But although the agreement mentions break times being negotiable (based on how busy the place is, ie. you obviously might find it difficult to get your break at 12:30 when it's the lunch rush) it does not mention that the breaks themselves are negotiable.

Another issue I'm facing now potentially is that of a paid 30 minute lunch break. If I work more than 5 hours, according to my understanding of the agreement, I get a paid break, but at work so far I have always been told to clock out. So what's going on there?

I'm not afraid of managers anymore, exactly. Not afraid to approach and communicate with them...or at least I have the courage to! Thanks Lord..? :)) After my last job, and being given 4 weeks notice when the idea was supposed to be mutual (I thought...we would work together around when us staff were leaving - an aim was that 5 people per year would find other employment and leave, or that was my understanding - I thought it would be something that would be planned out with staff ahead of it happening). I'm not bothered if I lose this job, so I'm comfortable to be assertive, but it's still 'painful'/stressful to be feeling that I have to challenge things. It makes me feel like I might possibly leave ahead of my 3 months' probationary time being over. I know I said I would be a loyal employee and could stay on for maybe 5 years at least, but that is conditional on my experience of being treated well, too. If I feel like I'm considered a challenging person, or difficult person, and if I know there's a bit of negative feeling about that, I'm going to find it difficult to want to come to work. I have to be treated with respect as well.

I don't know how to approach it, and probably won't, with my manager, but when I have a meeting with her, she sometimes walks off..! It's the end of the meeting and she doesn't 'walk back' with you. She seems to put on this air that 'I'm superior and important' and she's like, "Alright." and off she goes back wherever she was before. It makes me feel a bit unacknowledged or maybe under-valued.
..I'm seeing how I don't want to be, and I'm learning in that way, but I'm learning in close proximity. I'm not watching her or these other supervisors with other staff members (well that too); I'm watching her with me. I'm comfortable to be assertive but I feel like it's treated like, 'oh, she thinks I'm a poor or mean or unfair supervisor' (one lady..), or, '..she doesn't care about the job, she only wants her breaks' (no! but they're both important. I've got to be looked after), or 'she's always going on about something that 'should' be being done. It's so grating'. I don't want to 'peeve' people. Am I too early in to be raising things of concern? But from my past experience I don't want to leave it sit either, and the second of the values of the business is to be Direct, Honest and Open. So take me or leave me is kind of my feeling. I'll be nice. I'll be myself. :). ..:) and I'll communicate my acceptance of the 'one lady' supervisor who seems to be concerned I'm being critical, and I'll communicate the positives and the strengths with Your help. And 'do with it what you will'? and that'll be that. I'm committed to being a good supervisor and part of that is in being respected and valued myself. I'm sure that they do respect and value me in their own different ways, but it needs to abide by the conditions of my employment too.

Oh, I miss the social work kind of sphere! I long for a Christian, mature, supportive manager over me. I hope I can be that for people, but I would like it for me too if I can have that.. I want to always feel good about coming to work. I am committed to seeking for things to go well here, and boy am I assertive! Woohoo I am not scared of you! If I lose it I can find something else. But ..*sigh*..would that it wouldn't be just an uphill struggle. Let me not be looked down on just because I'm young, or because *gasp* I am 'opinionated' (I'm not..not in a bad way. Bold? :)). Strong and very courageous, and doing everything with love, is how I want to always be. I'm glad for the freedom I feel to communicate at work. I'm glad that I feel confident to do that, and that it feels like a supportive enough environment. But don't let me be mistreated by key people and find it difficult.

Problems recently have been with limited stock. Not enough spinach leaves! ;) Sounds funny, but I needed those for a bunch of wraps and for some focaccias I had to make. Couldn't make them. One thing I need to do better is to make sure I label 'unfinished' stuff that I put into the fridge. I put 3 focaccias in the fridge but didn't label them, "these need spinach" - later a customer came over and said she had gotten the wrong focaccia and I saw that these unfinished ones I'd put in the fridge (in case spinach arrived on the day) had been circulated as a different type of focaccia. No! ;) Yikes.

I got overwhelmed on coffees in the morning. Expected relief would come at 8am - I had been told by manager it would - and it didn't, and it was somehow put back on me, and I couldn't respond very well at the time. I forgot while talking to manager that another staff member - who she said I could have approached - I had actually spoken to at the time, asking her if she was on coffees (because I was expecting relief). Gotta communicate more clearly next time, "can you please help me, this has all come in at once". Staff member seemed kind of in a daze and wasn't quite acknowledging some things. I did the freeze thing that the same girl had told me happened to her when she started coffees. I had stuff buzzing behind me - food that was ready to go with some drink orders. Then I had salad bar staff coming over with food and getting my attention to tell me that 'this order for [28] is up. Jess. Jess?' Oh and when one girl came over in time to do that again...she was like, "Jess?", I looked over and I hope that look wasn't like, "WHAT". ;) I think it probably was how I'd felt though, like, "yes, you have my attention, tell me and be quick". ;). *embarrassed* I don't want to be 'short' with people. Ever.

The maintenance/cleaner man is very chatty, and chatted to me as I was preparing wraps and stuff where I had to look at lists and work out what went in what, to meet the orders. Thankfully, after a while of this, God (I think, I hope, I believe..) busted in with a way to not hurt his feelings while making sure I could focus more on my work. It didn't entirely work but it did help. I said casually, not just after he said something but leaving a pause and working, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to talk heaps this morning...I have to work out these orders.." Something like that. And he was like, "yeah, that's alright". *Phew!*

I got really angry (and I don't normally get that way!) with the 8am staff member, because she was there at the time, even told me I'd have to use powder vs hot chocolate sauce that I'd just run out of, while the rush was there, but then she didn't do anything to help, she just went out into the office. She was 'dazed'...sleepy..? And slow in responding later as well when I asked help getting into the till, because one lady had waited 'too long' for a latte and was angry and wanted her money back. I felt angry that I'd been left on my own and that later when the manager had come in she looked to me for why there'd been so many refunds at the time. The 8am-er maybe said to the manager that she 'hadn't known' it was so busy. I hadn't asked for help. But then she 'had the nerve' to approach me, even after I'd been out there with her and at one point felt that she was feeling a little bit 'small' that she hadn't helped and had left me and that I was being 'quiet' and a bit huffy at not having had an 8am person, to say, 'I didn't know'. I'd waited until I'd calmed down before I went out there. It was nearly a tearful kind of moment because the manager had earlier put it on me to have asked for the help. I approached 8am-er and said, "I needed help this morning. Next time, if it gets like that do you mind coming and helping me. (I said something too that I didn't need to, that was putting me down..said 'I'm not always good at asking for help'. No, don't say something negative about yourself like that!!)". Her response was something like, "sure but just tell me. ..I had no idea." And the way she said it I really felt like she'd known and was now putting it on me.
I went back into the back area to finish some work, and then '8am-er' came through to me there to 'reassure' me she would be more than happy to help me if she'd known. And by then I'd REMEMBERED that, 'hang on, you did know', and I was able to then say, "But..you were out there at 8am. And I asked you if you were on coffees. That was my way of asking for help".

..I guess it's good I didn't remember that when the manager was talking with me, because then it might have fallen back more on the newly supervising 8am person. But I wasn't pleased (I'm over it now :)) that it was landed on me. Was/is the '8am-er' scared of the manager? It's bothersome if she's scared to face up to responsibility, if she is 'much loved' over me and if she is going to maybe do this again. And if I am going to forget some things under pressure that I have done well. I suppose if she does do it again I will talk to her about it. And if it continues after that I will chat to Annie. Oooh, wouldn't be looking forward to that.

I need someone to show me how to use the food processor before I take on this work experience person on the 4th of November. That's going to be something for tomorrow. And I'll have to be again assertive today and just double-check with Annie what my hours are for tomorrow and what my tasks will be. Or I will call the bakery and find out. But NOT now during lunch time.

..Alright..

I hope this hasn't sounded all judgmental and horrible. I'm just trying to process things. And I'm a little pleased I was able to just spill it all here. No names, of course, but *bler* just let me get it out ;)
I want to work somewhere positive. I want to be such a good communicator that work DOES go smoothly. I do want to be respected too. And not for being a 'bitch'. And I'm glad..I don't think I have been. I did get very angry and emotional about things that morning and I have wondered how this could impact on my 'chances' at being a supervisor (still think I've got what it takes or is too much going wrong? It was my first day solo out the back there, and overwhelmed at the front to boot, with staff 'behind' me who were untrained in coffees or customer service who could have helped me more. Anne was great - she wanted to help but she backed away a couple of times - later said she didn't know how to do it and would have to learn..) but I can only hope the manager is not too short and too quick to focus on apparent negatives, and that she'll come to see how good I will be at this. I believe I've got the position because You know I am able to do it. And I am SO CONFIDENT NOW, more than I was before, because I have NICE staff. They actually seem to like me, even (and sometimes 'especially' or at least) the ones I've felt unsure of. I don't want to be 'brazen' in fear of being walked over. I don't have to point the finger at others. I can simply commit to focussing on what I can do to improve without dragging anyone else into things. I'm not angry with anyone anymore about that morning. They're all forgiven and I am too! in my eyes. But I know I want to be 'on the ball' to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Wooooow...lots..

'Actually it might not be that bad' (song on radio...'hey Jealousy'..?)

Marjorie

2009-09-25T16:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Marjorie,

I have worked out a way to help me to write letters that is quick, and where I don't lose bits of paper or get 'stuck' on coming back to it if I have to leave and do something else. I am typing them for the moment, while I 'get back into it'.
How are you? I'm sorry it has been so long! I hope that things are going very well, with you and with everyone from your family. :)
I have gotten a job. It is not social work exactly..! I responded to an ad by the [***name removed!*****] - they were looking for a part time supervisor. I got it! :) I was very pleased, but also quite scared! They'll start me as a team member and show me how to do 'everything', and then will train me for the supervisor role.
:) I've been drawing encouragement from God through children's books.. one book I read over last night - it was 'The Little Engine that Could'. There is a cherry red ;) engine that is loaded up with good gifts and good food (and milk! Must'nt forget the milk! ;)) for children who were in a city, in a valley on the other side of the mountain.
The train's going along fine but breaks down. Eventually a blue train hears the plea for help and assists the red train over the mountain. It's only a very little train but it is determined...it thinks of the children over the other side of the mountain who need what the red engine is carrying. I get a bit lost in the metaphor between whether I'm the red or the blue one, but I guess [like the cup of tea analogy you gave once] there's no telling where I end and where God begins.. :) I see the blue one as being a lot like Jesus, but I also see that everything I have is from Him too and all that I can do. And I think about Him helping me over this 'mountain' from an 'external' type of viewpoint but I also connect with that blue engine and realise that God is IN me, too. "Greater is He that is in me..."
I find it a little interesting that the book is on my shelf next to one by a man named [J..ossy **C]. He visited [**again, details..!*] not too long ago.. and I wasn't sure at the time if it was 'just him' or God (back to tea example and engines..! haha. Where's the line? ;)) but he told me to 'keep going'. The little blue engine keeps going..the red engine isn't strong enough, but that's 'not as important' in the end. They make it over / 'overcome' the mountain. It's a huge encouragement.
There's so much more I could share at the moment, but I will wait to hear from you. You are very welcome to send mail to me over here. I don't think my mum would open it. :) I have thought of getting a Post Office box but I don't think I will need to. I'm not sure where else you could send it to.
Have a really beautiful week. God bless you and keep you strong in Him. :) 'God-willing', I will write again some time soon. Is your birthday in October? The 17th..? I am possibly wrong with the number..
Love from Jessie.

Lieve Oma

2009-09-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Lieve Oma,

How is everything with you? It has been a little while since I last wrote. I hope you are well. I have seen you on 'You Tube'! On the reality show. They made you look very cheeky..!!
Oma, it is the beginning of the second day with Ome Henk and Tante Miep visiting :) It has been good - they don't look much different, although Tante Miep looks better than I remembered, maybe because she stopped smoking. She is 'radiant', Oma! I feel very comfortable with her. Ome Henk's beard is scratchy when he gives kisses ;) but they are both looking very well and I think they are very happy to be here. They have a 'heel' (very) big ('groot'?) list of places they want to travel to!! I hope they can see as much as they want to of Australia.
I've gotten a job, Oma! It will be a part time position at the Beechworth Bakery (in Bendigo). I begin as a team member, learning everything, and then will be trained to be a supervisor. I am really looking forward to the management experience, and it is a lovely and very 'comfortable' atmosphere to work in. I think I will enjoy it.
I will be able to write to you a bit more. I should have been okay to before..! But now that I am not applying for jobs as well as working it will be easier. I have also worked out that I can sit and type my letters first, and then write them out. I find it easier or quicker to put things on paper that way.
It is difficult for me to talk to you over the phone, because my Dutch is not very good. So I plan to send more letters.
Have a beautiful week, my beautiful Oma!! :) God bless you. I am going well. There have been some hard things, but God is working in me and I know that He will never leave me. He will never leave you, either :D.
I love you.
Heel veel liefs, en kusjes, en groot knuffles!!!! ;) :) :)
Your Jessica.

Sleep!

2009-09-17T02:41:00.000-07:00

Had a dream where I was crying..? Lyn was there somewhere, but prominently was a book - the bible. There was a passage that said that the Lord hears His people when they cry to Him.

Before I had that dream I'd been meditating a bit on a scripture that was given me by someone (God through someone :)) - 'We are His people, the sheep of His pasture'.

Psalm 69

Read the following earlier when I googled the 'scripture' to try and find it.

June 14
The Lord Hears Our Cries!
Things have been pretty difficult for me lately and this psalm has really blessed me and comforted me immensly! May it do the same for you! When it feels like we can hold on no longer, God holds us in His arms even tighter!

Psalm 69

Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. 2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. 3 I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me. 4 Those who hate me without cause outnumber the hairs on my head. Many enemies try to destroy me with lies, demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.
5 O God, you know how foolish I am; my sins cannot be hidden from you. 6 Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me, O Sovereign Lord of Heaven’s Armies. Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated, O God of Israel. 7 For I endure insults for your sake; humiliation is written all over my face. 8 Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me; they treat me like a stranger.
9 Passion for your house has consumed me, and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me. 10 When I weep and fast, they scoff at me. 11 When I dress in burlap to show sorrow, they make fun of me. 12 I am the favorite topic of town gossip, and all the drunks sing about me.
13 But I keep praying to you, Lord, hoping this time you will show me favor. In your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with your sure salvation. 14 Rescue me from the mud; don’t let me sink any deeper! Save me from those who hate me, and pull me from these deep waters. 15 Don’t let the floods overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me.
16 Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 17 Don’t hide from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble! 18 Come and redeem me; free me from my enemies.
19 You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace. You see all that my enemies are doing. 20 Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. If only one person would show some pity; if only one would turn and comfort me. 21 But instead, they give me poison for food; they offer me sour wine for my thirst.
22 Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare and their prosperity become a trap. 23 Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see, and make their bodies shake continually. 24 Pour out your fury on them; consume them with your burning anger. 25 Let their homes become desolate and their tents be deserted. 26 To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury; they add to the pain of those you have hurt. 27 Pile their sins up high, and don’t let them go free. 28 Erase their names from the Book of Life; don’t let them be counted among the righteous.
29 I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.
30 Then I will praise God’s name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving. 31 For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle, more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves. 32 The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged. 33 For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people.
34 Praise him, O heaven and earth, the seas and all that move in them. 35 For God will save Jerusalem and rebuild the towns of Judah. His people will live there and settle in their own land. 36 The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land, and those who love him will live there in safety.

Very nice day

2009-09-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

I am a princess!!

Re-applied and READY.

2009-09-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

I have re-applied. YEAH!

'We never
We never
We never give up'. (Salvation Army??? In part at least. We never give up.

Give me that interview!!!!)

See my potential!

hehe

Sweeeeet!

2009-08-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's not working very well to copy and paste the next lot of scripture into my blog window.

I might summarise...? Can always just go back on to the website and read over things again.

I liked the reminder of how 'big' God is, in verses 15-18 and that he is the head of the church. Makes me feel looked after for sure.

In verse 24 I (ooh.. ..) pictured a jug/tube being filled up with a pinkish liquid. I know..interesting hey..and I just remembered, and don't know if it's quite so relevant (I don't want to think of v.24 that way): seeing a show on telly tonight where they were pouring out blood (and water...from chicken meat sold in supermarkets) into those vessels to measure how much water was being added. Paul was pleased to 'fill up' on Christ's afflictions...being willing to take on the same treatment as Jesus suffered, for the sake of the people he had been commissioned by God to reach.

I felt 'rested', reading through the rest of Colossians 1 tonight. God IS so big. There is plenty for me to do now, and a big part is preparing and reading His word; letting His words speak into me continuously as He has commanded me to do (I'm saying commanded and not just 'told' or some other word because I want to take it seriously, and I believe God means it seriously. I can 'enjoy' the process of course..but there is a need for me to make the time and etc...
I wonder what sort of a training He's going to give me. If it's going to be that I go and spend some time in bible college (not really in my mind much at all..I might just check in with a friend who is doing some study and snatch his questions for my own reflection ;)), or that I 'sit at His feet'... I like the second the best. And I am a part of God's body - there is plenty I can learn through/from people at church as well.

Verse 24...Paul was willing to suffer..

Something 'Jossie' (not cat, a preacher/saint..) shared on Sunday was the importance of lifting our eyes.. Looking to the needs of the people around us more than for our own. Trusting God with our needs.

For me... I can't yet be out in ministry in a full time scenario...well not in the way I'm maybe thinking...I can be in ministry in helping people out in Melbourne to gain stable accommodation..that would be worthwhile and who knows what conversations we would have *:)*. Things I can definitely do now are:
Prepare - I will be 'there'...a leader of some sort, I've been told..eventually, so if I want to do that well I am best to study, read, listen, learn from God.
Stuff for others. Good things; don't have to be big to be 'big'. A kind word (BIG). A patient attitude..cheerfulness. Warmth.
What else? There's a lot.
Sweetness. :)

Paul had God's powerful energy working in him, too. v.29. So there's a 'vial' of Christ's suffering about Paul's life..but also a 'tank' of God's energy, working powerfully in him.

Ex potential man wanted to keep me as a friend on facebook, but doesn't talk to me at all. ..I feel 'neglected' in that. Might try to say hello and see if I get any kind of a response. Tempted to do like a 3 strikes and you're out, type thing. But I'm not going to do that/even feel like, 'no..he's a brother..' Does he 'need' me? I guess we all need each other. .. :) Okay I don't feel so bad now ;). I'll just pay attention to other important things...pray for him.. I talk to his girlfriend more than to him, because that seems appropriate. Not sure where he's at..might just post a hello message.

"Break it down!" ;)

2009-08-05T02:00:00.000-07:00

Colossians 1 (New International Version)
Colossians 1
1Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,
2To the holy and faithful[a] brothers in Christ at Colosse: Grace and peace to you from God our Father.[b]
Thanksgiving and Prayer 3We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, 4because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— 5the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel 6that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. 7You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our[c] behalf, 8and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

Breaking it down...bits at a time..

Faith and love springing from hope stored up for us in heaven, that we have heard about.
The gospel bearing fruit and growing, all over the world, and among 'you' since the day of hearing and understanding about God's grace 'in all its truth'.
The church in Colossae's LOVE in the Spirit, also mentioned - reported back to Paul and Timothy by Epaphras.

Pick me up

2009-08-04T03:46:00.000-07:00

Pete Murray - You Pick Me Up lyrics

You saved me
Like you somehow owed me
Passion now flowing in my veins
Breathless days
I'd sit alone in silence
You brought me sun
And took away the rain

Honestly it's not a phase
Now I stand
Where before I couldn't raise
Even a smile just to get me through the days

You pick me up
You pick me up

You took me
Set my world on fire
Red stop light, you only see green
No mistakes
You march on/out your like you're wired
You lift me up
To the greatest that I've been

Honestly it's not a phase
Now I stand
Where before I couldn't raise
Even a smile just to get me through the days

You pick me up
You pick me up

You pick me up
Making me fire
Do you even know how much you've saved

Take me now
I have what I wanted
Bonfire, I'm all warm inside
Thank you hell
You've been more than I needed
There's no black cloud
There is no black at all

Honestly it's not a phase
Now I stand
Where before I couldn't raise
Even a smile just to get me through the day

You pick me up
You pick me up

Jess-ie..the 'cleaning' lady... erm.

2009-07-31T16:37:00.001-07:00

I am motivated to clean this morning. I am thankful to God for that! It needs to be done. I am going to be 'blameless' before my family by having a 'spotless' room.

? who ever coined spot-less...? What sort of spots are we talking about here? There is a 'spot' or two, or more, yes, more..haha, on my windowsill, but some are 'marks' too where I think little spots (SPOTS) of paint are gone.

But that's beside the point. I am going to CLEAN! Have begun folding some clothes already. Then there will be 'tidying', dusting, vacuuming, changing some things.

I plan to fold some more clothes, 'now'. Then have a big breakfast. More fuel for more cleaning ;)

So this is me signing off...to clean.

If you don't hear from me in a couple of days, it could mean I've gotten buried in it all :P J/k.

2009-07-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

*thum,thum,thum,thum,thum,thum,thum...*

(Not my heart..more like, Where's my mind at the moment?)

Wanting to get in touch with Ryan on some level.
Wanting to hold back..when I ask myself why the answer is not so clear, but it has a fair bit to do with wanting to be sure.
Feeling sure enough, to 'date', I think. But still scared and uncertain..

Time. Going..

There IS a book on dating ;) :D ;). 'Jane Austen's Guide to Dating' ;). I haven't read much of it..
The profile picture comment was :) a smile. *:)*

Cheese and pickles hey.. *sigh*
'Of all the men..'.I think he has my heart. The marriage front is pretty daunting. It's kind of not in a way. Would be really nice.. 'ideally'(?).

'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove..'
..I'm not sure how the rest of that goes. Something about, 'I would fly away and be at rest/peace'.

....'..be at peace'...?
Well it sounds nice. I would like to take that advice tonight. Surely You can lend me Your wing..You take me under Your wing..
Amen.

Quietness and confidence

2009-06-28T23:34:00.000-07:00

4Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
proud, or 5rude.
Love isn't selfish
or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep a record
of wrongs that others do.
6Love rejoices in the truth,
but not in evil.
7Love is always supportive,
loyal, hopeful,
and trusting.
8Love never fails!
Everyone who prophesies
will stop,
and unknown languages
will no longer
be spoken.
All that we know
will be forgotten.
9We don't know everything,
and our prophecies
are not complete.
10But what is perfect
will someday appear,
and what isn't perfect
will then disappear.
11When we were children,
we thought and reasoned
as children do.
But when we grew up,
we quit our childish ways.
12Now all we can see of God
is like a cloudy picture
in a mirror.
Later we will see him
face to face.
We don't know everything,
but then we will,
just as God completely
understands us.
13For now there are faith,
hope, and love.
But of these three,
the greatest is love.

CEV. Biblegateway.com

Pouring my heart out..
'Pouring myself into..'
Pouring..

Loving Sir..

2009-06-25T03:11:00.001-07:00

Feeling kind of despondent tonight. Not totally. Feel like I don't need to worry...

Some lyrics.. Captures a bit of what I've been thinking over.

Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Song: Please Forgive Me
Album: Skin 2001
Translate: German French Spanish Italian Russian Portuguese
Send "Please Forgive Me" Ringtone to your Cell

It's been so long since I've touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened

I want you to find me charming and wise
I just want you to find me
Somewhere here inside
I barely know you
We've been sort of friends

So what if I called you and called you again
What would I tell you
Where would I begin

Please forgive me
If I don't know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new

There's a light in my window
It shines all night long
In the morning my coffee
Is sweet but it's strong
I carefully reach out from behind these walls
I'll take a deep breath and give you a call
Hello how are you
Not much at all

Lost in this hole
That has ripped through my soul
I unlock this secret inside
What should I think
I've had too much to drink
As my mind and my body collide

I'm not used to the idea of dating. Not where it begins very serious..
I'm scared that he's a 'brother' and not a 'boyfriend'
I'm scared that he is more, and You don't seem to be making things clear
Do You just want me to 'walk blindly' (not 'blindly', exactly, I know...but doing things largely on my own...managing a relationship largely on my own initiative..?)
Is everyone's advice really worth listening to? Some of it has differed slightly. And one lady, without knowing me through conversation, mentioned something I had wanted - to be looking to God; for the other person, the man, husband-to-be, to be looking to God; and for God to do the match-making.

The 'how' is what stumps me. Can a person be right and 'there' and can that be all good and fine and what God wants and He expects me to take the hint?

It's difficult to overcome the wanting things to be very clear. Doubts crop up..I wonder if we have the same kind of philosophy on life, and where we're at with God, and if any differences aren't big or if they're 'deal breakers', as 'Dr. Phil' might call them.

Confirmation..a handy thing that I would like.

I'm worried that I'm very unstable. I don't have a single stable relationship at the moment, not exactly. Not a close one. I don't want to go it alone. And I feel that there could be something here. But I'm sugar scared. Getting very close to this man from the internet distance. Want to know that it's alright. Want to not be scared.

Where is he with You?

Where am I with You? Never mind so much about him.

I'm in a similar situation with church. I want Your best, but I've been confused about where that is/what that looks like. I want to be at the Oasis of Love church because I felt I was more stable there. But when I've looked to what You've wanted while at the other church I've felt (and feelings...what about knowing..?) You've wanted me to stay there.

I am quite attracted to Ryan. There is love that will always be there, but I feel that it is deeper than friendship, and I've communicated that as well. But I feel a little unsteady.
I'm looking for a relationship that will support me to be/become the person You want me to be. To walk with You. I want You to be the main thing but of course I also want companionship and love and friendship from him. That it be he, You and I together. I'm scared of putting myself in the place of 'saviour', if that's what Ryan could be looking to me for. I'm scared that I'm running ahead into something I'm not ready for. The 'now' stuff is very strong.. I want Ryan's love. And I want to share mine with him.

I just want to do that in a way that pleases You as well. I want to make sure that that's what I'm doing. Please help me with that.

I'm scared that I didn't feel I was considering Ryan as a partner until he said something about desiring more. But I don't regret how we've gotten to know each other. I worry that I maybe should've been more aloof or 'business-like' (M's advice regarding another man, who I felt God wanted me to speak to).

But I feel that I've 'fallen' for him.. I just want to know how I'm allowed to love Ryan.

I want to respect whatever boundary You give me.
I'm worried this is a 'test'. You've stopped relationships from happening before, but are You now giving me the opportunity to show my trust in You..

I don't want to get together and wreck things. I don't want to take it on myself to do something if it's not okay with You and if You mean me to be warned. I haven't got anyone else I can really take this up with. There's M, but I feel awkard writing her another letter and just coming out with that, "Hi, how are you? Well I hope. This stuff is bothering me...."

I would like to 'work it out' with Ryan..I guess be together until You communicate it's not what You want...or let You confirm it. But what are the risks associated with that. Is that still rushing. There are still things I don't know certainly. I want to be his, is my pretty strong feeling at the moment.

But if that's going to happen, I want him to know my fears and be prepared to be led by You.
(What are You saying to him?
What are You saying to me?)

"We WALK.." ;) (doesn't think she likes that song!)

2009-06-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Walk..apple.. that's all I have planned now. Movie? ;) A reward sounds nice. Can come back with 'fresh eyes' tomorrow at work (at work location, but not needing to be there for work) and read through that criteria, see how it sounds and keep the absolute final copy for home.

I can't just 'slack off' this afternoon ;) There's more I want to do.

Pay is less now that am 2 days p.w. I have to put time sheet in this Friday.
'But' (as if it was negative..), living cost has decreased. I don't 'need' to travel in every day. Not necessarily. Still seem to have enough money even after buying a few new clothes recently, to put more savings away than the standard amount.

I am a little over typing, right now ;)
Better walk.

Phew!

2009-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

I ate all my cookies.. in the space of about 5-10 minutes. Needed a break. Needed lunch.

I feel better after speaking to Bill. Only briefly, but it was very nice. He wished me all the best with this application and said he would ask Marg to call me back.

Just made me feel like, 'there's another voice in the world' ;) Cooped up with dogs, mum, phone calls to and from Marg about this criteria and wondering if she's impatient about it..or feeling like she might be. But here was Bill, kind and positive and different voice, Bill. Thank You Lord for Bill :)

And Marg...! Of course, haha.

This whole process, and having late lunch...staring at screen, typing, receiving feedback and typing more, made me feel like I was just 'over' it. Glad I took time away for lunch. Self care in action! I didn't just push through til it was all totally done. I still have until 5pm. Well..4pm if I want to be more 'decent' and give it time to be received. :)

There is sunshine outside. And it's looking so nice outside from my window. That's a help too. Woohoo! Marg.

...she submitted it!! No more feedback! But I should have been a little less conversational, maybe. Asked her after talking a bit if she was going to the breakfast meeting tomorrow, said might see her there. She sounded a bit funny. I'm a bit young to be befriending women her age, probably :P

Ahh...but thanks Bill!! And, Marg :) And YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY. Now my next plan of action is to check out that CYF Act, and to learn more about both DHS and St. Luke's and see what I can do to be ready for the interview.

Sounds good.

Ah... ;) haha

You're the best thing

2009-06-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

"You're the best thing about me" (among Savage Garden lyrics - 'The Best Thing' ;))

I think the only other thing I can identify with in the same song is,
'You're so close, where do You end, where do I begin'.

Brings me back to 'tea' example Marjorie gave, where you've got the vessel..the cup.. add 'individual' elements like tea, sugar milk, water, ...but when you've got your cup of tea there all made and whole, etc. you cannot point at it and go, "oh, that bit there...there's the sugar." "Oh look and the tea (unless there are floaties in your tea, the stuff leaked through the bag or something ;) ;))". You are one with me and I one with You.

Oh, that reminded me :) Yesterday I was thinking along those lines.. there was a song by Lucas Parry ('You are loved') that mentions something like, 'He has sent me to be His hands and feet, to show His love for you'.
And I know that God can apply that to me. And then I 'remembered' a scripture that was wonderful. I 'realised', with the following scripture in mind,

"He who receives you receives Me*, and he who receives Me receives the one who sent me".

*Jesus, God whom everyone could 'see' and who died for us to pay what was required by the law, since the penalty for sin is death and if we didn't have Jesus - and don't 'receive' what He's done for us - we would have to pay the penalty ourselves

If someone truly receives and loves me, knowing full well 'who I am'..and if I am in You and it's Your love that I am giving, and Your truth I am (hopefully, please, I desire that..!) living by, then they receive You, too.

"Hold on to my freedom"

2009-06-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

I was in the process of getting myself up, awake and organised..

Started dancing a little at some point.. and thought about a friend and how God had told her He would teach her to dance..

And I wondered what that might 'look' like, and thought to a time where I'd been at a conference and people had danced in an ordered kind of way...'unified'..

Then got from that to the most embarrassing public thing I had ever done. Just 'relived' it again in parts. It was horrible. Not once, not twice, but 3 or more times I 'blundered'...thinking God wanted me to do something and even though limits had been outlined by people in authority, going ahead and doing what seemed right to me. Thinking God overrode the authority (the authority that He had set up? But I didn't 'get' that then..I thought that He was leading me to do something and I wanted to do the right thing)

It brought back all of the terrible feeling of it. I felt horrible and then wondered how on earth all that came up again. Took me a while to remember the dancing and how that all flowed into it.

Was apologetic all over again. Don't want to take that up again. "It's water over the bridge, or under the bridge.." ;)

I'm fine. I just wished I hadn't come to dwelling on it again. It IS 'water over the bridge/under the bridge' now. I am free of all that. Gloriously free :) ;) :)

Aaaaah help! ;)

2009-05-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

Key Selection Criteria

Resilience

Perseveres to achieve goals, even in the face of obstacles
Copes effectively with set backs and disappointments
Remains calm and in control under pressure
Accepts constructive criticism in an objective manner without becoming defensive

Self Discipline

Maintains a consistent and sensible pattern of behaviour under pressure
Recognises and restrains inappropriate emotions during a situation or interaction
Recognises own limitations and works with others to ensure plans are achieved

Self Confidence

Conveys confidence through body language
Trusts own ability
Listens to and considers criticism
Reflects on their actions in a balanced way
Viewed by others as confident

Decisiveness

Makes rational and sound decisions based on a consideration of the facts and alternatives
Makes tough decisions, sometimes with incomplete information
Evaluates rational and emotional elements of situations
Makes quick decisions where requiredCommits to a definite course of action

Assessment and Problem Solving

Well-developed investigative, conceptual and analytical skills, including the ability to identify and resolve difficult problems and respond to and manage challenging and crisis situations.

Building Commitment

Good verbal communication, persuasion, advocacy, negotiation and motivation skills including the ability to deal effectively and diplomatically with clients, families, service providers and court officials.

Written Communication

Well-developed written and computer literacy skills with the ability to prepare detailed, logical and concise reports, case notes, court documentation and correspondence and maintain client records and Departmental databases.

Planning and Organising

Possess competent work organisation skills with the ability to effectively and independently organise one's own workload, set priorities, ensure adherence to service standards and established guidelines and achieve service delivery goals within appropriate timelines.

Child Abuse and Neglect

Possess a developed understanding of what constitutes risk and issues relating to child maltreatment and the complexities of dealing with these risks and issues in a public welfare/child protection context.

Assessing Risk

Experience and skills in undertaking assessments and in the use of different forms of analysis and evaluation of risks, an understanding of the relative merits of different scenarios, intervention techniques and approaches and the ability to provide important linkages to address the specific needs of each case.

Mandatory/Desirable Qualifications

Degree (Mandatory)
or
Diploma (Mandatory)
Bachelor of Social Work or Diploma of Community Welfare Work. Other tertiary qualifications at Diploma or above level will be considered only if they include units of study in case management/casework practice and supervised practical work placements in r

God is working in me.

2009-05-23T05:15:00.000-07:00

I had this horrible fear that You could 'desert' me. That I would go all through life and nothing significant would happen; You would leave me on my own.

That's absolute rubbish..

You do love me.
No-one just forgets someone they love. Or if they somehow could, you never, never would.
You are constant.
And I am/can be strong.
I don't need to be led around by emotions.

You know the plans You have for me, Father, and I ask that they would all come to be in my life. In Jesus' name. Thank You Lord. Amen.

"When I tell you that I love you,
You're gonna say you love me too.
And when I ask You to be mine,
You're gonna say you love me too.
You love me too."

Life isn't worth anything if you're going to forget about all of us. And I'm sure that you don't.

There are some 'really strange' philosophies going around. Some that make belief seem like a stupid thing. But there's no alternative. Even if I was to pull everything all back and try to find something very solid, there's You. There's Jesus (You, again..). There's all of that. There's way too much that I've seen and encountered to ever think there is nothing to You, or that You are not who You claim to be.

I love You.

I've got to figure out something...'schedule'? I feel bothered, and have worried You could desert me, because there are things I've been choosing over You. I'm sorry for that...I just feel unsure what the best thing is at times.

I said yes to watching "Yes Man" (ayee...) before 'thinking' maybe You wanted some time with me with you, tonight.

;)

"What is it you want from me,
there isn't much I will not do.."

I know that I am Yours. I'm also at risk of being 'unbalanced' in the wrong way; going too far into You and ignoring people. So tonight I chose movie.. I felt like the feeling like I 'should' spend the time with You instead was maybe just a ploy by the enemy to make me question everything and cause frustration to people around me; giving them a reason to bag me out. I'm already getting the 'see the power of belief, Jess? Look at the silly things people get themselves into' (relevant to movie...Jim Carey bungy jumping 'just because'...). But everyone, truly does believe in something.

You either believe there's nothing worth living for, and then what do you do, just give up on everything?
Or (and there's many other 'options' I'm sure, not just the two) you acknowledge God, or that there's a reason to be alive, and you pursue stuff that lines up with what you believe..

I forgot...somehow...far out...!..that You love me and You're not just going to leave me in the lurch. "Oh, yes I spoke to you back then but this time I want you to work it out...'still small voice' kind of thing. Sorry darl, it's time to fly, just work it out but don't stuff it up". I don't think so! But 'what was I thinking?'

...but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God. 1 Samuel 30:6

That's why I [need to] come aside so often 'by myself'..because I need to believe the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There are people who see the same but I seem to be largely surrounded by people who don't get it yet, or who are genuinely honestly wonderfully easily grasping things but...that's complicated. And even if everyone around me has it perfect, I still need to KNOW YOU. I am so 'impressionable'.. Need You to be impressing on me. Still small voice is fine as long as its clear. And I get that. But there ARE some things where I know I need more..and I can trust You with that. As sure as You've spoken to me and made other things very clear.

I'm feeling better. Thank you 'blog'.. ;) (You know..).
Father, Help me draw closer please. Don't let me pick stuff over You. Help me to have a REALLY GOOD balance. Even MAKE SURE I do.
In Jesus' name.

Philippians 2:13-16a was in the paper the other day. CEV. As follows:

GOD is working in you to make you willing and able to obey Him. Do everything without grumbling or arguing. Then you will be the pure and innocent children of God.

You live among people who are crooked and evil, but you must not do anything that they can say is wrong. Try to shine as lights among the people of this world, as you hold firmly to the message that gives life.

2009-05-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

† ♥ nOth!ngs gOnna sTop us nOw ♥ †_Looking in your eyes I see a paradiseThis world that I found is too good to be trueStanding here beside you, want so much to give youThis love in my heart that I'm feeling for youLet 'em say we're crazy, don't care 'bout thatPut your hand in my hand baby, don't ever look backLet the world around us just fall apartBaby, we can make it if we're heart to heartAnd we can build this dream together, standing strong foreverNothing's gonna stop us nowAnd if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each otherNothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us nowWoh woh ohI'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose youWhatever it takes, I will stay here with youTake it to the good times, see it through the bad timesWhatever it takes is what I'm gonna doLet 'em say we're crazy, what do they knowPut your arms around me baby, don't ever let goLet the world around us just fall apartBaby, we can make it if we're heart to heart

And we can build this dream together, standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us

Ooh, all that I need is youAll that I ever needAnd all that I want to doIs hold you forever, forever and everAnd we can build this dream together, standing strong foreverNothing's gonna stop us nowAnd if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each otherNothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop usWoh oh oh-oh-ohNothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us nowHey babyAnd we can build this dream together, standing strong foreverNothing's gonna stop us nowAnd if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each otherNothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now..

Me.

2009-05-16T03:47:00.000-07:00

Waiting
Not expecting - or expecting but not being disappointed if it seems there's 'nothing today'
Frrr off bad view of self, and idea that I've driven a wedge in (as if You cannot overcome it)
Forgive self. The Lord rebuke Satan. I can pour out my heart to God and rest in and look to and trust in Him.
And have peace in my heart.
And guard my heart...it's what Satan would love to destroy.
God-willing, I don't even have to think about the enemy. But keep You in my view, Lord.
And manage my emotions.

There is a life for me that nothing can take away. And I am strong.

Who cares if it seems it's just me, or me and maybe one or two others. It doesn't matter/make a difference. I can still find You nearby.
Just let me care about myself. You (You) know, I can be so tough on myself, and so horrible, and yet I can also be the gentlest... I can 'cut myself a break'. Literally - I can carve that time out for You that I really do need.
I can.
And God-willing, I will! Even in just a moment. This time has been helpful, but I really do need to sit more 'directly' with God, too.

So, good night. Here I go. 'Wish me luck' (don't really. Pray for me, rather!).

Jessica.

rest needed tonight

2009-05-14T03:24:00.000-07:00

Quick update. Back is sore and I just want to go to sleep and be ready for tomorrow night. Performance at the theatre tomorrow night...am I going to just need to leave early or not go?

Caught up with Jessica.

No, I don't feel like writing.

April 23, 2009

2009-04-23T03:59:00.000-07:00

I went for a 5.6 (5.62..to be perfectly exact :P) bike ride tonight. I know..it's great having an exercise bike! Gonna have to start using that gym membership up..

5.6km
128 'calories'
15 minutes
And for a brief time I lifted 2 little 0.5kg weights whilst cycling ;) Not sure if I recommend that...I paid good attention tonight to my back..didn't feel comfortable to sit on the bike with my hands on the handles. Some time towards the end was spent with me tightening my stomach, having one hand on my back and one on my stomach and checking reflection in window to make sure I was sitting straight. Maybe (yes ;)) I've been sitting too much today and maybe not sitting quite properly, so reaching forward for the handles or leaning on the handles wasn't comfortable.

I got a nice haircut today..I feel more 'relaxed' in it. It's a fair bit shorter but still near my shoulders..a bit longer than. The part has been moved; I have to clip the fringe back tonight, can't forget..

I paid about $6.50 for inspiration. They 'took' my magazine! They didn't realise...I put it on the bench-top where some others were, where I was going to have my hair cut. Came back after a shampoo and it was gone. *:(* I had to learn to be okay with that and not to 'insist' on getting the magazine back. Remembered and could communicate what I wanted and the lady parted the hair further than I had 'meant' but it looks nicer - has just taken a bit of getting used to ;)

Have had an apple, after my little bit of exercise.
Called Lifeline today to sign up as a volunteer. Someone named Michael was supposed to get back to me. (i) The other thing I was meant to do tonight - email Lifeline. I'll give them the work number to call tomorrow.

Bite the bullet, baby :P It won't be that bad. I actually feel 'ready'. I wasn't ready at 6pm on Wednesday night...but I am now. ..It was just 'traumatic' ..thinking about the cons again, not wanting to be letting anyone down, feeling 'fragile' still and doubting myself. But I felt/feel strong today. I can do it. I can even 'insert humour' now over the phone, with people I don't know very well. My admin job has prepared me for that. How good is God, that He thinks of all these things.

I'm wondering how come the markets for Ryan. I guess he gets to learn what the good fruit is ;) - there'll be other skills and things You're gently providing him with. - insert joke about learning how to stay up at all hours - (a 'comeback' I can imagine him saying ;)). But...hey (i) there's Romans 8:28 again (gonna read it in context today. Wondering actually if that chapter touches on forgiveness for stuff from the past. There is now no condemnation..God works it together for good...think of the worst thing you've done and what are the important lessons you take from it now? How does it 'help' you, positively?)

There's 'humble beginnings'.. I was at Maccas..before that...living 'apart' from God..a much 'lower' place to be than just working at McDonald's. But I'm not there now. Things are changing. I am growing :)

And I am 'a clever girl' :) - a word from God, via Marjorie.

Letter. SOON...! I think now is 'nearly' the time. Tonight 'no', but maybe tomorrow after work if I'm not too sleepy after everything else.

Something else I've gotta send, too!

Also on my 'to do' list (that one that's all just up in my head and very disorganised or 'as You remind me' ;)) - learning more about chess notation. I can possibly then play 'chess by correspondence'.

'Over and out'. ;)

Broad meadows

2009-04-21T03:17:00.000-07:00

I have written and thought about that somewhere before..
..encountered it in Isaiah 30.
Any link with some of the word in there and dream re. wave..? Wall crumbling..have I chosen the way of oppression? And have I pulled back because of 5 family members? Is that a foolish thing or sensible? What option do I have, if You want me to keep living here? "I am more than willing to offer myself". I would like to check in with prophetic people from the church I was previously attending..brace self for whatever they could say, however unpleasant it may be.

Get this letter to Marjorie soon.. I drove by her place one evening and felt like stopping in, but kept going. Unsure how would be received. And it's never usually sensible to turn up unannounced..

Broad meadows and help would be wonderful.

Another S word... Stillness

2009-04-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much stillness in my life lately.

Read tonight from Michael Leunig's 'Common Prayer Collection' (1993) Published by Collins Dove. ((Not Collin's dove..a bird did not publish that book ;)))

It's nice to be aware of God.

I think I've been 'bouncing around' with different thoughts and different things having 'all' my attention..
And it's 'funny' how I'll try and put something else in the spot of something. 'Woohoo, 'quiet' moment; now I can...write letter to M.'

Well, I'm thinking 'not tonight'. I know how that letter's likely to make me feel, and I'm not sure I need to get on to it just at the moment. Has bothered me, but tonight...I'm just going to ((i) that word) REST. Relax. Enjoy some nice 'quietness'.

That reminds me of a scripture. Yes, I've got extra lines in here. It kind of maintains the 'space'/stillness thing even while I'm writing.

The scripture is something along the lines of;
In repentance and rest is your salvation
In quietness and trust is your strength.

I'll google it.

Rest and quietness covers both lines (i). The others are important, too. Repentance, and trust.

It's Isaiah 30:15. Gonna go have a look at Isaiah 30. It's hopefully not one where there's a lot of reprimand before the other stuff ;)
Dear Father,
I ask that You would help us* to 'cultivate' these things in our lives. *Everyone, Lord.

In Jesus' name. Thank You Lord.

Amen.

A little bit of silliness

2009-04-20T03:56:00.000-07:00

Just because I can. And because I love myself, too (sudden thought, haha :)). A bit of a distract might be okay sometimes.

SO..this song I was listening to on the radio on the way home. Just a 'nice' (think one of those ones from 'childhood' time..'easy' listening) feelgood kind of a tune. Like something about it.

deborah harry - i want that man

I wanna dance with Harry Dean, Drive through Texas in a black limousine
-omitted-
I wanna pair of big high heels,
Catch the lights up on the ferris wheel
But what I really want I just can't buy

Here comes the 21st century
It's gonna be much better for a girl like me
'Cause I want everything I can
But most of all I want that man,
I want that man

I wanna move like what's his name, I'll keep the money, you can ha-ave the fame
Everything that's yours will soon be mine
Yeah, I wanna be the queen of the USA, You can send me roses every other day
But what I really want I just can't buy

Here comes the 21st century
It's gonna be much better for a girl like me
'Cause I want everything I can
But most of all I want that man,
I want that man

I wanna be kissed from head to toe, By that man i-in the very back row
But he won't even look me in the eye
Ahh-ah, I want his love to rain right down on me
I want him to be king of all my dreams
But what I really want I just can't buy

Here comes the 21st century
It's gonna be much better for a girl like me
'Cause I want everything I can
But most of all I want that man,
I want that man..

There's a bit more to the end, but I cut it out, it was mainly just repetitive.
Source(s):
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/deborah-harry-i-want-that-man-lyrics.html

A little light-heartedness and 'postive'. Wouldn't want everything she wants ;) but I just like the freedom in saying whatever you want. ;)

My toes are getting cold!

Praise God for variety.. there's a book I picked up off my desk and it's a kind of prayer journal from this lady who made it into a book. There are some interesting/thought-starting things in there that is just a little bit different to reading some other stuff. The name and reflections of this lady are the same and similar to what I would imagine lady of the same name to be feeling about some things..but I just want to let that go tonight. Perhaps will just pick up another book in a moment.

What else have I got?

"I want to move like what's-his-name.." haha :)

:) The Message. Don't have to look at particular 'verses' in that one. Might have a read of something in there. I only have the NT part in hard-copy, but that's fine. Maybe I would prefer NT anyway in that type of writing, or even just with where I'm at at the moment...although to read about Elijah and other people would be nice too.
Maybe Timothy, tonight. Just thought of that. Maaybe.

Oh, good news :) I didn't go to the philosophy thing tonight. BUT, God gave me the wisdom to know what to say/how to explain myself in an sms, so things are on good terms and he doesn't have to feel like I just didn't want to go. Have invited him to 'catch me up' on what it was about/like when we talk next. So, that gives him opportunity to share whatever came out of it, and for me to consider and respond (no stress or defensiveness, thank You!).

Very nice :)

Timothy...maybe..that's if I actually open it up and decide I want to read what's there! Discipline, girl.

"I want his love to rain right down on me"..

Gotta remember that song, the fun parts, as alternative to anything less than positive tonight. .. I remembered the table cloth while driving home too.

That brings back a 'sensation' of having own place, moving out. I pictured tablecloth over table near doorway of unit for sale ;) Now I 'want' that well-lit, nice looking unit. But for just me...it might be pretty tough. And maybe not what You want. That's maybe in 'dispute'..the dream I had where the wind pushed me back and I just let myself go 'mum's way'..ended with me on my hands and knees in the sand, reading some kind of letter (Timothy? ;)..) and a wave I thought I was meant to avoid coming down over me. Didn't 'impact' - I woke up at that point I think. A bit of a bother possibly but You've got to show me what it means and what You want me to do. Can't be confused. Let You gently lead.

Psalm 13

2009-04-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

Psalm 13 - NKJV (biblegateway.com)
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and hear me, O LORD my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

I don't believe You have forgotten me..

Lucas Parry, songs 1&2 on album:

Ocean..

Something Beautiful - :)

And song 3..I'm kind of liking a lot of them at the moment ;) Connecting with 'bits'. :). :)

'How long, O Lord?'

2009-04-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

The same sin, again. I don't want sin in my life.
Thought I'd 'seen the end of it'. Such a long time without a hassle. And then it seems like 'all of a sudden' I'm trapped again.

How long until I see the end of it? How long.. It taints my view of myself, if I allow it to. Because I've allowed it, even though I 'know' I don't want it. I feel like I should bring it up with someone again before I can feel like I'm 'alright'. I feel 'shaky' just trusting that I've confessed it to You and things are alright now. It makes me feel really unsure of myself; stops me viewing myself like You 'probably' (from what happened..it's messed with my idea of Your view of me. How do You see me? :'() see me.

I need Your compassion, and Your help. And Your freedom. And an abundance of 'self-control'. Positive things.. It's such a tough and sensitive area for me. There is only one person I feel that I can 'fall upon' in this. And I'm scared to even do that, though I feel like it would be alright. But he has a lot happening.. I don't know where to go with it (what is the 'cause'?). I just want it gone. Not a problem.

Hungry...time for breakfast

2009-04-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

It was 8:28 again this morning :P

But I didn't get up til about half an hour later :) Had approximately 10 hours sleep. Feeling pretty good.

..I just realised :S that fatigue I'd been getting a lot..don't seem to have that at the moment. Don't want it back - wherever it's gone it can stay there!! I am glad :)

Chest pain is down again :) I think I can probably laugh pretty easily now ;)

Cooking dinner tonight. I think I need to 'ignore' direction of others (who's night is it to cook anyway? ;P) and choose the simple, rather than more complicated chicken option tonight. Get me the ones that already have the crumbs and all the stuff in them that I want. Tomato..cheese..YUM. Or the Cordon Bleu...I know I like that, but names..pretty sure that's the one with the ham and cheese? Then mashed potatoes, with gravy, and cabbage and carrot with a cheesy white sauce. Fruit salad..maybe yoghurt..if I'm meant to be covering dessert too.

I'll leave the more complicated (though I've not done the cabbage dish yet..so there's 1 'new' thing) dishes for when I've had more time and energy/motivation to carefully plan.

Sounds like a plan :)

Today...oh man...do I have to 'fold clothes'? I might do the bathroom and walk, or get someone to come out for a bike ride with me (we were stunk out last time over this way; someone had manured their property, and it was the one within the square we were cycling..so we encountered it not once, but again on the way back down. Must be settled by now...? We actually had some rain.

So..that pile can just 'look pretty' (haha).. Maybe I'll organise some of it so it's not such a big task tomorrow.

I love you.

It's here so the person concerned remembers it. And in big bold text.
I just remembered Hot Fuzz is on tonight. Could google it to find the right time.. The Guide read that it is like Bad Boys meets Midsommer Murders ;) It's a little bit strange...but it is VERY funny. "Yarp". It sure is. Just...when you see people milling about a church during the day for something....and something starts to fall....LOOK AWAY!

That's the only really gross thing I remembered from the movie.

It's 9:05pm. 'Bring popcorn'. haha.

April 16

2009-04-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

*wishing she had credit on her phone*

Gonna *hopefully* have an early night tonight. Hurt myself, stressing. I've had some pain in my chest - yesterday night in particular.

Hope Ryan's going okay with that stuff that was happening with him..

I keep yawning. It's 8:28pm again ;)
Today was interesting...I spent some time last night praying/declaring for peace for my heart..not sure if quite related (usually I tend to suspect someone else is praying for me...) but a fair bit of today, or I guess more than usual, I felt quite 'free' in God, and aware of Him being there/here.

Yesterday night there was something else, an impression on something. I like that, and I would like more of that.

Tom's invited me to a philosophy talk and a dinner thing for next Monday. 'Eee', and it's about ..you know..'Eastern' stuff.. :/ So I don't know if I go and put in an appearance and seek to win people over *:)*, or stay right away..

What would You do.. Go to seek and save, but how? I'll go with what You lead me to do. Initial thought is to..well I thought I could stop by..when would the talk begin.. Might leave it this time. I want to be able to be there, and to be friendly and kind and obviously taking an interest in and caring about people. And when they talk about weird and creepy stuff, if they talk about weird and creepy stuff, to be able to ask 'why this'..and to share my thoughts, like we're all equal and there's nothing 'dark' about them.
I don't want to put myself in a place where someone could say something, to me, about me, that is wrong. How deep into things are these people..would 'we' (You in me and ..the enemy in them..) see each other for what we are? And then how do you talk 'lightly' then? And if they're not...if they're 'seeing' who I am in You..and they're not responding positively, what are they really being shown and is it helpful for me to go.
Not sure. I don't like the idea of being out so late (6pm start, but it'll finish later) 'on my own'. I trust You particularly when it comes to powers of darkness, to keep me safe. But when it comes to men, and I'm going out to a pub type restaurant place..

It's getting later as I type. I need to go..!

'Poem'

2009-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

do
spaces

work too?

Behind these tears
There's a life I'm going to live
The one You have mapped out for me

Behind these tears
There is joy
There is the fulfilment of all my dreams

Behind these tears
There is life
Eternal, welling up from within by Your Spirit, Lord
Multitudes like stars shining
Grateful to be Yours
Knowing You
Walking in Your love

Behind these tears
There is love
So deep and full I am drawn in,
raised higher
Sweetened by You living in my heart,
Having all of my life

I walk anew

I feel sad and lonely too
But behind these tears,
I will see Your face
Lord, I want to see Your face,
hear Your voice, be always with You

I am Yours, always, always
Take hold of me.

Sairitalysta dvrealtimarna dealiva murumatpa alaneyanoro'
Tearast if alfor imiana golombar michal. Deniamar. Molamar (I want?). Miana (is coming?). Noram. Siviantol divarus olniaf. Galvay linei Wholoa vridi, vridi dea-lifia corahl. Gvidi. Morana.

Beshte (friend) wa mi ana kam = My friend is coming
http://www.sheng.co.ke/kamusi/default_lst.asp?word_id=2

Closer than I was to You.

Lord,

2009-04-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

Need to get off this computer.

Run to Me whenever you're lonely
Run to Me, when you need a shoulder..

(The Bee Gees - Run to Me)

I was reading from Lev. 25 this morning. I like what is in vs.35-38. Helping people who can't support themselves, with no cost to the person/people. No interest, no charge for food provided. 'Flies/flys..flies? in the face of' society's 'way' of charging people for things...how does that fit exactly. If they become poor..help them. I just like it.

Went for a 10k bikeride today. Then had work...taco dinner (brother G's treat :))

Got an easter egg at work. Thanks Frank!
Got some criticism tonight over being a Christian. Handled it okay I think. Didn't (hopefully not) get too defensive. Seemed a little 'out of left field', but was possibly a 'you're not perfect' dig for my choice not to "get drunk" with bro and bro-in-law. I guess at least they're thinking about things.. Bro-in-law wants me to ask, the next time I'm at church, where God came from.. I answered He's always existed. Might just ask at church, see what someone else might answer and if maybe they could share something that I could share with bro-in-law that will help him to 'get' it. I thought later.... oxygen exists... (has it always?). Could you liken God's existence to the 'ever present' (but it's not ever-present, is it..) presence of oxygen... unseen..different..but with no necessary 'origin' (Except that God created it! Argh!). God doesn't need to be created....
Bro G didn't get how we get so many people in the world from Adam and Eve, and later Noah's family. I'm not sure either; I just put it down to a 'creative miracle' on God's part, or figure that every nation of men did come through Adam (which makes sense/has to be if through Adam everyone is under a curse, yeah..?) but that God either did a work (the 'miracle' idea) or made it so that there would be no weakening of stuff along a 'family line'.. And/or possibly names were left out. Seth married who? I don't know...! I just figure God does. And I know that could sound ignorant or naive. But I have had an experience of God that led me to Jesus and 'Christianity', so when I come up to things I don't understand, I 'filter' it through a 'different lense'. I give God's word the benefit of the doubt. I can't not. If it doesn't make sense, if I've asked God to explain it and still don't 'find' an answer, I leave it 'with God'. "I don't get it, but God knows what it's all about". There are maybe 'more important' things that we need to know, that the bible can speak on with authority. Do we 'need' to know where all these people came from? Do we need to 'work out' how it could be possible? How did Jesus get enough fish and bread out of 5 or 7 loaves and fish to feed 5,000+ people? Do we really need to know the workings of it all or can we just thank God for the miracle. Thank God for who we are.. Thank God for who HE is. :)

Time to go. Sleep, or brush teeth..or something..did a lot of archiving stuff today, a lot of flicking through papers to find things - need a nice break.

Help me, make me stronger

2009-04-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

I think I offended someone yesterday. Or at least shut them out, from my end. It's not their fault.. There is a bit of a 'mess' 'about' me, not just that I have an untidy room. That's not what I was referring to at the time, but I can see it.

I feel like, 'the fact that you're a guy is what's working against you'. I was silly enough to read the story of Tamar..and saw how this guy, who loved her, even so much it made him unwell, had the capacity to really hurt her, and then hated and discarded her afterwards.

I didn't want to have any 'stuff' going on...it seems like there so often is. I just felt really down and sad and worried and scared about being taken advantage of. And it's not this guy, is it, they're just fears right? But I've been questioning why I trust anyone.. :( I can see that I push people away. That maybe isn't entirely true. (That's NOT true. That's just something to make me feel worse, worried, etc. Get thee behind me, Satan) I have a fair few girl friends. And there's my family, who I know I know I know. I don't want to be 'lonely and sad' all my life. But I feel like ..and hopefully this is all it is..I'm pushing myself to be ready for things when I need to give myself time/space/simply be nice to myself ('simply love'). I just hate that it hurts other people. I do pull away. I don't know how not to, except with You and knowing that I'm in a situation where I'm not too 'at risk', or at least where I know You want me.

I feel sad that I could even 'question' certain people. I don't want them to take it personally. I wanted to apologise for jumping ahead and offering something that I later just felt really uncomfortable about. But I didn't want to draw attention to 'another sore spot' with me. I don't want to be weak when I'm wanting to be strong for other people.

:) there's a nice/comforting song on..the lady who was on Neighbours..'Natalie? Bassingthwaite' 'Someday soon..'
All you need is just to believe it
You know you're my hero, you're gonna be a star..
It's just a heartbeat away

Decision

2009-04-04T18:51:00.000-07:00

I am 'going to work on' being happily single.

The last post was my 139th. That makes this one 140.

I have cleaned the toilet, made an omelette, 'Gordon Ramsay style'. :/ There's 11:55 again, had that last night too..it makes me think of Isaiah 55:11. Higher are Your ways...?

The omelette was very nice. Tomato and herb, salt and pepper, egg (of course). It wasn't 'great' on toast like a cheesy omelette. Next time I will use 3 eggs, or maybe 'whip up' something as a bit of a side dish. Invest in some hash browns or something.

My room is messy. I guess that is the 'next' thing (this is all fairly out of order, omelette came before the toilet cleaning :P). I think first today I might go into town, have a look for Kung Fu Panda (do I really want to buy and watch it? Maybe..) and pay off some of mum's ring for mother's day. Then I can come back and do the rest of cleaning, etc. at my 'leisure', without having to be concerned about being too tired in town. I'm not sure if I will make church tonight. I would like to. I would like to have been awake enough (or awake full stop, I woke up at 10am this morning after late night) to have gone to the OAL church...but I still don't know that I would have gone. I feel like I might have the strength to challenge anyone's anger towards me, if they were really angry with me. Might not do it very gently though...I hope I would. After yesterday (tablecloth.. ;)) I felt like, you know, God is the most important reason to meet together. If anyone has a problem they should take it up with Him. And I shouldn't have to get caught up in any petty 'pushy' stuff, if that were a potential issue. I know that when you get Christians you get 'people' too. But if they're not mature enough to set themselves aside for You, for Your work..why should I feel bad? It's not my problem. Am I strong enough to stand in face of angry leaders. Am I strong enough to believe, fix my eyes on You and not be worried. Keep going back and let You show the other person where they're being wrong. I could fill a 'support' role for the person..only is that my place? And it feels weird to be the one having to support a leader..or being expected to. I'd be happy enough to do that, I think, but would likely put my own stuff aside if I did..so I'd have to be prepared to be 'a friend' and not to have any great support on my end. Would that come in time? Is this lady really lonely and needing someone. Can I be a friend and support to her without her being bitter. Do I need to just share stuff, not wait for her to ask, and allow her to do the same? Am I really the right person for that?
What do I do?

Lots to think about.

Not sure if that's where You want me..at the OAL 'just yet'..

Line dancing

2009-04-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

Is something I would not do 'all the time', but I give it a 9 out of 10..! 8 or 9. It was fun, and good exercise, I didn't 'totally suck' and I won a prize! Woohoo! Raffle thingo. ..I half anticipated/hoped I would win something ;) I wanted something 'meaningful' to me. Had a 'lucky door prize' once that was a candle holder (light, hmm..) with the green and 'gold' colours Linda had seen in the vision of me being like the vase/trophy.
Tonight...I got a Gordon Ramsay cookbook (needed, I think ;) I could do with some help knowing some more/'new' nice things to cook and how to cook them), AND...it was like a 2-in-1 prize.....a 'glorious' pure white table cloth, with floral patterned stitching and sequins that reflect all the colours of the rainbow.

People have had visions of me where there've been those colours..and it means so much to me...I was looking for it to be from God (lots cast..God determines outcome, why can't He pick a suitable 'gift', too :)) and I was 'honoured' ((You are precious and honoured in my sight, and I love you - ..where is that...Isaiah?..49..?)) that it was such a pure white piece. It is beautiful and 'delicate' and there are flowers.. I'd been hoping and waiting and making myself think more about the other people (they maybe could do to win a prize as much as or more than myself) and then to have received this..It really is gorgeous. If You see me like that, I am very pleased. It's not anything that I have done. I just have felt sometimes that it is things I do (or 'fail' to do) that 'taint' me and make me less than what You see here. And I thank You.

This is beautiful:
Isaiah 1:18 (KJV)
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

It was fun dancing. There was a song, Peaches and Cream that finished 'our' night (us girls decided to go a little early) on a 'high note' - it was easy to follow the steps to it, so a lot more fun.

I'll be thinking about the white table cloth for a while I think...or about You really, and how You see me...never mind the table cloth so much, but I have kept it as a reminder. I hope it serves in that way :)
I love that it's like, yes, Isaiah 1:18, but there are also the beautiful colours reflected (the colours of Your love? Kindness, patience, etc.? Fruit of the Holy Spirit? Your character/'true colours'? :) Haha...I loved that song early on in my walk...by Cyndi Lauper - True Colours. A good one to google. I love thinking about that. And the "hang on" song You brought to mind earlier today (by 'The Little River Band').
And the flowers too...'fruit'? :)
It's gorgeous. I can see all these different colours just looking at it. It's 'fine'. Yo- "Marvellous are Your works; that my soul knows full well" (Psalm 139?...thought of THAT Psalm earlier too! 'You surround me behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me..'). :)

Thank You for answering me. And for all of 'this'..

I watched some of Titanic this afternoon, and was 'upset' at a couple of points; one where she's 'flying' and it's so easy. She closes her eyes, her dear one says, "Do you trust me?" and does the 'leg work' of getting her up there. "Open your eyes", and she's flying, in a sense.
Another part ..well the first part seems promising so there's no great upset. That's just how I guess I'm 'counting' on God to be with me.
Another part is where Jack confronts Rose and tells her that if she doesn't break free (of her engagement, of life with her mother and allowing herself to be 'stifled'), "that fire, Rose, that fire that I love about you, it's going to go out".

I want to be in a place where that doesn't happen. I want to be strong. I believe You can make me strong. I'm not feeling 100% sure I know what You want me to do about living at home or moving into my own place...I'm feeling it could be best to wait. But I don't mind if You are with me. I can wait, and I can be content and 'not in so much hurry' (Little River Band); just allow You to prepare me and get me ready, however You want to do that. And You can do that.

Another song, in the car with girls, was about 'Just believe'-ing..it was such a good song.

Interesting 'coincidence' today - went looking for a shirt with Sarah, just was uncomfortable in a certain top; had not received RFL shirt due to a mix up. So went to buy a new one I could be comfortable in. And you know what it said on the ONLY one that seemed 'right'?
"BOOT SCOOTIN' BABY"

hahaha :)

How appropriate considering I was going line dancing later in the day! So I wore that tonight too :) And I now have a shirt I am very comfortable in. Probably can't wear it to work..that's okay ;)
..ahh tablecloth..

Won't You please, please present some of this type of wonderful blessing ('in disguise'..? Why did I just think that? :S Why would it need to be disguised?) to Ryan, too. ..I love the spontaneous prayers :) Please be quick to hear us when we call to You.

That verse again ;) Only let us help others too; just as 'deserving'

2009-04-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

John 10:28,29: "Neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my
Father's hand."

The second analogy that God uses is that expressed in the last part of
verse 16: "Thy walls are continually before me." The term walls is used here as
a memorial that continually reminds God of His Zion. Although the forces of
unbelief, indifference, and ignorance attempt to overthrow the church, yet God
is with her, for she is ever before His eyes. God wants to see His Zion
continually as a memorial of His grace and glory. In Zion He sees the love of
His only Begotten Son. In Zion He sees His praise and glory, and His handiwork.
In you, God sees His glory and grace. You are an abiding memorial to the grace
and glory of God. God has set His angels around us to preserve and keep us as
His memorial.
What a glorious confession God has given to you and me! A
confession that we can truly rejoice and be glad in! This is the greatest
confession and most comforting confession that a person can make. Can you make
it your own? This is the only confession that can give us true comfort and
consolation as we live our life here below. It is not much comfort to merely
know that the present night of darkness will pass. It may give us some temporary
relief, but no ease from the present struggles we face. But, what a comfort to
know that the faithful covenant Jehovah holds us in the hollow of His hands, and
that He beholds us as precious in His sight!

An exerpt out of http://www.prca.org/sermons/isaiah49.14-16.html. I haven't read it all, and do not 'necessarily' agree with the whole lot..exercise your own caution.

Posting

2009-03-31T02:48:00.000-07:00

Now you're wondering what I've typed!! :P Just working some stuff out in my own mind. No 'biggie'

To me it wasn't 'something from nothing'.. but I can see how lonely I am, and the fact that there's been connection over the internet and telephone still leaves me feeling like there's something missing.

I haven't meant to hurt Ryan. I'm feeling awkward over how things might be taken. 'Stupid sms' ;) no verbal cues, no nothing. It could be 'perfectly fine' and I wouldn't know.

To me there wasn't 'nothing'. I feel like there was enough for us both to get confused, to begin to dream of more. We are close; at least I mostly feel that. He is my best friend. He and Clare top the list.

I don't want Ryan feeling like there was 'nothing' - thinking like no-one sees/there isn't any worth in him. Lonely or no, I don't 'willy nilly' get involved with guys. I hope that's not to say he's hurt. I just felt like..and still do feel like..we don't know each other well enough 'all round'. There's distance that can't really be helped. Things like..like the fact I never considered him in person as more than like a brother and a good friend. I haven't looked at him and found out if I can look at him differently. Does that make sense? I still feel 'older' (I am, technically) even though he is so mature about things. I got warning in a dream. Silly me just felt like maybe, even if things didn't work out, maybe that would be better than 'not to love at all'. And if the movie, which seemed to stir up so much for me, was timely, well then 'I'd better find out if there could be something there'. Still others encouraged testing it out...catching up in person and seeing how things went there; if there was 'chemistry', etc.

I'm wondering if there isn't still something there on Ryan's end - if he wasn't saying, 'it's not worth trying to create something'...yes, it isn't worth trying to do that. But can you say that and can there still be stuff you're grappling with? Yes.. So I'm mindful of that. What are his boundaries? And is it as simple as saying "friends"*. If things did change, I don't expect they would just suddenly click over and then it's time to discuss something again. Am I choking stuff in saying what I have..but what could I do about that. I'm likely too cautious to be any different...I'm thinking I won't even post this online in case he sees it and it pulls him the wrong way.

*If two people are watchful to just be friends, there would never be any 'in-between' stuff to draw them any closer, would there? But I believe (and would like to trust a lot more) that You can make sure two people get together and without having to go through a long drawn out process of getting to know each other. That is 'inevitable', but not initially. People can know they're right for each other and then sit down together and talk things over and learn more about each other. I ask for that, Lord. The other method (seeking, doing your homework, looking for 'chemistry', trying to figure things out) is long, drawn out and not 'fail-safe' in my eyes. It's better that the King of the whole universe map out a 'course' for me. If I can receive 'intell' on who NOT to marry, surely when the right guy comes along I won't have to do all this guess work.

Right?
Right.

So that's it; friends. It would have to take a lot of attraction and 'coincidences' and 'signs' for me to be considering otherwise. To be hurting someone so badly.. And people would argue it's not hurting anyone to go on dates and find stuff out but I disagree in this instance. I think.

I'm glad for the grasshopper sms ;) No big awkward silence after a more serious message.

'You took my love for granted'...? :/ Grr at Madonna song ;)...:(

2009-03-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was good again. And kind of like the dream from this morning...I've judged it 'good' by the way it ended, more than by the day as a whole..

I 'ignored' Peter a little, I think. Coz I don't want to give more attention to a man who is attractive and kind and 'taken', than others around me. Maybe that's a silly thing. I think I'd just like to be comfortable to talk to him about stuff. There were moments during the day, which was nice, but I did move on quickly. 'Don't keep me there too long' :S

There were really good points to the day. I was able to be friendly and, although a little 'shallow', got to have a bit of a chat with Pete at the end of the day about plans for the weekend. That was nice. And SUE! We locked up together...I'd heard her saying once that she didn't trust 'so and so'...and I thought she might have meant me. $20 went missing from the cabinet one morning....I'm suspicious of a 'smooth' guy who was around at the time but felt like doubt was cast on me. I don't like being responsible for money. Or people leaving the cabinet unlocked when not in reception (I do that too sometimes when it's busy...if someone needs photocopying and it's a 'quick' thing..) and then expecting money to be safe there.
But yesterday, we looked at each other at one point (Sue old enough to be a kind of 'mother hen' type character ;)) and she just looked at me in such a lovely way. I really like her. Asked her if she had much on this weekend. A quiet one.
:)

So I went from feeling rather despondent - oh yeah..haven't shared that yet - to feeling like, "I love this job" ;)

A guy came in during the afternoon for the computer session. I think he might be a Christian...lovely older fellow who comes together with another guy. ..I got the impression at one point that he could see more about me than most people would know. And I felt sad...and I missed David, who was like that. David is a 50-something year old Christian man who left and moved to Qld. I didn't share a lot with him about stuff that was happening with me...but I know he cared about me. He was willing to pray with me about things and he is prophetic..God spoke a lot of wonderful things to me through him.
I missed that. I missed him. And I missed someone 'knowing' what was happening. I felt grieved, sad.. I would have loved a Godly encounter where someone could have 'known' and ministered to me and brought a word for me that was spot on, while I was aware they cared. I guess he was kind of 'mature' enough - he didn't expect me to be on his level, and I guess (know..) he saw things in me that reminded him of how he was when he was younger :) He never 'hurt' me. I need to remember things that he said. It's okay he's not here.

There are ladies I know who I've felt hurt by..they might have useful or helpful things to share with me, but it gets tainted by my feeling a little 'walked over'. One lady has been not-so-gentle. There was ministry but not 'friendship'..
Another lady has been hurt by people...for a while I did take a lot without giving much..pretty much what 'babies' do. She'd had some hard things happen and was maybe 'not ready' for me. She would give me some time and support but it became rare. She didn't seem keen to catch up. She did 'recently' say she enjoyed having me over, but I felt a bit like I was a task for her. She hasn't been in touch. I don't know what she's thinking. I feel okay now but thought she was probably angry with me / with the choice that I made.
I do want to send a letter to her. I don't want to face her if she's going to be detached and cold. Can You help her with that?

Gentleness, please.

Another lady (I know...don't let me be whinging...I just want to get this down on webpaper) did make some attempts to talk with me...I just wasn't comfortable at times to share things. When it came to leaving, when I did, she came over and pulled up a chair in front of me, but sat with one leg on either side of me and I felt like that wasn't very gentle. It was like, "okay, here I am, what can I help with". But I don't have that relationship with her..need your gentleness. Where is it. Told her about what was happening. She came in with the authority that I guess is hers as a leader in God, but I didn't feel like how I was feeling was taken seriously. And I feel like she skirted over offense taken by my mum to do with her. If God showed her that as a possible reason for why this was happening now, she pushed it aside. Asked 'how openly can I speak?' and then shared that my parents are being 'driven'. And..fair enough..that was true. But there was also the fact I didn't feel supported. There is no follow-up with me through that church. There are one or two people within the church who have reached out to me, or one in particular..but I've been taught that the leaders are meant to be the ones to bring counsel, and stuff, so I've been wary of getting that from other people in the church. But the feeling that I'm not close to the pastors in any big way (the male Pastor actually reminds me a lot of Mr. N. I know he cares a lot and we get along well, but it's more like a father daughter relationship and without as much intimacy on stuff that's happening with me. Granted I ask him little about his own life...I've found I don't know what to ask. :() means I'm reluctant to approach them, and so I feel like my needs aren't being met, and I'm just 'out on my own'...there's maybe a word during a Sunday service that ministers to me, but for the rest I seem to feel disconnected, and upset with myself that I don't feel comfortable to worship 'freely' (because not comfortable with the people?), upset that I'm not closer to anyone there, but then particularly wanting to be closer to someone who I can see has a desire to be close to God, who is mature, strong, quick to pray and seek God, who I know hears from God. Where God is first, even above self. Where we 'gel' and don't offend each other.

"I'm Your lady..
..You reach for me
..how I'm feeling, 'lying in Your arms' (when feeling like I 'can't go on'..things are really hard...)
when the world outside's too much to bear,
that all ends when I'm with You
Even though there may be times it seems I'm far away
..I am always by Your side"
(Celine Dion....The Power of Love?)
'Sometimes I am frightened...' ..I feel like it's to me to continue in a not-ideal situation, because You are more than able to get through to leaders.. At the same time though, Sunday two weeks ago now(?) I felt like God was saying to stay at the other church (for now? Or longer-term?). I'd like to go back to the other one, for You.. But I'm concerned if I do it might be just as hard. I feel like I'm too gentle (and too ashamed at the idea of addressing leadership on things where I feel I would like more support than I'm getting) to address these thoughts with the pastors...and I would never want to ask anything more of them anyway; I'd like them to want to help me and to want to be close to me. It bothers me a little that they haven't called me or asked how I am. :( Are they so used to people just leaving? Have they written me off as disobedient or something? :( Can't You speak to them if they should get in touch with me?

"Whatever it takes I'll sacrifice". I just need You to show me what is right, what I am to do. Where You want me. I hope that support will come from M, once I finally get a letter to her, and that this will settle things and help me to know the right decision. If she was to respond with "HUGE mistake." and anything kind of 'blaming' or 'offended', I would find that really hard, and it would push me to staying where I am. I want to be able to handle offended people, but offended leadership...and people older than me..I don't want to feel I have to take on the parenting role. And then I would still be looking 'elsewhere' for support. I guess it's alright if that's okay with You. Tried that once with another church - started attending on a Saturday..very loving and kind and helpful people, but then a vision came from one of the pastors at other church about planting my roots down there, in that fellowship or in the one fellowship..

Am I going to be 'running back' to that church I should probably be a part of? But not without a letter to M first..and if I still find myself feeling aloof from everyone, would I only be there 'on and off'? One week and not the next? Do I just put up with whatever, trusting You to take care of everything? Stay through everything, help out, not get bothered at distance with people, not expect that I need anyone but You anyway to make things right in my life..? Be okay with how comfortable or uncomfortable I'm feeling on any given day in worship? Be comfortable feeling like people don't want to be close..? Have shallow relationships and have them feel like I just don't trust as much as I should, not that they could help me too..? Or push myself to just be comfortable and to share more and see how that goes? Consider that maybe some/more of it needs to come from me?

*sigh*

For now, I will 'stay here'..with 'new' church. Send, send, SEND letter to Marjorie...try to apologise...don't ask for help, simply invite her to write back and if she wants to, to share her thoughts...? And try not to offend her with the assumption that she might not want to help..! Arg..

What do you do with people that you might not choose to be your friends? Or you could have that with, but then it gets complicated with 'position'? So there is more than one role. I don't feel hugely connected to you but you are the one God seems to have chosen to support me as a kind of mentor...or at least you've been wonderful enough to nominate yourself..but I'm terribly 'alone' sometimes; I can't have a shallow kind of 'let's study' relationship or 'let's talk about stuff that's not very deep'. That could be fine if I had someone else, someone to 'come home to' whose love I was assured of and who I could be closer with. I have friends...having a sleep over and movie night tonight, but they're fairly shallow friendships because these girls don't know God yet. So I come away from there and I still need to 'recharge', or be strengthened, or find some 'space', even away from family members.
And I have a small dilemma about tonight as well - Sarah (different to prev. Sarah. 'local' Sarah) was telling me over the phone that another Sarah is bringing a 'shared copy' (does that mean ripped off the internet, kind of stolen?) of a DVD for us to watch. Do I go along and watch it? Should I go out and buy the DVD later on, even though I don't think I will enjoy 'the curious case of Benjamin Button'. What message does it send if I allow a pirated copy..and say nothing..is it pirated? Can and should I 'walk out' if it is? Should I say, 'it's me or the DVD?' Or 'can we watch something else this time and you guys make another date and watch that together if that's okay with you?' ..there is a servo with a movie section just a short walk away from the house we will be at, so that could be an option. I might do that. I think I'm okay with stuff that has been purchased off the internet...but less certain if I feel like it's been gained without permission and is therefore 'theft'. Just because you're not walking into a store to pull it off the shelf..does it make it any less stealing? That's what I'm wondering. And at the same time, I'm feeling like it's a 'small' thing. My relationship with these girls is more important than wondering where a DVD comes from. But I still feel like...now that I 'know' it is pirated (if it is..what does 'shared' mean...Sarah made it sound so okay), shouldn't I refuse to have any part in it? In any illegal activity. I know I've sped in my car at times...even often, to get to work on time. And I've justified that once I've been 'late', with the idea that it's better to speed than to get to work late and annoy and upset co-workers. But really shouldn't I just be leaving the house earlier? Get up earlier, etc...?
I do believe I shouldn't speed, or participate in stealing of movies or music. I'm confessing those things here, I have allowed both...have sped and have watched episodes of a TV series with Jennifer...I didn't know they were dodgy for a while, but once I learned I should have not watched that one more episode. Should have avoided right away.

If I can truly avoid speeding...if there was a life or death matter...well, I'm still not sure on that, but I guess there are instances where it makes sense. eg. you go to overtake someone and they speed up, and another car is coming the other way...speed up and then slow back down again once safe? Leave earlier so you're not bothered by the person in front going a little slower? I'd still be likely to overtake if they were doing less than 10 below the limit, but I think that's alright so long as it's safe....and probably wouldn't need to speed then to overtake, hey..

I know these are matters where people don't always agree. I just want to be able to know and respect my own views on these things. I don't want to allow something I'm not okay with, and then grapple with it later. I don't want to break the law or steal. Even if it's to distribute CDs to worship starved Christians in isolated areas...I would want companies or individual artists to donate. Or I would want to donate of my purchased belongings.

I've gtg.. :(

"So let's take what we've found, and wrap it around us..." Continue in what I'm sure of..!

Confusing dream, not sure what to do with it

2009-03-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

I had a strange, twisted and in the end horrible dream. I call it horrible for the way it ended...there were bits that were good. I'm just not sure 'how to make sense of it'.

I've got to think back now, but it kind of began with a dinner party. Or earlier, with me meeting/seeing Clare with her partner, and us discussing a walk. It was some kind of a different place and there were walking trails you could take. He had to walk down a path to get to this other path that went up back towards the same area, but the board-walk type path was inaccessible from that top end, hence the trip down.

But they'd come from the other direction (like, West, vs. North...but I guess it was in reference to a previous walk he'd gone on...I think that was right). Ah well ;)

Met up with some people at a table. Rachel was there and we got talking a bit and she mu...oh...it was sort of like the sleepover we're having tonight..but I don't expect to see Rachel. But was it 'Rachel' (Lord? :/). This guy had pulled up and was coming in. He was parking his car and organising things out there..had dark hair and I was wondering what he looked like exactly. Lauren and the other girls were talking about whether he was cute or not, or they were getting 'all giggly' or something.

I needed to clean something or change something before he came in, so I got up to go into another room. I think the girls were maybe asking me what I thought, like 'hey, you're single'. I pulled away from the table, leaned close to Rachel and said, "I want the one for me/I want my guy". We both had a kind of agreement between us I think.

Later, big banquet thing, first in the kitchen of a kind of restaurant place where Kelly was chef and on the phone organising an order of something they needed to have shipped in to 'Macquarie' or somewhere. There were young boys at the counter listening to the conversation and discussing where Macquarie was - it was a port not far away. There were grapes.. Kelly was drumming on the counter in a stressed way as she was on the phone with these people who had her order in their hands..and time was short.

I approached her when she was cooking something. She had substituted jelly for jam, and I said that should be fine. It was jelly she had needed. :s

At a banquet kind of table/preparing to sit down.. there was a guy (was this all just from my brain? ;)) I'd been thinking about yesterday. A 30-40-50 year old (probably 40s..!). He applied for a job with our organisation and I had to send out an unsuccessful letter to him. Had met him previously whilst looking for a place to buy. His photo yesterday...I looked at him and 'had compassion'. Don't know exactly what could be going on with him but I got this impression that he was maybe kind of depressed. I considered I would maybe hire him if it had been up to me, to try and get him in a place where he could have some positive influence. I guess there is a reason he didn't get the job, though.

Banquet. Saw Peter, didn't know if I wanted to sit next to him while I ate, the only other option though was to sit next to the other guy (above), whom I didn't know very well. There were still a few seats free so I hung back and waited for the decision to be made for me. In the end it had to be next to Peter, but there were 2 seats and a young boy came up and sat in the one directly next to him.

Food time came and the room was now outdoors, with a lot more people. It was potential 'chaos' at the serving tables as young school(?) boys came over to help themselves to the food, in whatever order they thought best. I went for the bread and butter...thinking you can butter it easier and with no potential hazard if you haven't got a full plate in your hands.

There was a boy over the serving table from me and everyone started singing to him. It was like 'happy birthday', and then we cheered for him, and as we cheered he raised his arms like "yeah, come on!" but 'suddenly' to me it was like our cheers were 'blessing' him. I started clapping with more enthusiasm, mindful of God and that He was doing something there.

There was a song playing..
I thought of my brother, how he had been like that, confident 'little' guy, outgoing, 'bubbly'/'jovial'?,. He's maybe not too much different now but I was reminded of him and moved about it.

And did get 'moved'. It ended up that the table was far away from the crowd now and there was another girl there who had been 'moved', too..! And we got talking; I mentioned my brother had been like that...I thought he had been abused. I've been abused. I think he has been too.
Not sure quite what the situation was with this girl, but she may have had her own stuff happening.

Ended up walking, talking and then driving with this girl, and that's where it got creepy. We were driving along (NW direction away from the gathering) and talking and on the radio comes the 'end' to that song from before. (Is it a different song..? Or the same and I forgot the beginning matching the real version of that song.. ?)

The chorus was,
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down

For me it was like, I would keep 'fighting' for our loved ones. I guess that's intercession.. And I'm there wanting to encourage this girl. I had reached over and was rubbing her arm to comfort/encourage her about her stuff, and then suddenly she started 'fitting' and this was where it got creepy. I thought, 'it's not because I touched her was it?'* She started shaking in her seat and I looked across and studied to try and gauge whether it was the enemy...her eyes looked darker and she was quiet and I didn't know exactly what was going on. I thought, is this the enemy? I wondered if it was somehow like Satan was 'pulling out all the stops' to get to me. Started praying and 'woke up', and prayed more, had that heaviness again. But I'm unsure about that. There have been times it's definitely been an attack. Once it lasted a long time, another time Rachel..and I were out at a market together and both felt it. This time I wondered though if it was me still waking myself up. I tried to move my arm and pinch myself to see if that might 'wake me up'. It's probably a dodgy remembering but I think I've heard before about people sleeping and their 'spirit' is sort of floating up above them. Is that what the feeling was about? Is it like I was 'floating up' with the spiritual stuff in this dream and then in trying to wake up sort of 'coming back down to earth'? That is so weird. I don't know about that. It just seemed like it was less an attack and more me just trying to wake up. But I don't know.. Is it like I was 'awake' but asleep and my body had to catch up? Don't get it.

*Had an experience once at a church where this girl got emotional about something and sort of asked me for support. I sat next to her and put my arm on her and prayed for her, and after a little bit of this she started saying, "I feel really hot and/or not feeling well". I walked out with her to the cafe area and we sat but she was like, "I think I'm going to faint"..and she nearly did. ..sat with her for a while. In my 'mind' I saw a star, the witchcraft type. I wanted to inquire if she was into that..wondered if that might have been the 'cause' of what happened.
I still have not asked her.
I don't know if that applies with the dream I just wrote about, the girl in that dream. It bothered me as I was sitting there next to her; I thought for a sec, it's not because I touched her is it? (thinking 'is there something wrong about me that's come through to her, should I not have touched her' - that's a fear I've got..don't want to pass anything on that I shouldn't.....I've heard teaching about not being quick to lay on hands. One lady at church was on the floor once after some ministry and she felt a heaviness on her stomach - opened her eyes and there was a lady with her hand over that area, praying for her.)
What negative anything is there in me? There's not, it's just a concern I've had. I don't want to pass anything bad on to anyone. As I write that though I don't feel like there is anything, but still I feel a bit bothered.

'Just like a prayer..'

2009-03-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

I can borrow up to $155,000. I can borrow only 95% of a property's purchase price, so I guess that means I could realistically afford something of greater value, and borrow the maximum..or go for something less expensive (not likely...I can buy a 3br house in some areas with that money but have been urged not to), or *flashing game show lights; winner!* take that info. on board and continue to save, aiming for at least a $190,000-200,000 house as a first home. And I can continue to save from that point if I find I still want something 'else'.

I noticed this in Isaiah 54 when I was building myself up to making a phone call yesterday ;) - in v.4 (CEB version), Don't be afraid or ashamed and don't be discouraged. You won't be disappointed. ...

A somewhat older guy from work came and shared some lunch time with me today. That was nice. He's a kind and friendly person and we get along ok. It seemed like I couldn't do anything between small talk or deeper talk though. He asked 'what else is happening in the life of Jessica?', as friendly people might do, and I thought about stuff from last night and avoided answering that question and kind of said, 'oh...stuff..'. Then put the focus back on him and asked him what was happening with him, had he seen any good TV shows lately... I had an awkward moment at work one time with him where I'd just had a 'shaky' experience, having someone come in when I was on my own, who commented that I was on my own at the office that is fairly isolated in its position and me being quick to feel traumatised back then, wanted to explain to Peter later on when it was just us (and I know his character and that he is decent) there why I was being so 'cold' and quiet...that it wasn't that I was unfriendly, I was just a little shaken up. I'd like to be able to 'connect' and feel like I have a good friend there. Noticed today I wasn't comfortable to share certain things - feel as though I'm a little slow to trust people. Or is that not true.. I do seem to 'forget' that people care about me - if they seem a little cold or distant one day towards me I feel a bit low and like they don't really consider me a close friend. But some of that is in me being distant, feeling like I can't share a fair few things without being thought of as strange, by Peter and perhaps others.

Frank was really nice with me today. I am planning to do Relay for Life, which he sought me to get involved with, and I think he is pleased ;) I think he is finally starting to warm up to me a bit. I think it can be about my being a Christian at times. Frank went from somewhat 'religious' to 'Humanist', and seems to have a bit of a beef (not the type you eat) with people who seem to be 'Christians' and yet don't seem to 'do' much with that. I think that put him in a spot to wonder if I was going to be 'just another...' of what he's experienced in people.

Peter knows I'm 'religious'. I didn't quite give my answer to that. Maybe he has a view of 'religious' people that makes him a bit uncomfortable too. And then I've responded to peoples' apparent uncomfortableness and maybe shared less.. I hope for some opportunities there. I seem to be so watchful at work, like I think someone is maybe not going to like me (and I care why? Where is my confidence in myself or in God?) or that I'm going to do something they're not going to be happy with and it could reflect badly on me as a 'so called' Christian/follower of Jesus and 'how well am I following Him if everyone hates me, or if they don't trust me?' I'd like people to trust me. I'd like people to know me better and I'd like to feel comfortable and I would like them to see You in me, above all. I am hoping You will make it easy, help me to 'talk'. Help me to think less about how I might be perceived and perhaps more and more just 'be who I am', real and not feeling like I have to be perfect, but to be encouraged too..to be helped in the process of sharing things about myself that people may find 'new' or different. I would love to stand in Your presence more at work, be calmed by that and operate in love out of that 'standpoint'. Will You anchor me there tomorrow?
In Jesus' name. Amen.

haha - '..I'll take you there' - I was thinking, the above is 'like' a prayer, but I haven't quite worded it like one. But I still felt to keep the closing part there and to treat it like a prayer. And I think You will 'anchor me there' tomorrow. ;) :) 'It's like a dream to me...' (song by Madonna). It would be like a dream...

There's a Psalm that mentions something like this. Ps. 126,

Psalm 126 (New International Version)
Psalm 126
A song of ascents. 1
When the LORD brought back the captives to [a] Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. [b]
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, [c] O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Footnotes:
Psalm 126:1 Or LORD restored the fortunes of
Psalm 126:1 Or men restored to health
Psalm 126:4 Or Bring back our captives

I like the idea of those 'warm fuzzy' things. We did one during this short course I was part of. It would be nice to do it at work too. Where people tell you the positive stuff they see about you :) Maybe I should talk to D or P ;) See if they'd find it useful. Or I can just reflect on the ones I have (there was another years back from a church small group, the first church I formally belonged to) and think more on how You see me and start to get my head around the fact of that being who I am...how You see me and how others see me. The positives.. Let it 'sink in' and become real.

I have gotten in the habit of posting here. Can I get in the habit too of thinking well about myself? Not allowing negative stuff...moving a little more 'fluidly' in God. Accepting myself and being comfortable with who I am..
I don't want to give people an opportunity to think badly about God. But I want my motivation to be love and not fear of messing with other people. Maybe I can journal more and work out what is 'appropriate' to share in a work environment. 'and'?/or maybe I can not worry myself on that. Build myself up in You...let it come out in my life...ask for opportunities where it will be 'easy' or I will have the boldness and the what-it-takes to just say stuff anyway, take a stand, but take it 'casually' nearly - like not hanging about to wait for a 'reaction' or to watch and wonder....just 'let it go', commit it to God..

Okay, it's late - fairly late. 20 minutes and at 7am I will have had the opportunity to rest for 8 hours. So I should go..but oh how I do not want to forget stuff I've thought about here! 'Would that I' could just plug something into my heart that would fill it up with all of that; will all good and pleasant and positive and helpful things.
I have You. Please give me that miracle. Transform me. Get things 'right' in my mind, my body, my life. Let me be an example and a shining beacon/light. Don't let me be 'hyper-alert', considering how 'lost' people are. Let them just be drawn to me like Your word says in Isaiah 60.
Thank You that I can relax a little.

I know that these are prayers...and prayers are mainly meant to be 'in secret'. But I'm not sure where else to 'put' these. Here maybe 1 or 2 will read them, maybe that's okay. Better than my family reading them. I could just put these things to You..verbal..I would like to keep a record I think. There was a word once about these things kind of being helpful to others, too, so in that sense I think it is okay. 'Stuff it' if I don't get a bigger 'reward' ;)

If this is encouraging me to pray, it's better than not doing it. And I can go on and pray 'in secret' any other time. These don't have to be my only prayers to You.

So. Hmm.

hehehe.

8 minutes! and 8 hours...well, that's if I set my alarm for 10 minutes faster, it is a little slow. Wake up at '7:10am'?

I like that I got 15 years on the 'how old are you really' quiz. I didn't get what the cardiac thing was all about, so maybe didn't answer that right, and maybe I exaggerated how many friends I have ..or maybe not if I invest more into them... Well, I think it's worth focusing on positive stuff. I'm happy to think of myself as fitter and healthier than a typical 24 year old. Just an 'I'm healthy' mentality might serve to encourage me a fair bit.

It's kind of like the talking thing. Didn't necessarily have 'nothing' to say; can just tell myself I'm doing fine sharing what I'm comfortable to. And I can relax about the stuff that is from or about You or to do with my deeper life or 'spiritual walk' (edit; my walk with You - spiritual walk seems too general and takes focus off you with me, I think). If someone's not going to 'get' that or is going to respond badly (I know to be wise and sensible and not to throw pearls before pigs - although I would like to see that more with me. I wouldn't have thought myself to be a 'blabber' but I seem to have done that a bit in the past, particularly with family; I guess shifting towards the closeness we had before things changed with me, but having those differences that mean tension is caused upon sharing. Speaking just as freely but now with new stuff to say) it is not a problem with me - or not necessarily. hopefully not - but rather that they are the 'odd ones out'. God is normal. God's way is normal and right, and how things should be. "All other ground is sinking sand". So, with enough 'backing' in my life, my mind, my spirit?.. ( Probably my spirit. My previous attempt at the right phrase was going to be 'my courage compartment') ..I will be able to be content and not get bothered with how people appear to react to something. Try to be like I might be if I was telling someone 5+5=10 and they're looking at me funny and adamant that "Nooo..5+5=18, and I'm older and smarter than you anyway, didn't you know? ;)" (But God can make 'the last first'). I can calmly - if they'll listen - explain the reasoning (and the sense) behind my view (as it lines up with God's full/right/true view!), and/or 'let it go', and just have the conviction and the confidence and the PEACE that I am right. So I don't feel embarrassed in a room full of people telling me 5+5=18, or whatever other 'conclusions' they've got. If I think about how to calmly and respectfully and uncompromisingly 'disagree' on that lesser example of basic mathematics (much less emotionally charged than 'religion'), I can hopefully gain some insights on how to address things gently with people when it comes to 'spiritual' matters (there's that word again); or matters of truth or about God. I wouldn't go away feeling 'put down' or 'outcasted' or whatever it is I feel (might think about my 'response' another time when I am more awake or actually in that situation) because I would be convinced and able to explain and it would be ridiculous to get 'personally' emotional about it; wouldn't affect my test scores ;) I might want to help others...but you can only do so much based on how open people are and how willing they are to learn. 'Spiritually' (hey, that could fit this time ;)), it is up to God, not me...to do the 'drawing'. To draw people. v.3 of Isaiah 60, Nations and kings will come to the light of your dawning day. It's the light/Light that they can recognise and trust, and that's the right basis for trusting anyone. They don't have to come to 'me'. They can approach me, knowing God is with me and wanting that in their own lives, but I don't have to expect that me, me, me is going to be the thing to lead them to You. I can be obedient and stuff, and it is You and I in this together, but...but...what am I looking to say here. I might come across the right statement for there later.

Time to go. 7hrs 37 minutes 'and counting' (not really, I'm planning to go to sleep and not be thinking about hours remaining :P).
Goodnight, world (the part that's not bathed in sunlight right now. And I am ONLY speaking 'naturally'! The earth and its people covered with darkness can start getting up and coming to God and His light*).

*thinking what that 'light' IS, exactly..that's something for me to wonder or think on or 'look up' another time, methinks. Is GOD light? What is the light? Is it 'just' metaphoric in a sense..but spiritually seen as well, as showing things for what they are, etc. ...laaaaater..!

:)

A shield for us, including families? ;) :)

2009-03-25T01:12:00.000-07:00

You are a shield to all who come to You for safety. I just read something along that line twice in different places.

I was looking for Isaiah 54..
In part of it,
'Weapons made to attack you won't be successful; words spoken against you won't hurt at all. ...'

If I'm coming to You for safety for others, I believe the same can apply.

That's the NIV..oh no, the CEB.

I really like what is above that too -

v.11
Jerusalem, you are sad and discouraged, tossed around in a storm. But I, the Lord, will rebuild your city with precious stones; (...it goes on, but I just like the promise that we will be rebuilt. 'It doesn't end here!' But hopefully all the trouble does.)

v.5
The LORD All-Powerful, the Holy God of Israel, rules all the earth.
He is your Creator and husband, and he will rescue you.

There are vs. 9 and 10 too..

Why don't I just put in all of Isaiah 54 :P

'brb'

'Tis so sweet..

2009-03-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus Louisa M. R. Stead
Trust

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus
Louisa M. R. Stead, 1882
Copyright: Public Domain
'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus
Louisa M. R. Stead

Main subject: Trust
Scripture: Proverbs 30:5
'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me’
Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Amen
(Located http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Tis_So_Sweet_to_Trust_in_Jesus/)

Fun, healthy (ignoring all the choccies!) weekend

2009-03-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

I had a really good weekend - went to Melbourne with the navman (it is a great thing to have). It tried to make me do blockies this arvo as I was coming home ..I'm not sure if they program these things to have an automated 'sense of humour' ;) It was alright, I just got back on the correct road and the course changed again. I did have maybe a near miss, as the thing 'suddenly' said in 100m to turn left..and I was in about the 4th lane from the left! People seem mostly understanding in Melbourne though ;)
There's something about Melbourne..seems to help me every time I go out there. Is my 'neck of the woods' a bit of a 'darker' area..? Or is it just that I can choose to surround myself with people who are pretty good for me? I think probably, maybe mostly that. It was really good catching up with Clare - we had some quality 'girly/sister time in God' on Saturday night. I found it easy in Melbourne to pray about things - ambulance going by..praying about that..guy with difficulty walking..

Pancakes for breakfast this morning. A girly night yesterday - I can facebook up some photos of us with green face masks on...my nose is pretty shiny today, I think the mask was on there a bit too long! We played a 'clinkers' game while the masks dried; wasn't very comfortable with the idea of being asked 'most embarrassing secret'. Wouldn't have gone very deep with an answer. Didn't get asked.

Played a degree of 'chicken' out on the road; we all lay down to take a photo of us all with our heads together.

I felt a bit uncomfortable around Sarah. I didn't air-guitar when some of the other girls were, and she commented that I must think they were silly. I didn't..just was tired and a little headachy. She commented a number of times and it made me feel a bit singled out. I hadn't meant to give the impression I thought anything was lame. That's not what I'd thought. So I felt a little 'out' and like I didn't fit. And then a little empty when I finally went off to start getting ready to call it a night, but as soon as I went to send someone a message I just felt so much like it was fine, and God was with me, and it was okay that I'd had this catch up with the girls that hadn't really centred on Him all that much. Got some time later on anyway with Clare and personally anyway. No condemnation. I really had a good time.

Gtg, a follow-up challenge of Mario Kart with Grant ;) Then ironing..maybe..tidying up a little anyway!

I'm proud of my brother Ryan :) Gotta look up what 'meek' means :P I think I do see that in him. anyway I've gotta go :)

Packed and ready

2009-03-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Just about. I am going to Langwarren and Rosebud tomorrow. It means an early start, and so and early night tonight! Grant helped me set up his and Jenn's navman, so I am all set - the street name I am going to is programmed in, so my level of stress about the whole trip is maybe 2 out of 10, rather than 7, 8, 9 out of 10 ;) It's great knowing I'll hardly have to think where to go. :)
I just have to make sure I'm nice and rested up, and leave early enough, even a little ahead of 7:15am, so I can be sure I'll have time to stop if I need to.

It's going to be interesting having no internet access (and no blog) for a couple of days...well only until maybe 6:30pm on the Sunday, so it's not that long really.
I'm 'loaded up' with phone credit and CDs - new CDs :) - so chance of getting bored while driving is very little. I want to avoid 'everything' feeling new and different. Will have to be sure and bring a CD I'm more familiar with, just in case.

In answer to a message I received today: You ARE doing the right thing in refusing to fight (you mean physically don't you) people when they start trouble.

..it's no longer an eye for an eye, or a tooth for a tooth.. love, blessing and praying for enemies/for those who curse you is good. I guess if you look at Jesus' example: he never fought back against anyone. Even rebuked someone for trying to defend him as he was being handed over. And restored the guy's ear.
...'If God didn't allow it, you could do nothing at all to me'........ ? I hope God never allows it with you..it has happened and I don't understand all that. I'd be looking for you to have Elisha/Elijah experiences - enemies taken out by 'wild beasts' if that is ever needed, or trouble kept far from you. I've heard of miraculous things happening 'in our time'. I guess asking God for help is the best thing. I am glad the enemy has not succeeded in any attempt he might have against your life..you've been hurt but it wasn't 'worse'. Does that make sense...I have a vague memory of a psalm that's like, "if you weren't with me, my enemy would have succeeded in taking me out". You're alive..you're okay.... God showed me where He was when something happened to me. For some reason it was allowed to happen, but He was between me and the attacker, keeping me from 'the worst of it' I guess you could say.
He never is not there. And He loves us. So no matter what happens, we can trust He is not being negligent.
I don't have a clear answer on why some things happen. I just hold on to the hope that God is bigger than it all; that I can stay out of trouble or God can keep it from 'finding' me, or He can protect me if I'm in a vulnerable situation where my life is at risk. If it's not time for me to go, God has to step in somehow if I'm in a dodgy situation. I might feel afraid, maybe, I'm not sure ahead of 'the situation' (don't want to anticipate any such situations happening!) but I believe God would help me.
I've still worried I could be putting myself in harms way, for instance cycling on my own somewhere. I don't have an answer for that. I nearly think it might vary at any given time - maybe God'll give me a feeling that it's not a good time to go, or will lead me in which route to take. I rode a certain way one day, saw a car coming in the distance and turned back, feeling unsafe. I guess there's common sense but also God's clearer direction.

No. 1. Stay out of trouble ;)
No. 2. (or number 1, really,) draw close to God, 'take Him with you' into places.
???

I do firmly believe though, (and I find it hard to know how I might 'react' in a situation, but I guess that's largely up to God) that violence is not a good idea. We can leave it to God to do any punishing or judging. But remembering that people largely 'know not what they do', we can maybe have a great deal of compassion for those people who are out hurting others, not knowing what their own end will be if things don't change. From that perspective we can pray, love them, bless them. Want the best for them.
It is God who works in us...

Conduct yourself with integrity. Let God take care of everything else. "Do your best - let God take care of the rest".

Time for me to go. A safe, happy and quiet weekend for everyone. :)

Jessica needs..

2009-03-19T02:36:00.000-07:00

It's just something I noticed again in a facebook thing - Leah had done this herself and tagged me.

When I looked at hers again I laughed at one answer..then was mindful of the more serious aspect; that I do need some things.

Anyway, humorous version:

Jessica needs her "Eric" time (I buy hot chocolate from a store where the main guy's name is Eric... lol)
Jessica needs to know she is BEAUTIFUL!
Jessica needs a new family - Pets for sale - Pets wanted :P
Jessica needs our support
Jessica needs to stop eating Lindsay's food
Jessica needs your vote

This one touches closer to home..
Jessie needs experienced owners who have dealt with nervous or semi-feral cats before so will understand exactly what they are going home with.
No I am not feral!

It touched closer for me coz I don't want to class myself as in that category, yet I see a need to be understood. I would like that, at least. Certainly with a partner 'for life'. I wouldn't want to feel like they didn't 'get' me.
Simon messaged and invited me to come with him to a birthday party this weekend. I feel like he doesn't 'get' me. He sent me a message on a Sunday after we'd seen each other at church, to organise for us to catch up. I mentioned I had thought of going straight home but was okay for us to catch up as friends and he agreed with that...but went on to 'joke' about 'our' wedding... And then after establishing 'friends', to have him invite me out to go with him to a birthday seems more than friendly. That's not respecting my boundary, buddy. I want to pull back. Fair enough he felt like God was encouraging him to share everything with me.. but I feel like, 'hey...hello..' I feel like he's running ahead and planning our wedding and oh Jessica you can come with me here or we could have lunch..and he hasn't stopped yet to acknowledge that I'm only looking for friendship. Whatever he believes about what God might want, it would be good if he could see my reluctance, my boundary at friendship, and if he could not cross that.

I should have called real estate lady this morning, or even yesterday. It's possible she's not bothering to get back to me because I told her my 'limit' (I know, not the best idea), and it wasn't a very high one. But STILL...if you say you'll call, it's good practice to do so. I hope it's just that she's waiting to find out from the people. I have to be careful I don't call her and ask, "Did you lose my phone number?" It seems rude. Like when Julia Roberts (Pretty Woman) was refused service at this high-end store, just because of appearances. It's not a good sales strategy if you're putting people off buying from you because you're rude. I hope she's not rude. I don't want to give it much thought before calling her lest I develop an 'attitude' ;) I wish I'd just called back before any doubts had crept in. But it serves me fine at the moment anyway to have the 'delay' - my appointment with a lender is next Thursday, so I have to wait until then to find out how much I can truly offer anyway.

So, some 'frustration', and a little uncomfortableness on the phone with A earlier who was checking if I was coming to lady's catch-up tonight. It was probably going to be cancelled...I should look at that (thank You, wish I'd seen it earlier but I'm okay to see it now) as a reassurance really, that I was thinking not to go, in process of sending message and then she called because it was looking to get cancelled, some others had cancelled with her. So it should be reassuring, but I felt I wanted/ought to go...just mostly didn't want to coz felt hungry and tired. When I have a place in town that will hopefully be much less of an issue - I can have a good extra half hour to 'chill', get some rest and have some 'down time' after work, before seeing people again.
I think that's fair. But I feel/felt a bit bad that I 'didn't want to' go. Remembered how it had been useful to go last time. Didn't want to miss anything important, anything that You'd put on anyone's heart to share. Or if there was anything you wanted me to be there for.

Saw a hitchhiker along the road this afternoon on my way home. I didn't pick him up. Gave him this look like, "I'm a girl.. Sorry."
Drove on a bit and then thought like You might be saying 'go back'. Coz that's the 'nice' thing to do. But I didn't...and I felt okay not to, especially after praying you would bring someone else along who could give him a lift safely. And for Your will to be done. Should people really be out hitchhiking anyway.... if You showed me someone was really 'in trouble', or made it obvious I was to pick someone up I would do it.

Part of that could apply re. going out to catch up with girls. Felt like 'ought' to, but not necessarily best motivation for doing something.

Bedtime.

Light has dawned

2009-03-16T03:05:00.001-07:00

Picked up and had a read of an inspirational/devotional booklet, opened to a page where the guy was giving points on how parents can read the bible with their children and help them to get the most out of it. He gave ideas that anyone could use, and that they could then use with their children.

It was quite refreshing to read it. There was a point about asking questions about what is before and after a story, why it could be written in that order, what could be going on with people mentioned in a story that goes unspoken. What grabs your attention about the passage. Why do you think it could be that you are reading this particular 'story' now - how does it apply to you personally. I liked that last part especially. What is this saying to me; What is God saying to me through this.

I opened up and had a read of a passage in Luke that a crossword on the next page referred to.

The crossword 'clue' was 'But they all alike - to make excuses' (Luke 14:18). You had to fill in the word missing between 'alike' and 'to', it's less obvious on blogger ;)

So I opened there, thinking at least I would read it with 'questions' in mind and hopefully draw something new out of it.

Luke 14:16-24

16 Jesus replied: "A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. 17 At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.'
18 "But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, 'I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.'
19 "Another said, 'I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.'
20 "Still another said, 'I just got married, so I can't come.'
21 "The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.'
22 " 'Sir,' the servant said, 'what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.'
23 "Then the master told his servant, 'Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full. 24 I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.' "

Key points to remember:
Banquet not just natural. 'Prepare now'...'feeding' sheep with Word? Truth from Word..not just milk but meat. Spiritual food..
House not always good to 'open up' to all...could volunteer naturally..could with Your help open home. 'Trust the voice within'* to show me who is 'safe' :)
Time with God, investing in the preparation. Not having excuse myself like, "Good News week "JUST" came on telly...I'll have to postpone our time of fellowship, my 'supping' with you." Not even just preparation, but 'my daily bread'. Strength* for today.

*Yeah, go the Christina Aguilera song playing now on radio ;)

:)

I like that song a lot. Particularly the part, "you never changed, you just 'went away'". Felt like a lot of things from early walk with God were 'stolen', like things had changed me. Looked back at some things and felt like I wasn't the same anymore. But I believe I am...or at least the things that are good about me, that God has placed in me (including Himself) remain. haha, now thinking of that quote/metaphor about the dogs..? Which one you feed is the one that will thrive..?

Don't abuse any dogs, anyone :P Just build yourself up in God. And help me do the same if you'd like. Amen.

Oooh...I'm liking the radio tonight. Would like this to sort of reflect me: Guns & Roses? "Sweet child of mine".

Sweet child of God's, hey? :)

Sweet Child O' Mine lyricsShe's got a smile that it seems to meReminds me of childhood memoriesWhere everything was as fresh as the bright blue skyNow and then when I see her faceShe takes me away to that special placeAnd if I stared too longI'd probably break down and cryOh, sweet child o' mineOh, sweet love of mineShe's got eyes of the bluest skiesAs if they thought of rainI hate to look into those eyesAnd see an ounce of painHer hair reminds me of a warm safe placeWhere as a child I'd hideAnd pray for the thunder and the rainTo quietly pass me byOh, sweet child o' mineOh, sweet love of mineOh, sweet child o' mineOh, sweet love of mineOh, sweet child o' mineOh, sweet love of mineWhere do we goWhere do we go nowWhere do we goWhere do we goWhere do we go nowWhere do we goSweet childWhere do we go nowWhere do we goWhere do we go nowWhere do we goWhere do we go nowWhere do we goWhere do we go nowSweet childSweet child o' mine

I'll 'unpack' it later :)
The stuff it mentions I would like to be to people/to have people see in me. Forget overly assertive, or confident in self. Let me be confident in You, 'glorying' in You, and sweet. A woman who fears the Lord, above all else.

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised - (Psalm 31:30)

hahahahahaha..."because a girl like you is impossible to find.."
The radio song isn't quite right..! - the type of woman mentioned in Proverbs 31 was 'rare', not "impossible" to find.

I appreciate the encouragement, greatly. I desire that that would be who I am/what I am like.

"You (the Lord) are,
and nothing else compares.." (Coldplay now. Thank You for THAT encouragement. 'Above all powers..above all kings. Above all nature and all created things..above all wisdom, and all the ways of man..'...like a rose..*)
*consider rose picture...God supporting and lifting up, glorified after having 'taken the fall'. Now Strong and supporting me. 'You really are amazing'.

Wonder if this couple will accept my offer of 160,000 on a place. Please do, lovely people..~! I had an Elton John stuck in my head on that matter. "oooh, a change is gonna do me good". I can see how it is, if I'm going to get more times like these (now it's Minties..!! haha. I am 'advertising'~!): "It's times like these you need" - (Minties).

'And where do we go from here,
...the way that's clear..'

Gotta remain in Your teaching and not run ahead.

hahahahahahahha - "I'm going away to be alone; I'm coming back with answers". 3 songs now that seem to touch on 'where do we go from here', but seemingly progressively pointing towards You ;)

Where do we go now?
Where do we go from here, ...way that's clear.. (Who's way could that be? ;)) (who did that song? Was that Coldplay? Sorry I'll not plagiarise, will check it up in morning or tomorrow evening)
I 'don't know' where I'm going, but can You guide me, ah-ah, ah-ah... ;) (song is by 'Fakers')

'I gotta get away, I'm not coming back' (I've gotta get away from this blog site before this continues! hahahahahaha~!! "I want some 'down time'" ;D

End of song! Goodnight ;) :)

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Let that be me.

:) "L-O-V-E LOVE.."
'Technicolour dreams in my head...' (Joseph and his technicolour dream coat..? ;)) (TLC?)

Goodnight :)

No I'm back. That song above.. "I've got power, I'm gonna use it - put the message in the music...realise the dreams in your head"*
*(( :) makes me think of Ryan. Do the same for him, won't You..)).
Woah.. ;) God does have power to do that :) I love the very gentle approach of it, "That's gonna make a change...that's gonna make a change..." (in me..among other things)!! Amen :) Amen :) Amen :) Praise be to God, really :D

"L-o-v-e, love."

Awww man, and now Beyonce... walls tumbling down - not even putting up a fight..standing in Your light...being awakened... It is God who works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose..
You're 'everything I need and more'. I love this song. 'Halo' (figurative, coz I don't see that..but very real in You). I love You. I do, don't I ;)

Okay. Now, to enjoy rest of this song.

..came back, again, to edit a little. NOW time to go. I think..! 11 should be my 'curfew'. Laptop was a useful tool tonight; I don't regret using it. But time to go now, methinks.

For You, Dear Lord.
xo

No I'm not going to dictionary.com 'dear' now. I'm going. Goodnight ;)
:)

No ugly worry to be found

2009-03-14T04:51:00.000-07:00

I need sleep, but am not ready yet.

I can't post what I just wrote. Frustrating things. Get behind me, Satan.
I don't want to worry about things that have been worrying me.
"Don't worry about the things that have been bothering you". Thank you so much, David. Thank You God through David. I hope David was spot on. I hope that was You. I want to believe that he was and is spot on, and that there is nothing wrong with where I am now.
I miss David a little. I hope I get to meet him again one day. :( I miss him.
_____

Bowling was pretty good tonight. Didn't come last, was kinda happy about that*. Didn't do too badly and managed to find a light enough ball. 72 points.

But wait..

2009-03-13T15:14:00.001-07:00

I'm back, briefly. I just noticed again on my biblegateway page that the passage begins with,

I always thank God for you

I know that in the context it's maybe more that Paul is thanking God for the 'changes' that have happened in the Corinthian people he writes to, since His grace has been given them.
But I just thought about Jesus saying that to us. There's a scripture where it talks about there being rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents..if that's angels rejoicing..(not sure, would be wanting to read that again)..how much more does God rejoice over us.

In Zephaniah 3 there's mention of God rejoicing over us.

I love that God would be thankful for me. I do see Jesus and God as somewhat separate, in that Jesus is interceding for us..but essentially (yes?) they are the same. They are one.. The Word became flesh. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

It helps to 'see' Jesus, and to have that connection as a friend/fellow child of God, as well as knowing of God being a 'spirit'. It's like there's an 'object' (capital O ;)) I can reach out to. Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith.

Edit:

Back. AGAIN. Found this and loved it. Hoping I can link it up. I looks like I may be getting back to 1 Corinthians a little later in the day..! Googled to find where the above scripture was and came across this, which seems to fit. There's the joy and contentment..looking to/at You..

Can we get some breakfast up in here!!

2009-03-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

Woke very hungry. Got some breakfast and in the process made a parody of part of an ACDC song (don't blame/judge me, my dad likes them. I've grown up with them and the BeeGees ;)).

Thunderstruck became Hungerstruck ;)

I'm not going to do the guitar riff intro. But you can chant, "HUNGER...na-na-na-na na-na-naaa.." if you want to.

I was caught, in the kitchen with a hand full of snacks..
HUNGER
And I knew, oh I knew there was no turning back...
HUNGER

..that's as far as I've gotten..oh and
"You've been....[HUNGERSTRUCK]" ...hahaha

Come on, I've got to stop laughing so I can finish my milk..!

I think that's all the words I remember of that ACDC song. There are parts where I can remember how he sounds/the notes he reaches, but it's all "blah blah blah BLAH! Blah blah blah ...... Thunderstruck".

Well I'm up and awake now. Pretty much just before my alarm went for 8am..! Only thing is the clock on that phone is 10 minutes early, so I made it to 7:50am, really ;) But near enough.
I need to go for a bike ride today. Yes I said 'need', not want. Maybe dad can come with me. Grant even and dad.

I like being up 'early'. I feel more 'awake' or more like things around me are beautiful...it's before 'the world' gets too busy, I guess. Quieter..
Except for the shooting next door, which has continued from last night (not 'into' last night..they stopped, but are out again).

Time to read something and then go for this bike ride, while I feel awake and not hungry ;)

I read 1 Corinthians 1 last night. I might read it again this morning, maybe make some notes (I want to start remembering more where things are, so even if it's just a brief summary and/or I take out key things, I would like that). Can hardly remember what it was about just at the moment. Also read something really nice in..oh no, there it is in 1 Corinthians ;) - verses 4 to 9. I didn't grasp some of it right away, but God helped me to understand it better. I'll try a different bible to the NIV after I look at it again.

These bits I didn't get:

1 Corinthians 1:4-9 (New International Version)
Thanksgiving

4 I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. 5 For in him you have been enriched in every way—in all your speaking and in all your knowledge— 6 because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. 7 Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. 8 He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.

In our speaking and our knowledge have we been improved-enriched? I know I have, and maybe this is how it is meant there - my speech has changed. Not just that I don't swear..much.. I kind of think "shoot" still counts as swearing maybe when you stub your toe on something..and in my mind I have had 'cuss' words too, even fairly recently. I wonder if that's the enemy, never used to be like that and hopefully I won't be again! It seems to have been more when I felt like I was 'out on my own' and not the best sort of person. Easier to get angry with stuff. Not really appropriate. Not for a lady. Not for anyone really.

I don't sort of get the connection in the next part; how the church of God in Corinth has been enriched 'because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you'. Is that referring to the Holy Spirit? Who 'indwells' and confirms to us that we are children of God..?

I didn't get the 'not lacking any spiritual gift' part. But then I guess I was led to think about the purpose of spiritual gifts - to build up, to edify, to bring to maturity. I think it is kind of saying we are not lacking anything, we have everything we need as we eagerly wait for Jesus Christ to be revealed.
Is God's Holy Spirit also a 'spiritual gift' in this context? I guess because, if we do have God's Holy Spirit, therein/in God is all that we need. So we lack nothing. We've got essentially a 'storehouse' within us of all that God is/is able to do...

There's mention in one scripture about building ourselves up in our most holy faith, praying in the spirit - in tongues? Is that about connecting with God. He dwells in us but let's commune with Him too, type thing. And is that how we become more like Him..
Other things as well are important. But I guess the above is not un-important. There are things I guess that are equally important. If I think about spiritual gifts, or parts of the body, all have got their place. I guess it's about a balance. You don't just sit and pray and never do anything else, but neither do you sit and study all the time either, or go out in ministry but forget our time with God.. So...I suppose we make time for God, because He's important, but it's really up to Him to lead us in how to connect with Him..'to will and to act according to His good purpose'. We give Him our best. Maybe pray deliberately. Maybe commit to reading first thing in the mornings. Maybe aim for 'at least' 10 minutes in prayer...but then let Him 'lead on' or make it into something.

In a personal prophecy once, through someone else, I was told,
"Prepare now. God will bless your future".

So I guess it's like that. But the preparation isn't all tough work on our part. And I guess really a lot of the things we go through, God is sovereignly working to bring about that 'end'. The 'finished' product. 'His Rembrandt', in my case. :) ...I like the art reference...in an art piece there are colours...shades of light and dark. If the painting was all light..what am I thinking..I guess a painting can show up even better with dark parts. And I'm not saying I want any darkness IN me. But I guess if you would consider to put my whole life onto a canvass, there would be ...oh, it was kind of making sense to me.. BASICALLY, dark parts don't make it any less beautiful. Rembrandt's self-portrait image had a lot of dark colour in the background.

And yet the 'Rembrandt' connection goes further, doesn't it. Because Rembrandt WAS a painter. It's not just his life that was 'before' God. He also made works that showed things about/pointed to God/told stories from within the bible. There was the sacrifice of Jacob by Isaac..with the Lord telling him to stop at the last moment (hope I have the names all right). I want people to see the outpouring of my life...the things I do and say, the way I conduct myself...pointing to God. Pointing to all that's good about Him. Seeing His life, love and power on display in/through me.

I felt content/joyful last night and thinking on it can't put it down to anything in particular except God. And just felt the same again. ;) "I am strong".
;) I was just looking around my room as if I would get that feeling again, since I was looking over a certain way when I felt it. But it was You, wasn't it. The contentment/joy knowing my life is in Your hands (help me believe/know that more). And that You 'will bless my future'. It blesses me even now to 'see'/believe/understand that.

I might LISTEN (audio CD) to 1 Corinthians 1, and read from the Amplified. The audio CD helped me at one time particularly. There were times I would read and 'get stuck' on bits...the audio CD keeps going. You miss a bit, come back to it! No pressure to read and understand 'right away', to the extent it could stuff up your further reading ;)

Anyway, that's 'me'. Bikeride looming closer! Better get into this other stuff.
Love J.

Big day

2009-03-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

:) Getting along with someone, somewhat unexpectedly. :) It's nice..! Wife of a friend. I usually feel like we have so little in common, but tonight was good..

I would love to write something much more meaningful than the other post I just put in here but my hands have decided I need to wait. And I think God isn't unhappy for that either. I have a book 'beckoning' so might read that for a little while.

So, goodnight. Ryan I hope you're well. Wanted to say hello before, and ask what days you are working but I've been pushing the button and the messages still aren't going through. Have a good night.

I get to sleep in tomorrow... :) ..How about it...8am? ;) Weekend waking up has been kind of early recently. And Thurs morning, my morning off work, was an early wake-up too. I used to be able to sleep in til 10:30..once even 11:30am I think. Not that I miss that, I actually quite like the earlier rising, interestingly.

STOP TYPING. Going.

A little trivial. Hunger.

2009-03-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

I was very hungry today :/

This reminds me of The Hungry Caterpillar book. ..

I ate:

Special K cereal
A slice of toast with vegemite

2 Raspberry shortcake biscuits - an early morning tea coz I was hungry but also feeling a little 'nauseous'.
Then an apple, coz I was still feeling a bit yuck.

Drink of water..

Bottle of iced tea from the lunch van - wonderful!!! Felt a LOT better.

Tupperware thingo of soup, with a slice of buttered bread from home

A wagon wheel, from the lunch van

More water

More water

A Big M drink. The carton smelled like vegemite, it wasn't the most pleasant experience (what was in that fridge before my drink?? Does anyone ever clean that fridge? hahaha)

And I nearly bought one of those coconut/chocolate/nougat type bars from the box in reception at 4:30pm ;)

Once home..
A banana
A tim tam...?

Dinner was chicken schnitzel with peas, carrots and chips
Dessert was icecream with choc. topping and milo sprinkled

Had a cup of tea after that...the chai stuff with the sodium that seems to dehydrate me a bit

More water

Some orange juice.

That's about it. Maybe wasn't too much really (I think not..), but I did feel that hunger/nausea feeling a couple of times...could be that I had take away for lunch AND dinner yesterday..!

'Quickened' :)

2009-03-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

..and again, when I couldn't determine if it was at the beginning of the psalm or further down..!

:D :)

Psalm 46:7 (NIV, biblegateway.com)

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

The time

2009-03-09T00:54:00.000-07:00

It's time to plant bulbs for Spring time.

I heard something similar on the radio today and it made me think. My last posts have mentioned 'winter' and I didn't know if that's what things were like exactly, but I like how this possibly links in.

Love your heart

2009-03-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

'We give thanks for the blessing of winter:
Season to cherish the heart.
To make warmth and quiet for the heart.
To make soups and broths for the heart.
To cook for the heart and read for the
heart.
To curl up softly and nestle with the heart.
To sleep deeply and gently at one with
the heart.
To dream with the heart.
To spend time with the heart.
A long, long time of peace with the heart.
We give thanks for the blessing of winter:
Season to cherish the heart.
Amen.'

(More Michael Leunig. Reference in a previous post).

Title comes from a margarine ad ;) Flora margarine.

Michael's prayers

2009-03-08T01:59:00.000-08:00

God bless the lost, the confused, the unsure,
the bewildered, the puzzled, the mystified,
the baffled, and the perplexed.
Amen.

Dear God,
Let us prepare for winter. The sun
has turned away from us and he nest of
summer hangs broken in a tree. LIfe slips
through our fingers and, as darkness gathers,
our hands grow cold. It is time to go inside.
It is time for relection and resonance. It is
time for contemplation. Let us go inside.
Amen.

Let us pray for wisdom. Let us pause from
thinking and empty our mind. Let us stop
the noise. In the silence let us listen to our
heart. The heart which is buried alive. Let
us be still and wait and listen carefully. A
sound from the deep, from below. A faint
cry. A weak tapping. Distant muffled
feelings from within. The cry for help.
We shall rescue the entombed heart. We
shall bring it to the surface, to the light
and the air. We shall nurse it and listen
respectfully to its story. The heart's story
of pain and suffocation, of darkness and
yearning. We shall help our feelings to live in
the sun. Together again we shall find relief
and joy.

All Michael Leunig (1993) Common Prayer Collection.

Peace today, mostly

2009-03-07T22:11:00.001-08:00

Went to the new church again, after much emotion about what to do. Ended up late for both, but less late for the new one since it starts at 10am, vs. 9:30am. I made it in time for some worship and I think that was a good decision. Great, actually...it was an amazing time and I'm very glad I went there. I nearly could have gone nowhere, N. picked up on that, has been through similar. I had the dream 'warning' and still felt unsure about the other one..happy to go and be there and stand before my family in what God wants if it's what He wants...but while not sure it becomes really difficult. I get questions, get defensive..'scisms' get created that way.

N. prayed with me against any more scisms..scisms are like divisions, as I understand them. I guess you have 'scis-sors' to chop things with..same sort of word 'origin'.

I walked in, yes, a bit late, walked down to a seat near the front, passed someone in the row behind me who turned out to be Simon, this guy who sent me a couple of messages - known through uni, saw each other again last year at a Christian book shop.

He invited me to catch up - I got a message from him a bit later...sent one back that sure, as friends that was fine, so I drew the boundary..

We got Hungry Jack's and went to a park nearby - sat on some steps to eat. He talked to me about some things...said that he hadn't recognised me at first but then during the preaching or something it was like God was telling him, "share everything with Jessica". He told me about some things he'd gone through, friends who'd helped him, that sort of thing. It was kind of on 'the edge of my tongue' to share what I'd been through, but I didn't - first meeting with someone after a long time, I wasn't sure about just jumping in with the deep stuff. We were sort of on the same page with wanting to share stuff but I got uncomfortable after saying I'd felt like that too and had held back. Then I felt like it wasn't the time, or I felt too uncomfortable to tell him. He was really open with things with me.

I'm just not sure what his motivations are. He was fine enough with friends to still want to catch up with me, and said as much. But where we were sitting, he made jokes about 'our' wedding when I'd been talking about (shouldn't have talked about?) a, not my, wedding...well actually, yes kind of mine - his sister got married at a cathedral. I was just saying I wouldn't mind even an area like the one we were in - area of outdoor space.

He looks 'like' the guy I dreamt about. I just feel though like I'm not wanting more than friendship. I nearly feel like, "why can't I just feel the same way about a guy..?" Bothers me if...well, God may have said to share everything with me, but that could be for support..I hope he's not reading much into it. I've made my stance clear anyway.

Rachel was lovely. Caught up with her after the service, had prayer with N. which was good, and Rachel prayed as well for my family. I really felt like it was an alright, even a good, decision to be there. Came to the 'conclusion' as I was sitting waiting to speak to someone for prayer. Then felt I didn't need any but there was N. and it worked out fine. It was a very positive experience.

I felt a bit awkward about 'going off with' someone I didn't know very well. Deciding to eat out rather than at Hungry Jack's.

Feeling odd 'now' that I've 'excluded' my mum and sister from my room so I can journal. Equally unnerved that Jennifer came IN and looked at photos on facebook with me but noticed this site. Is she going to do some snooping without my being willing to share these things yet and delve into stuff I'm not comfortable with? It's like a diary. I hope she's honest and nice enough to be curious but not pushy. We had a really nice afternoon together just earlier...maybe there are things I can share with her more openly, but I'd like it to be on my terms and to feel comfortable that it's all....yeah I don't know, just that we're both happy and that she doesn't feel she has a right to poke at things that are 'close' to me, that I might not be ready to discuss.

So Jenn, if you're reading this, 'go away..?' ;)

Rrr mum has started on dinner by the sound of it. After asking me to. Just let me do it! I'd better go out and relieve her of the burden before she can be all, "have to do it all.."

It's "rissoles, darl'" :P ;) :)

I feel so relaxed at the moment. Have to pray more, talk to God about just anything..everything.

'Escape from Alcatraz'

2009-03-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can live here..

Not sure about the title - haven't seen that movie. Alcatraz is a prison, isn't it? I'm not sure of the spelling either ;)

Might google and put a picture in, assuming I know how to.

Tenderness

2009-03-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

I won't be here online for long. I've got to get some water and breakfast into me soon.

Opened up to a story about Laban and Jacob. Genesis 31. Contained in it was an instance where Laban hears that Jacob has left with his wives (Laban's daughters) and he pursues to confront him.

The night before he reaches Jacob, God speaks to Laban in a dream and says to him,
"Be careful that you do not speak from good to bad to Jacob [peaceably, then violently]." (in Genesis 31:24)

I wish that would happen in my household..! You tell 'em! ;) ..but I got thinking about the dream I had with Marjorie being angry..and so asked that You might do the same there. That if she needs to be spoken to tonight, that You would do so.

The dream I had seems 'likely' to happen..there is actually (well, usually) a luncheon on the first Sunday of the month - if I go back tomorrow I likely will find myself sitting with her at the end of a long table.
I would like to talk to her about 'everything', but not if there's going to be anger. So God will have to take care of that. Otherwise, it's likely I am going to want to get up and leave. I was reading something a week or so ago...

For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ...
...to challenge any crossing of your boundaries
...to take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.
http://www.voicesofstrength.org/recoverybillofrights.htm

I sort of learnt from that that it is okay to walk away. It shouldn't be that I should use the 'bill of rights' as a way of 'walking over' anyone. But that it/I/God/('what'? ;)) should raise me up to a level where I am ...* oppression. (so I'm not being walked over either).

*what's the word? R...Rebuking..rejecting..refusing...resisting oppression.

Not quite sure how I'm going to do this (assert myself, care for myself more, 'love [my]self enough'). But I suppose I might get the opportunity to practice on Sunday..
What do I do about 'telling' my family tomorrow morning? When it comes to 'where are you going?' I'm still not decided on the 'where'. There's every chance I'll end up at the other church again..I will have to 'finally' finish and send letter to Marjorie. Maybe she wouldn't be so angry (if she is at all) once she knows how it's been from 'my end'.
I don't want to confront my family, or rather have them confront me, while I am still of 2 minds about where to be.

Brother-in-law seems to feel he has license now to have much more input with me. Not sure if that's entirely him or if stuff gets said about me privately...probably a combination. I won't let it worry me.

And so I wait..

There was a song in my mind this morning but I don't think these lyrics I've found are 100% accurate...they don't make much sense to me!:

Gyan, 'Wait' lyrics

there she stands
looking out to sea
waiting for her first love
keep on waiting for him
a little baby cries
in the arms of the night
she’s calling out his name
like a Madame butterfly ((might have to google the madame butterfly part))

wait eh eh
for the favoured one
with the favourite heart
that he promised too many years for now

there she standslooking back at me
her red frames ((her red frames??? Is it 'her red hair'?)) her pale face
against the black scenery
voices calling back at you
they’re just whispers in the wind
living on those sweet memories
won’t bring him back again
but your heart keeps telling you to

wait eh eh for the favoured one with the favourite heart
that he promised too many years for ((from??)) now
wait eh eh for the tenderness of a tender heart
that he promised too many years from now

she’ll never leave to be left with the chance of living a lie on her own
she won’t believe she’s caught in a trance of wishing she wasn’t alone

wait eh eh for the favoured onewith the favourite heart
that he promised too many years for now
wait eh eh for the tenderness of a tender heart
that he promised too many years from now

Makes more sense now that I've c&p'd and had to separate bits out. Got to see things 'joined' together a bit more. I can put my own 'spin' on how it applies to me...not wanting to make a wrong choice and be 'living a lie on my own'...remembering You so I won't be 'alone'. Looking towards God..waiting..not wanting distraction of boys but also waiting for someone who will be there, tender and wonderful and giving me some 'escape', particularly on the home front.. And crying for God. Show me how to live. Change the circumstances. Help me to assert myself respectfully and to cope when 'the Christ in me' is attacked and mistreated.

I kind of like the following, from Michael Leunig's 'Common Prayer Collection' (1993) (it was at work on a book shelf in the interview room! So I have borrowed it - through no formal process but I think it's there to be borrowed out and I do intend fully to bring it back. Just don't let me forget):

That which is Christ-like within us shall be
crucified. It shall suffer and be broken. And
that which is Christ-like within us shall rise
up. It shall love and create.

I don't want to think about the suffering and broken part. But it helps to think of the second part..the 'resurrection' or 'raising up'.

Good morning 'area-where-I-live!' (I'm not saying it on here! But wanted to ;))

Help! I want to be close.

2009-03-06T01:52:00.001-08:00

Psalm 36 (New International Version - BibleGateway.com)
Psalm 36:11 May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.

Lovely

2009-03-05T02:10:00.000-08:00

Long day. Not sure have energy to be here online. I begin at 8:30am again tomorrow.

There's a yawn..

Worked
Had opportunity with man at work...showed him where kitchen was and he mentioned a condition that caused him to walk a little odd. "Thought I'd mention it first so you wouldn't be wondering" - or something like that he said. Is a condition that's meant to get worse, rather than better.
What did I ask..? Something I kind of regretted, like "can anything be done...?" (way to build up a guy's faith or lead into positives!! ;))
"I'll pray for you if you like".
He seemed okay with that. Spoke to me again later on over in the photocopy/public use room, just general comment about the photocopier (had been beeping, told him he could sit out there so had to go in and stop the beeping...fancy offering him a more comfortable alternative to standing in the kitchen with his coffee and then him having to put up with printer :P).
In kitchen I wanted to lay hands on him to pray, but didn't feel sure/confident to explain..? Instead prayed 'in proxy' in reception until I remembered I was meant to be buzzing admin officer back with some information.

I nearly forgot - thank You Lord!! - to call Mr. W. (would use first names but..internet) about getting in touch with a parent before 4pm. Remembered with 10 minutes to spare. Thank 'Goodness'/thank the Lord :) *phew*
I'm glad when You remind me of stuff.

I've been uncomfortable around Manager on that side. Feel I guess intimidated by him a bit. Tend to present myself as confident/capable/louder around him; at other times feel so awkward I say nothing and mostly get on with my work when he's there. 'Why'.. He's 'loud', has little patience..? And I guess that's what bothers me, because I don't want to be holding him up and causing annoyance. THAT's the word. Annoyance. That's the why. Don't want to annoy him :S I should just not think about it so much ;) Would be happy to make conversation I guess but I feel like it needs to come from him.

Is it You he's 'annoyed' with..? Well, I guess I've just gotta keep doing my job; try not to think about whether or not he would approve of whatever I was doing. Just work at it ['whatever you do'] with all my heart...keep my focus on You. '..as working for the Lord and not for men'. 'Head down', but confidence present in who I am in You. Where is that tonight... Where is that there..I see it sometimes :)

I had a dream last night that I went to a kind of church 'function', sat at the end of a long table next to Marjorie. She was REALLY angry (at me?) - had some scriptures to share with me that would 'teach me a lesson'. The scriptures were gentle and I guess appropriate enough, but her whole attitude was so biting. Like she was upset with me for leaving and saying nothing and then coming back and expecting things to be fine?

I forget that leaders are humans... I just feel like I don't want to have to face that. I want to give her this letter...finally...even in 'draft' if I can't manage anything else..and hope to hear from her. Wait to hear from her before going back..:s It's hard to know what my relationship is with Marjorie. 'Equally' I haven't heard anything from her.. It makes me feel embarrassed, shamed. It was 'just a dream'! How much of it could be true? Will make things difficult if it's an insight.. *sigh*

What about the prodigal son? Come on, love me.. *:)* I really hope she does.

"What's not to love?" ;) haha. ..

Didn't realise Ryan had been through all he had with legal firm. Can see his points. Hope I can help him see he is not 'evil'. Hard when you've done stuff you're not proud of...

Watched a 'sermon' on DVD tonight from Hillsong United. Was good...about being lights in the world. Darkness has to flee.. Choosing to be generous and loving while world is maybe greedy and hateful. How if everyone just makes a difference...what a difference would be made. If everyone 'switched on the light', how much darkness would no longer be about!
There's a lot to say about the choices we make. I guess the choices we make 'now', that we can control. Things don't have to be like they were..

Dad asked me tonight on a walk, "Is the reason you want to buy a house that you want to go back to the 'OL'?"
Frustrated me.
'No! Love!' (what God was probably saying)
"No that's NOT why.." Then I said something like, 'If I decide I want to go back though, that's something that should be up to me.' I'm pretty sure I said it 'worse': angry (love..! no!) that he asked me that.
Questioning turned to why I would go back when I'd left there. I explained it wasn't that different to other churches and I knew people there a lot better than at this other one.
"But aren't there nice people at this other church..? And young people?"

I said I left the OL because mum had been offended by one of the pastors. I couldn't think of any other thing to say. I thought of, 'I stopped going because it was causing problems at home/because you didn't want me to.' Later I was thinking (by the way, this is NOT an example of doing everything without grumbling or complaining/arguing. This really upset me. Hurts. :( It's just like what bro-in-law had tonight - messages from 'enemy' pointing out 'concerns' with intention of stirring trouble. Wouldn't mind if I had realised this earlier, but I suppose it's better late. And I'm glad I didn't say some things. One sentence could have seen dad putting blame on himself for my desiring to leave. How annoying (okay, that's dictionary word of the day now..!) that something he 'knows' from the day I left the OL, gets spun back to me like if I wanted to leave it would be my fault, my hit against the family, my pulling/taking something away. The message bro-in-law got did the same thing; twisted things, put blame on him for a situation gone wrong, where sender was actually at fault, and then 'appealed' to him to do things the sender's way/permit that view.

:

What do I do about situation with mum's offense? How much is it true..uncomfortableness of pastor around me makes me feel it's true enough, not just 'enemy control' on mum. How to overcome that? Does pastor need to talk to mum, straighten things out. Do I just need to go back to OL regardless of family's opinion, or I guess 'secretly' as dad was insinuating (or did he just think on what I said previously...the Sunday arvo when I'd 'left').

Mum 'totally went off her nut' at something the other day. The house in north suburb. "It's the church! It's the church making her do...they've been telling her..." It wasn't 'them' at all. It was me. Maybe God. Perhaps just me. Nothing at all to do with people influencing me in a bad way.

Then we watched Packed to the Rafters, saw the reaction of Italian mother whose young son was dating a much older woman. About the same as mum's reaction toward me! And the reaction of my sister to the televised mother? "What a bitch!"
I wouldn't consider mum 'a bitch'. But I feel it is so much the same as what happened there - manipulation, panic/overreacting, trying to control decisions. Maybe rightly, in the sense that I could be making mistakes. "You're young. Young people make mistakes" (Italian mother). But forcing your own way on someone else..

It's getting late, anyway.

What do I do about all the above..?
..Choose.

Unsure exactly what I will choose, in terms of a course of action (eg. moving out, when to return to church..gotta send letter first). But I can, and would like to, and even need to, get out of "grr" mentality and *sigh* I guess be ready for the next round of 'questioning', should it come.
Spend time reading about and practicing love. Forgive mum for worrying and drawing dad in on that. Go to bed so I don't get any lectures on not spending so much time on the net! It would be sensible not to at this time of night. Early start. I have approx. 8 hours now before I NEED to get up.

So..

..even more I could say. But I want to go and clear my head of the above; focus on something nicer...music..this poster near my desk with its many different descriptions/titles about Jesus:
The Christ
Emmanuel - God with us
The good shepherd. :)
The triumphant, risen saviour.

Triumphant I would have, gladly :)

Liberator
Giver of Life.

My 'word of the day':

an·noy

(ə-noi') Pronunciation Key tr.v. an·noyed, an·noy·ing, an·noys
1. To cause slight irritation to (another) by troublesome, often repeated acts.
2. Archaic To harass or disturb by repeated attacks.

Interesting about the next part (all Dictionary.com):
[Middle English anoien, from Old French anoier, ennuyer, from Vulgar Latin *inodiāre, to make odious, from Latin in odio, odious : in, in; see in-2 + odiō, ablative of odium, hatred; see od- in Indo-European roots.]

I think of how there is 'odour'...thinking how the 'odour' of the fragrance of Christ in us can annoy people. ..I'd like to think that was all it could be with me. I guess it's that and clothes 'everywhere' in my room. Got more from Jennifer just today.

Okay, Lovely, better be going.

Hope Ryan is going okay in his work.

Not happy, Jan.. .......

2009-02-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

It's not Ryan making me uncomfortable in any way.

Still have not received all of an sms message...I had my phone with me in town all day, even made a phone call on it, but still no completion there.

I have a post in 'draft' that explains my first statement. "It's not you, it's me" really does apply on the point of being uncomfortable. But I'm not sure how to explain to him. Shall we say I'm not uncomfortable? I only hope that this 'other' thing 'from' my life is water "over the bridge, or under the bridge.." and won't have any bad impact on me anymore.

Making any sense? I'm not sure if I'm ready for it to make perfect sense to anyone else!
How about I just title this post some random word and make it even more confusing :P

It would be great if someone could just 'know' and I wouldn't have to say anything, or I guess not be the first to say anything. But that's still difficult. I think Kaye was on the mark when she asked a certain question*, but I didn't want to talk about it. So it didn't matter that she might have said it first. I've got to trust someone first. How can I explain to Ryan..

*I don't like the idea that Your people can have a 'spotlight' into my heart, my life..! (That in itself is alright, but I want there to be limits). I hope You're monitoring that, and only showing people what they can handle to know about me.

:(

"I think it's all going to work out fine.."

'DANG AND BLAST!' lol.. *sigh* I want to share this with someone, and I want help, but how on earth.. Is there anyone who would be gentle with me, who would understand. Who wouldn't unintentionally make me feel like an 'exhibition'. Like ***SHOOM - glaring lights on this part of your life!*** Is there anyone who's been through this? I need someone who's going to hold my hand, as well as scrape out the dirt. Don't leave me feeling hurt at the end. Be there as long as I need you.

You don't have to scrape out the dirt.
Just please be there for me, pray for me..God can do the tough stuff. There's a scripture that I think of...
Confess your faults to one another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16 - King James).

There is an author who's been through this..through worse. But I don't think she's a Christian..she's gone a way that I wouldn't want to, not deep down, and writes about things that people should not read.

I need to tell Ryan. I'm just 'scared' to. And I don't know how to really word it, except maybe from the draft post. I don't want to cause any worry. I don't want to treat it like it's bigger or smaller than it is. It's just personal.

'on the dance floor' - haha

2009-02-23T03:31:00.000-08:00

I know, 'cheesy' yes? But I saw the 'Forever' title from last post and then thought of the
Chris Brown song. Hence the above title.

An email I nearly partly emailed. And if I'd slipped on a button, I could have emailed it then, too. But 'all is well with the world', and my email is now a journal entry.

I don't know about sending a 'personal' email ;) but the following was too personal for group email, so..hope email is okay.

Luke: Hi! How'd your presentation go today? I read on facebook that you were speaking somewhere.
The verdict at present - home shopping vs. renting, as mentioned above (to Sarah L). POSSIBLY a house and land package through a builder. That would cost more..! Would mean saving for a while.
A lady got in touch with me today via email, who I've not heard from in 3 years. It's really good timing. I am yet to contact Marjorie from the Oasis of Love - will have to carve out some time in an evening to finish a letter to her.
Things are mostly well...or at least well in terms of work. And with family fairly good. With God..spiritually, there's a lot of stuff going on. Seems to be a lot like what your mum was saying about weakness with areas that have been injured. How many injuries have I got?! haha.. Seems like a lot. I am hoping I will come out of it with GREAT understanding, and can help others, and will have a great future in God and not be proud about it but not be 'trampled under' from the preparation either. I don't suppose God intends that ;) ..Healthy humility :)

Encouraging songs have come to mind now and then recently, or I've heard them playing in places...I'm hoping that as I relax a bit/a lot more (;)), 'be still' and focus on positive things and spend time listening to or reading God's Word that He will take care of a lot of the things I seem to put on myself to accomplish. It doesn't 'WORK' like that - God's as great today as He was back in Moses' time. I think I've spent a lot of unneccessary time trying to go in directions I think He wants me to, that seem the best, while He's not said anything about going that way. I've received three clear 'words': Simply love. The next about His will: 'That you may know me', and the third to let His words speak into me continuously. And there's all the other times God 'speaks' and it's like it comes as a 'thought'. I guess what I'm trying to say is God can get through to me.
I've been trying too hard to do the 'right' thing. How did I become 'legalistic'? And of course I'm not good enough if I think of things or myself in that way. I want to do well and do right, think right..I've 'just' got to relax a little. Maybe think more along the lines of enjoying...enjoying closeness with God..enjoying not knowing everything ;)..enjoying learning,..enjoying just reading His Word..not expecting 'instant' transformation.

So that's a bit of an update. Hopefully an update that makes good sense ;)
There are things I don't understand...but I guess that's a good opportunity for just openly discussing it with/seeking God. And He can help me to understand.

'Forever'

2009-02-21T21:01:00.000-08:00

I've missed Ryan a bit this weekend. I can't be a burden on him. I don't think he reads this anymore...it's been a long time since I've typed anything. I hope he's enjoying his fishing trip :)
I can't see anything happening between us. I feel like I don't need to worry - I think we will always be close as brother and sister / friends / co-champions, lol. I seem to have latched on to him a bit since finding that he was hoping things could become more. Wondering if I need to back off somehow.

I've had enough of worrying that 'my guy' could be not out there. I want to move on from 'now' and just not have that, not have men on my mind. Not be thinking in situations, 'will I meet him here?' ENOUGH. I think if I just don't think about it, that'll be good. Now I need help with turning my focus to worthwhile things.

I wouldn't mind going fishing, or even to the beach. I would just need a ladder to get the stuff down from the top of the shed where Dad's stored it all. Why so high up, Dad? The 'boogie board' is between the roof and a 'rafter', and he's worked it's rope back through at the top so it doesn't hang down, you can't reach and pull it out, except at that height.

It's possible (I'm curious to see) I might get a message from Simon this coming Tuesday.
He messaged me after we'd seen each other in Word, on Christmas Eve, the 24th of December.
Then I got another message from him, and noticed it was EXACTLY (not time of day exact) a month later, the 24th of January. I replied both times and he hasn't said any more. Now I'm interested to see if I'll hear from him this coming Tuesday.
I get the impression maybe he did a 'dating' component in a Christian retreat he went on. Maybe there's an author or a program somewhere where it's taught that you should keep a certain distance initially. Contact once a month. I don't know. It's kind of sweet to be putting in that kind of effort, and waiting. But the thing is I currently view him just as a brother. I'm not sure what his intentions would be with me. Too bad if he hangs on for months and finds I'm not keen..! It makes me think of Esther..how she fasted and approached the King 3 times before telling him her request.

Aaaaaaaa...

Jenn called to speak with me this morning about something I do not want to do. There are so many distractions! I don't want it to be that way with me. Give me godliness and contentment.

There was a post about God's way/wisdom being like foolishness to man. I'm hoping/praying that I am where You want me and not wondering and catering to the whims of the world around me. Let me be Yours, and in Your world. Let me fear You and not others. Let my walk be easy with You, and easy to understand, and very enjoyable.
I feel sometimes like I'm so close to doing something stupid. Mum was talking to me before about thinking about guys I might like. She wants me to get an image of the right kind of guy/what he looks like and stuff.
There's a guy my sister wanted to set me up with, and I sometimes feel like I would allow that. Hopefully it would work out that we'd get along great, he would learn more about God. I just feel like I want 'simplicity' sometimes - I don't know how it would be with him, and I'm very scared I would let myself go too far. So a part of me is hoping he will never approach my sister to organise something between us. I feel strangely close to him already but have dreamt about him being partnered with someone else, though in the dream he really did care about me (maybe just not in that other way, other girl is clear indication). I wonder if maybe we could be close, but just not 'like that'. I really get the impression he cares about me. And that's unusual.

My sister called to mention The Farmer Wants a Wife. Apparently they're seeking new contestants. But I think that mustn't be the women, because I could find no link anywhere (I know, I looked, how silly! But after mum said to get some kind of a picture, I guess I wanted to check who was out there. Stupid really. And I don't think I'd be comfortable getting to know someone with a camera rolling, anyway! No. No, thanks.) We had a good laugh about it. I nearly want to say, 'You wanted to send me out woop woop?! Gee thanks!' ;)

Consider the above post a RANT. hahaha. Rambling..whatever.
The thing about broadband is I can post here whenever I want. So I possibly will do that more. But maybe I need to work on writing more succinctly - so I can reflect back in future without it taking 'forever'.

House-hunting, option considering

2009-02-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

I've been looking at buying a house lately. At first it was renting, but I felt like God was saying, 'Is that what you really want?'

When I asked what my other option was, I noticed I was driving past a real-estate/building company car.
Now I am looking to buy, or build.
Both will take time and savings. Well buying would take less time, and maybe not even a deposit from my own 'pocket', but there are limited places available. I think I am looking for somewhere I can call home. One place I was excited about a while ago was LOVELY, and in a quiet area and nearly-new, maintained very well. Only thing was it was 245,000.
I am able to borrow a maximum of approximately 160,000. But I want an option where I only have to borrow maybe 85,000 max. Which means, I need to save a really good deposit. And wait on God for more direction. And hope that if no direction comes before June 30, that there will always be some kind of first home owner's grant available, so that my savings aren't just making amount up when I could be buying a place earlier.
Do I want to get a house and land package? Where would this type of option be located? Or would I go for a house already established, like the one I loved when I saw it, at 245,000. I think I would be quite happy in any modern type of house, well-lit, white (or variation on white) coloured walls, nice carpets and nice tiling throughout. 3 br.

Maybe I should just save money and hope that in years to come, the SAME house will become available! :P And it will still be in very, very very good condition. Hmm? :)

Bike ride, scary but good for me

2009-02-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

I went for a long bike ride today while parents went shopping. Where I live is very remote, and as I was leaving, and at times along the way, I worried someone might come along and try something with me.

It was when I'd gotten to the end of the driveway, on my way out, that I could see how a certain problem could be not my fault. It's not my fault that these situations get me thinking about realistic - though horrible - possibilities, and trying to prepare myself somehow..
I considered the worst and thought 'to hell with it, if something happens it happens, I'm going for this bike ride'. Although that was 'one' part of me, the other was like, "dear Father, please keep me safe". Either way I was determined I would go!

I believe God led me on which way to take at first. And I had two positive experiences as a couple of cars drove past. There were other cars that I went by..only one character seemed a little questionable, but he never stopped or turned around. After going past him I prayed that no 'nasty' people would see me.
I went for at least an hour, around a large block area, along dirt/gravel roads which are not the best..! But they're ok. And I enjoyed the ride for the most part. It's so nice and scenic in the country. I was glad to have gone even though I knew there was a risk.

And I would go again, I believe. I know I can go to the gym and cycle.. but I like it out here. And I've had about enough of fearing for my life, for my safety. I will just 'take the Lord with me', pray and hope that should anything seem to be going wrong, I will be near enough to people who would help. Amen.

I've thought, 'what's the worst'..and I probably can't really grasp what that would be like..but I think I will go again. Trust You to lead me along the right roads, let me know what I need to do.

Wednesday

2009-02-04T01:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a little surprised at how 'clear' my last post was - to me at least!

Went to the church that I drove by (see last post). The worship was GREAT. I felt quite free and could really feel God's presence in that time.

Met some new people. And the 'visions' shared by leadership in that evening service were so in line with the sort of things I feel like I've been looking for. There was one person in particular who was very good with me; came and said hello and encouraged me to make an effort to be connected in :) So I feel very cared about and included..

Still felt unsure. I said goodbye to a couple of people at the end and then was on my own with the sun setting. Felt like if I didn't go and see someone, I was going to go through the next week in a big panic, worrying that maybe I don't fit anywhere and scared of making the wrong choices.
I thought to go and see Luke. I couldn't think of anyone else I know in town who could be a support - there are others from my 'former' church, but they are older and a 9pm visit just felt wrong.

Hesistated, then turned back to see if I could find Luke's place. I pulled over somewhere and didn't have his number! But then as I drove past a certain point it began to 'come back' to me. I recognised a park we'd played cricket at, and different other things, and managed to remember the street name, and things just kept coming back. There was the milk bar we walked past.. So I arrived on their door. He and his parents were great. I felt a little awkward but they were so supportive - they listened and discussed things with me and then prayed with me, and we got to chat afterwards about different things. I'm not sure now if I should get in touch with an 'update' - maybe I'll write them a small letter/thank you card.

I haven't heard anything yet from the 'former'..would like to write to them too vs. calling and 'hassling'. Will have to do that soon. Feel a bit like I 'can't', but I don't want to feel that I've 'deserted' people - I don't want them to feel that I have either. I hope they (/some) don't think that way.

Bought a book on discipleship (one thing that seems to be a big focus of this 'new' church). My parents would probably be disappointed with either church, for similar reasons to the 'former', but it's not about them anymore - just what You want. And that's still not clear. I hope it's okay to wait in the new one until I know. And to be in contact with leadership from the former in the meantime while I do not know for certain.

Was going to move out...looked at a place earlier in the week, and am planning to look at another on Friday afternoon to rent. But after seeing the first one, I was driving back and part of a song grabbed my attention:
'is this what you want? Is this what you need?'

Felt like it was you. I decided not to go for it. Asked what my other options were and just then drove past a home company vehicle..! So I began looking into the idea of buying. Need to stay with my parents and save a deposit for that option..made the idea of staying put with this church seem more attractive, to avoid problems, but really if it turns out not to be the place, I've 'looked around' to try to accommodate their understanding but the beliefs of this one are not very different to those of the other! So neither are likely to please my parents. That's where I would have to just stand and do the right thing regardless of what they would agree with.
And I hope I'm married and have some distance first, if anything 'too big' would come up for them :s

Time to go.

In hot pursuit

2009-01-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

Is how I would like someone to be towards me..! And I'm sure God won't fail to be that one...I just feel kind of lonely where I am now. I feel disappointed that I'm not being 'caught' by anyone. I'm not the type to go reaching for help for myself very often.. I feel that I need to feel that I am genuinely cared for first, and more than that (I mean, people care, for sure. What I guess I feel I need more is someone who will actually seek me out. "How are you doing. Hey, can we catch up." But with a spiritual focus. It's great having friendships and meeting and chatting and having that sort of closeness, but I 'need' a deeper walk...I think it would help to have people around who could encourage that; go there with me.

I was listening to a CD of the bible, and was in the book of Samuel, and heard this for the 'first' time:
1 Samuel 18
1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.

That's what I'm longing for. To be one in spirit with someone, and for there to be a love between us that we both can tell is 'the same'..

Where can I find such a love? I am 'stuck' between churches at the moment, due to certain pressures outside of the church, and having read Luke 2 and thinking that maybe that's the same attitude I am to adopt - obedience to parents while they do not understand. And they are 'happy' for me to go to a more 'recognised' church..

On Monday, after being released from the one fellowship, I missed not entirely the church, but one person within it. But he's a guy, and 'furthermore'.. He seems to be the kind of person I could be one in spirit with, but I'm at risk of finding him attractive, and shouldn't I be at a church more for You than for a guy? Anyway? He doesn't seem to talk to many other people..I want to be there for him and be able to hopefully support him spiritually; maybe receive the same on an 'equal' footing too. He's an evangelist. I believe I have the same sort of calling. But is it appropriate? How do I be friendly/sisterly without that other worry creeping up?

I drove past a possible 'new' church today and wanted to keep driving..! But am not sure if that's because it's not the right place or if I just don't want to be out looking for any other church. Have I made a big mistake..but won't You show me.. I know 'who' I want to be with, but that's 'one person', and my concerns about that are listed above. It's possible I'm just lonely and 'crying out' for support and he's not perfect but he's there and I have this idea that he could be the right sort of person to be a support and a good - even a great - friend. I've only had a decent-length conversation with him about 2 times. But I think you can 'know' what a person is like. But again, am I 'just lonely' and do I need to be careful..? *sigh* It's hard, because he's my brother but he's also a 'boy' (a man, to be more correct).
*sigh*

*SIGH* - haha ;)

So, I don't know quite what to do at this point. But I am VERY wary of hiding myself away and not going to 'any' church..! I'm going to move out soon..after that time I can hopefully feel more 'emboldened' to make the decisions I want to make (or believe God wants me to make) without having to feel chained by the thoughts or wishes of my parents/family or of anyone. It's a bit 'strange' to me (and at the same time I'm feeling that now and it's not strange) to be like I'm 'married' to You, so that I AM free of my parents' direction.. I am wholly Yours. Yet I feel that I don't know what You want. I'm the type of person to do the 'most right' seeming thing because I think that 'must' be what You want. But many times You have led me a different way. So what am I to think?
So instead of thinking I am (painfully) choosing to wait for You to make it so clear that there is no confusion whatsoever.

If I go to another church, will there be someone there who can pray with me about where I'm supposed to be at?

It was funny (but I'm not basing a decision on it!), but I was reading this email that at the end likened me to Sponge Bob Squarepants (his 'character'). And then I noticed in the TV guide an article on him, where he had a CHOICE very much like the one I feel I have; he somehow ends up in another part of the ocean (it's a Danny Deckchair type script for him) and has to decide finally if he will stay in this new place, where everyone loves him and wants to make him the mayor ;), or whether he will go back to his home place where he has his friends. :s

Why worrying about 'this stuff'

2008-08-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

Because I feel like others know better than me. So I've allowed myself to take things that they (some) have said, seriously, where it's not necessarily truth or worth listening to.
*sigh*
How do I get myself out of that situation. Some of the interaction is very beneficial, or at least beneficial. But other things...I just don't..it's like I come away with a fight on my hands because I value this person and yet I disagree but then feel like maybe I should agree; 'why did she tell me that? Is it because I'm going to stuff 'this' up..?'

Arg

2008-07-25T03:16:00.000-07:00

I'm ..I've been..feeling discouraged. I seem to take constructive criticism too personally, and certain other types of criticism too. I want to be strong and stand above it all. Like what this says:

Being Right
You do not listen to criticism constructive or not.

I just liked that when I read it :) Still do. It just seems like a powerful, positive kind of statement.
I want to be building myself up, so that I don't feel so bad, and because I am hungry to know You more, Lord. But I don't want the pressure. I seem to take it on myself so much and I'm annoyed with that. Then time with You is hardly time with you; it's more me trying to achieve some kind of godliness, and feeling frustrated because I know that I can't, and then feeling upset and stuck and in no mood at all to just rest in You and enjoy time with You. Feeling so bad about myself and like it's all so helpless. *sigh*. I want to enjoy time with You. I want to look forward to it. I want it to be a joy and not to feel like a chore.

I don't want to be criticising myself for not spending time with You, where I know I've neglected it. I want to forgive myself, accept Your forgiveness and let the motivation to spend time with You be a positive one. Because I love You, not because I feel like "if I don't..".

I want some good friends, who want to seek You too. But more than that, I want to be content how I am; spending time with You on my own when I don't appear to have anyone else. I want to stop looking for this 'dream fellow' - pretend like he's not even on the horizon and just FOCUS. I think without realising, I've allowed myself to become so dependent - just waiting for this husband to come along and 'make it all better'. Putting things off 'until then' because I've felt like I can't do it. So silly. How did I get to doing that? Argh, it doesn't matter. I just want to decide what I'm going to do now, without feeling guilt or criticism or anything like that. That is just the block all itself: I know that if I spent time relaxing and reading Your Word I would enjoy it. I've 'known' this before. Somehow it's like the criticism has been so strong, I just allow myself to sit in it instead of going directly to Your Word, or writing to You, or talking to You without diverting.

Let's just into that. Time for some good time. :) And positive things. Not the criticism.

:)

2008-05-07T05:21:00.000-07:00

A word

2008-05-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

:)

Isaiah 42 (The Message)
The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson
Isaiah 42
God's Servant Will Set Everything Right
1-4 "Take a good look at my servant. I'm backing him to the hilt.He's the one I chose,
and I couldn't be more pleased with him. I've bathed him with my Spirit, my life.
He'll set everything right among the nations. He won't call attention to what he does
with loud speeches or gaudy parades. He won't brush aside the bruised and the hurt
and he won't disregard the small and insignificant,
but he'll steadily and firmly set things right. He won't tire out and quit. He won't be stopped until he's finished his work—to set things right on earth. Far-flung ocean islands
wait expectantly for his teaching."

bruise
(brōōz) v. bruised, bruis·ing, bruis·es v. tr.
To injure the underlying soft tissue or bone of (part of the body) without breaking the skin, as by a blow.

I don't remember what version the pastor read out for me, but there was mention as well of the gentiles (ie. 'far-flung ocean islands') receiving His teaching, something I want to see.

Also, about God in me being like a volcano, or a light on a mountain-top that the whole world will see. And people will be shocked; who is this girl? Isn't this Jessica, whom we know? (re. Saul, when he went up on the mountain and was prophesying).

Rest.

2008-05-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd made that last post draft only :S.

Oh...no, I did click the orange button.

:) The birthday party went well. I was a little awkward around the new top I'd bought. Modest enough and everything, just different to what I might usually have worn. I hoped I didn't look like I was dressed for the 60s. Need to work out something nicer to do with my hair. I was so glad when I got that jumper back from Sarah :D I love it. Cheapest I've ever bought ($2.30) but SUCH a nice one. I find with nice clothes I tend to want to wear it all the time. But that's the same with me and good CDs. Maybe if I had 'more', ..but it's 'strange', when I buy new stuff in my mind I seem to outgrow older stuff. I just don't like it that much anymore. Maybe with good reason, I don't know.

It got late...does tiredness make me feel b- it was like..I don't know. Maybe when I'm tired..maybe it relates back to 'self-image' stuff; if I'm not sort of 'at my best' I start to feel kind of 'low'. And I guess a bit lonely. And I guess I was also worried that for the 3rd (third time, now..?) with this group of people certain stuff would again come up. It wasn't too bad. In fact, I think the only 'stuff' to come up was in my worrying that something might, this time.
I came home and felt terrible. But on the way home I was thinking about what I would do when I got back. I know I can't handle too much heavy emotion anymore (grief..I felt uncomfortable around my heart which worried me a bit). And I thought, "how would I 'treat' someone else who was in my position, going through the stuff I've been going through?" I would be kind. I would want to be there for them to hold them, or to do something nice for them. I had this image in my mind of just settling myself down in bed with some warm lighting, just allowing myself to 'rest' instead of remaining upset or allowing that to run its course (I don't want to stifle stuff back but the idea of that rest and comfort kind of overrode it). Just keep looking to the One Who will bring me through the tunnel.

88 posts

2008-05-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have 88 posts. That's a nice number. This makes 89.
That looks pretty cool in this font ;)

There's a lot I want to say..but not in front of everyone.

It's K's birthday today. Have got her a prezzie I hope she'll like. Have not shown it to certain others in case I get a kind of, 'where's mine?' attitude. That attitude de-motivates me to put effort into buying things for others. Don't force a gift out of me and you'll get something really good. Force it and expect something a little less than wonderful, and more obligatory than out of love.
I know it shouldn't be that way. If I only love those who love me, what good is that? Loving those who love me is alright, but in God I'm supposed to be 'bigger' than that; to have a heart for more people. I just felt so down. I came home the other night from working 1hr and a half away...bringing my stuff inside and needing to use the ladies'. Then the first sort of 'attitude' I got was really negative. I was constantly (felt that way) criticised by a member of my family on little things I did and everyone was just sort of doing their own thing (I suppose me as well, having not said much, unpacking things..). The family member is someone I've been going out to stay with and I just felt like, "have I totally outworn my welcome?" Why am I being criticised so much? Is it that this person can see God in me and sort of 'wants' to find something against me so that..because she can feel the 'conviction' of God's Holy Spirit? But I've responded BADLY. I need to just let it fall off me 'like water off a duck's back', rather than becoming quiet and distancing myself and feeling discouraged and probably showing how hurt I am. Physically my heart felt heavy. People write about that feeling in stories but I don't think that when I'd read about it in the past I quite understood the feeling. It was hard to pull up out of it.

'Oh, man..'

2008-04-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

And good stuff :)

I had to face some correction over the weekend. Not spending enough time with God left me very open and vulnerable. It became like what is recorded in..Lamentations..3..? But it wasn't just about me not spending time, the issues were still there - I guess just a lot more 'pronounced' since I hadn't been leaning on God. It was some time since I'd just sat quietly with God in His presence and talked to Him or listened for Him; read His word just like sitting with someone over coffee instead of reading it sort of on my own. And praying for others.

I think I'm 'picking that up' again :)

Prophetic word, Sunday 27/4/08:

God, she's been going through certain pains and going through particular issues that have been out of her control. Some things have come to distract and confuse and bring a sense of frustration over your spirit. You know relationally I think the Lord wants to do a deeper work within your spirit, where you really start to begin to believe that you are special, that God has called you, that the honour of God is upon you, that standing for God is important and making firm decisions against the world and those things that are sometimes impressing upon you; and you see your friends and other people that have drifted away from the things of God and are now consumed by the passions of the world and things like that. And the Lord says, as you stand strong I'm going to give you a generation of men..and women are going to come and be drawn unto you, as a leader you're going to be one that's going to be able to help others go through their crises, go through their problems and their situations. This trial is just for a time, it's for a season, but I will bring you through it and cause you to grow stronger, and develop a greater faith, within your spirit, within your life; cause you to raise up even in this day in this hour with a new anointing, a new calling from God.
Look to Me, lean upon Me, I'm your strength. I will work for you and on your behalf. In Jesus' name.

cue Jaws theme music

2008-04-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

..Is selling cigarettes to people at work 'okay'..? Is it 'their choice' or is it your responsibility also to not promote and not support someone self-harming?

"Whatever you want...whatever you like.." ;)

2008-04-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Friday 18th April, 2008

It's whatever You want.

There seems to be a bit of a parallel at the moment between me and a character on this old mini-series. It's pretty interesting. The way that things are worked out for her is quite amazing, as she holds to the things that she knows are right and true.

I got a job today :D My dad got a new job too which is great. Lots of wonderful things happening here. A friend is going through a bit of a rough time; if anyone would like to pray for him, please do. Just some hard stuff happening for him. I feel a bit helpless/restricted, but I know that God can do anything :)

Baby

2008-04-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

I really like something I heard at a bible study last Wednesday. It's like as Christians, born again, we can be like 'babies' in sort of understanding and walking in the things of God. I like the baby analogy when I think about the scripture about people, when we stumble or fall God upholds us. It seems perfect. It's like it's normal to stumble when you're growing up and learning how to walk, and your dad (or not OUR Father, through Christ) doesn't respond in anger. No, He understands what we're like at that stage and He supports and upholds us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us.

If -

2008-04-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

- I was a man, the thing I would enjoy is being able to go on a trek through solitary places, feeling completely safe.

It's one thing to know God is with me. It's another to have the assurance that something bad won't happen; not just that He'll be with me through certain things.

I want that assurance..!

2008-04-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

I read this and I like it:

Proverbs 3:27
27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act. New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society *

To me that's saying, we are to go 'out of our way' to offer 'assistance'/'good' to those who need it. 'Deserve' is tricky. Who deserves anything? Yet we could say that God, because He freely gives to us even though we don't DESERVE it, means for us to see that others deserve what we have received just as much as we do. Of ourselves we DON'T deserve it, but God does not show partiality/doesn't have favourites. If God gives us something, and us being equal to other human beings, we ought to consider that this gift belongs as much to us as to anyone. That is cause for giving of what we have received, be it money, salvation, healing, a home, a family, love, to others who don't have those things, or who are lacking.

* (Loook: a disclaimer!) I probably should say here that all my posted scripture references are from those folk, so that I'm not plagiarising. I don't know if all of the scripture you'd find in my online journal is from there, maybe I typed some, but 'to be safe' I'll just 'blanket' it with the above ;) So unless otherwise specified, you can probably safely assume that's where I got it. And that version..

"Jesus breaks every fetter"

2008-04-03T06:59:00.001-07:00

4/4/08

'Boost'/Praise to God, for so much.
Specifically, for a card when I wasn't well, and TONIGHT (3/4/08)... I hadn't been feeling quite alright before and at the start of work. I thought, maybe if I go there but then ask that someone could cover most of my shift, and I could just work 1 hour maybe; sort of swap shifts with someone after 8pm. Or I could maybe make someone aware and just ask for some extra help. I didn't feel all that much like God was with me but I asked Him to help me to know what to do, as well as probably asking many times along the drive to work for "help" and then that it would be a quiet night at work.I got to work and got onto my shift without feeling to talk to anyone about my concerns. I believe that God can..that I AM healed. That this comes with salvation like a complete restoration, like back to how Adam and Eve were before the fall. But that's another matter. But the healing thing is I guess why I didn't want to say to someone, "Hey, I don't feel very well. I think something might be wrong with... I don't know if I can handle this shift".

As soon as I got to where I was meant to be stationed, the manager turned to me and said (paraphrasing), "Put your till in that drawer over there for later. We're going to have two people on this 'station' tonight. This other worker will do the work here, and you can primarily complete tasks out in the store, only you might be needed here if it gets busy."
I was SO happy! Usually I'd be rushing about and not really taking a break over my shift, to do everything required of me both at that 'station' and in the store. If customers came in the store stuff would get neglected until after we were shut. TONIGHT...I was able to take work at an easy (but not 'lazy', just not crazy) pace. The last couple of nights as well God has really shown me what a good job I can do with Him, in talking to people who are around (at His prompting..it's so easy when I just don't give myself time to 'worry') and in getting things done. But I just need to slow down a little and not do myself an injury. And God made sure that I felt free to!!
I'm really very pleased. It's another concrete time God has demonstrated to me that He's heard me. And I know...or I'm learning..that I don't have to 'feel' that God is with me to have the assurance that He is listening and that He knows everything. I love Him so much. I have NEVER, in my time working this 'station', had another person on there with me. It was such a blessing and I'm like, "I love You. I love You. I love You." I have seen His love and His care for me.
SUCH a good night. And confirmation that I'm still meant to be in that job, and that God is with me and won't give me more than I can handle with Him.
I love Him.

Everyone who is reading this: He loves YOU. God bless us all with greater understanding of and trust in God!

‘Jesus breaks every fetter’
A fetter is like an iron chain like they use on prisoners’ feet. How very interesting that the above thought should come into mind as I post about my night and about trusting in God. In Proverbs 3:5 and 6 it..in 5 at least, talks about trusting in God and leaning not to our own understanding.
Re: God bless us all with greater understanding of and trust in God! (above)
Further on in Proverbs 3 it talks about ..where is it..:
Verses 25 and 26 (of Proverbs 3):25 Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
26 for the LORD will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being snared.

Seems to ‘link’, to me :)
Certainly having stuff broken off in my life. It's so evident lately. I'm so glad for things like the worship CD I bought, that has helped me to spend quality time 'on my own' with God. It's got to help; being nearer to Him. Just the way, the closer a car is to a running hose, I suppose the more easily it gets cleaned..?
That reminds me of a dream I had last night..I was walking on a beach sort of landscape with my mum, and the shortest option she was pushing for but I was like, "are you kidding??" HUGE waves coming in to that part of the shoreline! The wind was sweeping us back anyway, so we didn't take the shortcut. I was like, "alright, we're going THIS way" and I let us be guided by the wind, which seemed contrary to where we were trying to get to. It was pushing us off to the side vs. directly where we wanted to go. But then it happened so quick. We got toward our destination quicker, even though it brought us on a bit of an 'arc' from the shoreline. Back now at that shore line, we were so close but somehow didn't get past this final wave; well I didn't.. I was like "oh no!" and mum stepped aside, but I had no time. Instead I turned away towards the sand and got down low, bracing myself for the impact of it. But then it didn't come down hard. I think I got a soak but it wasn't like "BAM!" But when I got up...there was a card or a letter on the sand in front of me, I can't remember who from. But when I got up, I noticed my knees were 'raw' from where I'd landed in the sand.
If that seems strange...I then..earlier 'today' (the 3rd of April) watched a children's TV program where ANTS were a topic. I thought, it could be interesting to learn more about ants since they're mentioned in the bible. 'Teach me how I can become more ant-like' ;)
They had an experiment set up..different ones: one had two forks in the road and led on the one 'branch' to a sweeter solution (which the ants would interpret as a more desirable food source. 'smart') than on the other branch. But the experiment that really got my attention was one shaped exactly like my little beach dream journey!! Both paths led to the one good destination, but one was longer. The experiment was to see which path they would finally take; if they were 'smart' enough to take the shorter way. That part didn't make sense. But it's making sense now to me that maybe...whatever the 'hold-ups' I encounter, I WILL get where I'm going. Both paths (wonder what exactly they might be in my life) lead to that purposed end. And God is fast-tracking, for it turns out it was quicker to go the way that to ME seemed a longer way.

Wonder if that has anything to do with my plans to do the fitness course. Could've gone straight for it but seemed to encounter obstacles. But maybe, it doesn't matter how long it takes...if I do it in 1 year or in 5 years maybe it makes no difference, He will make sure I'm ready at the right time. But what was that about the wave and the falling in the sand and the letter before I had quite 'reached' the goal?

Songs of hope and healing or/and comfort

2008-03-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

TRAIN LYRICS"Calling All Angels"I need a sign to let me know you're hereAll of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphereI need to know that things are gonna look up'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cupWhen there is no place safe and no safe place to put my headWhen you feel the world shake from the words that are said[Chorus:]And I'm calling all angelsI'm calling all you angelsI won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]I need a sign to let me know you're here'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clearI want a reason for the way things have to beI need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me[Chorus]When children have to play inside so they don't disappearWhile private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for yearsAnd football teams are kissing Queensand losing sight of having dreamsIn a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours[Chorus x2]Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade][Thanks to Jellybean791@aol.com, sweetheart_devil1987@yahoo.com.au, fireblossomqt@yahoo.com, tamiroch@adelphia.net, Sara for correcting these lyrics][ www.azlyrics.com ]

Now I have another one in mind..."can you feel, raindrops pouring down...do do do do do do, do do do do-do do ...
...
...such a rainy day....you know you are the one I'm thinking of; you are the one who has my love..while you're waiting patiently- "

There something about them..somewhat sad kind of lyrics by what I can gather, yet to me they both seem positive or at the least enjoyable/making me feel better about things and hopeful.
I don't know if anyone else gets that from these songs. It may be more the way they're 'playing' in my head; the way I remember the music and things. The music's not 'morbid' but quite enjoyable. and I guess the lyrics aren't that bad. some 'down' parts but promise and potential for things to become different/better.

Something wonderful

2008-03-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to post about my terrible morning, which began back yesterday, but then how God intervened in a really nice way for me.
I've also learnt about something wonderful! It's certainly 'made my day'.

:)

Help..!

2008-03-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

I've really put my foot in it, haven't I. I DIDN'T know..>I assumed. It seemed to make sense. That's why this person isn't talking to this other person. I thought putting it on the blog might be a more gentle way of approaching it with the person, but all I've done is make things worse. To the one I've hurt: I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

False witness..

2008-03-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

One of two good friends has lied to me. Strangely (peculiarly..we are a peculiar people..hmm.. :)) it doesn't really bother me. I feel like I ought to be kind of 'outraged'; this person lied to me. Does this person not respect me enough to be honest? But I realise it's not really about me. The person just maybe is finding it difficult to know how to deal with difficult personal/emotional stuff. It doesn't excuse the fact of the lying - I'm sure God agrees.
I guess I just hoped that this person, instead of lying, could say, "this is difficult for me to talk about; can we change the subject or talk about something else, please?" Instead there is twisting of the truth. But hopefully it'll stop.
I still feel okay about it. I suppose it is a matter between the person and God. I would like the truth, personally, and wonder what I could have done differently to elicit that, rather than give someone 'reason' to lie to me, if I had any part in that.

11:19AM

2008-02-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25th, 2008.

I lost the stuff I was going to post in the other day. Copied or saved over it..!

Day before yesterday?
I think I managed 10.6km in approx. 30mins and 40 seconds ;)
Danced 5 minutes along to radio, nearly hurt ankle..oh dear. No, I haven't been stretching.
Walked dog. Approx. 800m (a 'squiggly' 800m), alternatively 'jogging' and walking but mostly walking I think, in 10 minutes.
Total: 11.4 km, total of 45 minutes exercise.

Yesterday,
Walked with Kelly. I spent about 2.5hrs with her and am guessing our walk was 1 to 1.5 hours. Nice regional park area up near her place.

Secret. Burden. No questions asked so said nothing but was 'nervous'. Trust first? Not wanting to burden her? Bothered me.

Great night at work. Some 'fumbles' in order taking and embarrassment initially, but two really nice men came through and I think one 'knew' 'what' I was/who I really am :). So that was a huge encouragement. It was so funny...I nearly..well I became really joyful, to the point of wanting to laugh when I needed to be calmly taking orders. With one it was like taking an order with 'honey' (not sticky though..I guess that was God's anointing, rather) in my mouth. It reminds me of Psalm 126, although I don't know that this 'impression' gets mentioned there, like about your mouth being 'full'. It was like having some nice fruit or something. I'm finding it difficult to explain. Nice, sweet, kind of there and not there but just wonderful and 'full'. So I kind of 'gurgled' out a joyful "..can I take your order please" ;) :D I really had to 'contain' myself at times, but I was able to have a laugh privately now and then.

;)

:)...Psalm 126:2
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

I got to 'let it out' a bit later as well, smiling as I sorted out some boxes/rubbish. This 'older' radio station was really great too at helping to make me feel better before I went to work. At one point during work I remembered something Julie said: don't allow feeling stupid to rob you of being special.

Fitness

2008-02-18T03:25:00.000-08:00

20 minutes 30 seconds, 6.something kms. Room almost tidy.

A day that the LORD has made

2008-02-10T20:16:00.000-08:00

Monday, February 11

I was tempted to title this post, 'The no good, very bad day' when I remembered the passage, "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice in it and be glad".

I feel like I'm making a mess of so much. I didn't get the job that I thought God wanted for me. On Sunday someone shared a positive testimony on how a house she felt was for her was being 'stolen' by the enemy; she encountered a lot of opposition getting the property to rent. But finally she did. People prayed and things changed.
I've 'entertained' the idea that this job has been 'stolen' from me. And yet I do not know what to do. Do I just wait and look around for another job, which to me seems like going for a job that's meant for someone else, if this other one was meant for ME. Or do I just keep waiting and trusting that 'God will act, and who will let it?' (ie. God can do just whatever He wants! Satan has no place taking something from me and just keeping it). But I feel discouraged. Will something change? Will the two preferred candidates both decline to take the position? Or will the enemy triumph over me? Over GOD? How can that be! And yet it seems to be what people are teaching me can happen. I want to hear about the God who kept Elisha safe from a band of men who called him names. I feel terrible that I feel resentment over those sorts of teachings, and that I find it so difficult not to get upset with people over it.
What am I supposed to do for the next two months if 'my' job is taken? Is this going to happen all the time now in the future? Am I going to miss out on a ministry opportunity, the husband God has for me, all because somehow I'm stuffing it up? How can that be? It can't be too difficult for God. I need His help and I have to rely on that. On my own I CAN'T do anything; on my own I might give the appearance of being successful, but 'my best' would all just be like filthy rags. I'm not sure who I can turn to for help; who could pray and seek God with me. I tried to ask someone and I know I should be understanding and not expect a lot from people, so I think I'm okay with that not happening. I just do feel a bit like, I've made such a mess of things that people have had enough of being there. Maybe they've lost hope in me. Maybe they..

What about Job? He had a whole lot of stuff taken from him. Please help me not to be bitter or resentful or anything. But permit me my grief or help me up off this ash heap please. What can I do but wait on You?
It's silly of me to wonder..to wonder why I was ever born - Job felt like that!!! So I'm not completely alone. I suppose I will wait, and try to assure myself it's not my fault, at least while I feel unsure what I could be doing wrong.

I hope this is a further reassurance that You can do all things. Maybe I need to be taken right to the very bottom, so that when it is time finally to reach 'the very height; the very TOP', ALL the glory will go to You. I feel so different sometimes though that I guess I begin to think there's something wrong with me. That if there wasn't, things would look different. But it's not about me. ..

Barlow Girl - I Need You to Love Me lyrics (some of them..in my mind):

And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I like the part as well that goes:
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

And I need You to love me..

Encouragement

2008-02-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

Thursday, 7/2/08.

"We love because He first loved us"

I had a beautiful night last night. Very aware of God's presence with me as I was in my room, close to 10pm. Put a Celine Dion CD on and it was 'funny' because even when songs were on that weren't so positive, I still felt so 'wrapped' in God's presence that it didn't matter at all what was playing.
Peace that passes understanding :)

Encouragement from Celine Dion CD about God's presence:
Even though there may be times
It seems I'm far away
Never wonder where I am
'Cause I am always by your side

I would only change the 'by your side' part to 'with you'/'right there with you'. God is not just by our side if we have received Him through faith in Jesus Christ; He is in us as well.

I started looking for positive things to encourage myself with. This feeling of depression just suddenly 'lifted'. Was gone.
I had taken someone's advice, to study a book of the bible first with The Message version, and the book was so full of stuff..papers I'd put between the pages, a beautiful card mentioning 'quiet beauty' and underlinings and quotes and things that were just interesting and somewhat 'fresh' again. I really was refreshed last night :) I read a note from someone at my church who saw a vision about me; that it was like the enemy had tied me with all these threads/ropes but she saw me breaking through them in the strength/power of the LORD.
The night before was good too. I was led to read from Philip Yancey's book, "What's So Amazing About Grace?", in a section that talked about our best efforts being like climbing an anthill, while God and His ways are even as high as far above the earth. Imagine God watching from up in space as a person climbs this little anthill, then is like "woohoo! I did it!" Where does it get you? It was encouraging. I may not be explaining it very well here..but the emphasis was on such a great freedom God has purchased for us, that we don't need to strive in our own strength to make things work that only God can achieve for us in Christ.

I searched for a 'warm fuzzy' sheet of paper that I got from this confidence and assertiveness training group. I want to find all the positive things I can that describe who I am, what I have in God, etc. and His love for me and His great plans for my future. I want it all around me to encourage me. I want to buy an ipod, combine scripture chapters with upbeat music that I can relax to and that encourages and strengthens my inner man in some way.

'Slack'. NO!

2008-02-05T00:54:00.000-08:00

I didn't exercise much today. I didn't do a lot of much of anything at all today (re: prev. post). It was about 2pm that I started feeling better. Prayer much appreciated :)

Yesterday (Monday):
Swam. P visited for his birthday and I think we were there from about 4pm or even a little earlier..it went quick..-5pm (time left pool..not necessarily the water). Gentle swimming more than anything really competitive or training-like. It was nice.

Today..
Walked dog to letterbox ;) Did him more justice than the dog in that DVD rental commercial. Our driveway is fairly long.

Didn't have a lot of energy in the afternoon. I napped before dinner. Lay down to seek God. Not a good idea!
Maybe I'll use the bike soon for 15-20mins. No guarantees ;)

Study news! I have acquired a really good book. It will be in my mailbox any day now! A great study help :)

What title to give this?

2008-02-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday the 5th.

I didn't get the job. It's disappointing but I guess I was just wrong about it being right..! I should have known I wouldn't get it, since I didn't 'giggle my way into it' like I was told I would with my next position ;)
The only times I've really 'giggled' have been with God or with a friend of mine. What jobs could that entail? I think I've giggled in CP too.. do I have to go down that road? I feel a bit like the character Aragorn from Lord of the Rings,
"My path/way is hidden from me".
I'm not sure what to go for. There's so much I would LOVE to do that will cost me money to get into: playing an instrument, writing/editing and proofreading (do I really want to do that..?), photography, singing, dancing would be alright, doing counselling of some kind, having a job that gets me outdoors; maybe like a camp kind of thing.

?

I had horrible nightmares this morning before I woke up. They didn't seem so horrible when I was having them, except in the last part when a class assignment/essay with questions (like an art kind of class) was due and I'd done some but not all of it, and only had that one day, but that one day followed a time when I realised that something 'happened' that I 'missed'. I remembered the start and maybe a little of the finish but the rest I could not recall. That really bothered me. Not to mention the fact that what happened I shouldn't have had any part in. I woke up and was like,
"oh..none of that really happened". And I was so relieved but I also felt affected by it, as to some degree it had. I couldn't really cry like I think I wanted to...I wanted to 'get it out' but I also just wanted to cover myself..pull another blanket over me, wrap the pillow over my face, put my arm over my head. A false kind of comfort I guess. I felt pretty alone in facing it.
I feel tired now around my eyes. It wasn't the time I would usually wake up after work. But I haven't much on today.
God was so much help straight-away. I'm meant to read my bible in the morning, so read some stuff. One scripture, 1 Peter 5:10 was very encouraging, and the stuff just before it talks about resisting the devil (can the devil give nightmares to try and bother us? I feel bad that I allowed it to bother me so long after I woke up; just what the enemy would want).
I read a devotional (and wished I'd read ahead one night) that's meant to be read before going to sleep. The page for tonight talked about liberty; the freedom that God has bought for us in Christ and the hope for those who are bound. Romans 8:2 quoted.

1 Peter 5 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I put a CD on too as a distraction, that had some good songs on it, "There you are, holding her hand.." and stuff about holding on, etc. :)

I wonder what is next. Currently I'm looking into applying to enter a Graduate Recruitment Program. There's so much 'choice'! I really want to hear from God.

What's this? 'New Year's Resolution', 1 month late?

2008-02-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

Sunday, 3rd Feb:
5-10 minutes dancing, skipping (with soft rope INDOORS! haha) and lightly kicking soccer ball indoors
23 minutes on exercise bike. 8.5km on setting 3 and a little on 4 (maybe 4 minutes). Heart rate after bike was about 140 - not quite the aerobic level for someone my age, but it might have been and probably was higher at times when I was on the bike.
50 minutes walking dog. Got him to the highway and back. Not quite 'brisk', but it was still good. Slowed down more on the way back for doggy, and then eventually for myself as coming up driveway. It was a little overcast but still hot in the open parts (where there were no trees).
Approx. 83 minutes:
1 hr 23 minutes
Swimming tomorrow. 'P' is visiting - his birthday. The 'big 3-0'. But still only a quarter of a possible 120 year maximum. So still a 'baby'! ;) Another 30 years before he reaches the mid point. That's a whole 'nother length of life on top of what he will already have lived so far.

Saturday, 2nd Feb:
Approx. 30 minutes of table tennis with dad
30 minutes
Organised my room to a great extent. And hung up some washing. That might count for something, albeit a small token of fitness achievement ;)

Friday, 1st Feb:
15 minute bike ride. 5.75km on setting 3
approx. 25 minute swim
40 minutes

Need: Study plan for reading God's word. Have bible in x amount of days thing but want some other help/'tools' as well.
Health and fitness journal,
budget book, and
diary journal are to be used daily also (I hope. Budget book 'as needed' - as I spend or receive or transfer money.)
There was something I was reading, about going 'to the top', which again reminded me of the word I got back when Ps. Jim visited. It was in a nighttime devotional (that I've started reading in the morning too, to get a 'sneak peak' at what I might face during the day :P) called 'Sweet Dreams'. Evening 92 (the book begins with evening 91, it must be a 'sequel').
I won't put the whole thing in but it's titled, PRESS ON!

.. It's the same with you ((Philippians 3:12-14 just quoted, and before
that, an example of these people who climbed a mountain covered in pine needles:
it seemed difficult to climb but they kept going and eventually reached a
'breath-taking' view at the top)). You have no idea what God has for you "at the
top," but whatever it is, it's His best. So stop tossing and turning...press on,
out of the valley of indecision.
EVENING PRAYER:
Heavenly Father, thank You for the ability You have
given me to make a decision to press on in Your wisdom and love. Although
the way may be rough, I know You will provide all the strength I need. In
Jesus' Name. Amen.
(Morris and Theresa Cerullo - ah yes there it is, 'Volume Two'. 1987).

I'm starting to go forward. Keeping a record is a good motivator! I wonder if that links with the scripture, "write the vision, make it plain". Or setting up markers/guideposts...had a 'dream' once about being in a forest, knowing it wasn't worth going back but I think that was a point of indecision. Not seeing the way ahead very clearly. 'Where to?'

Hi :)

2008-02-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

Today (Saturday, 2nd Feb):
- Approx. 30 minutes of table tennis with dad
30 minutes
Organised my room to a great extent. And hung up some washing. That might count for something, albeit a small token of fitness achievement ;)

Yesterday:
- 15 minute bike ride
- approx. 25 minute swim
40 minutes